grrr

that's about all i have to say right now. 

and that i'm grateful to have a heavenly Father who listens to all my frustrations. and He understands me because He made me. what a relief. my one constant comfort and joy. Jesus. 

it's time

for me to stop being such a clam and SPEAK UP. to a lot of people. i don't think they're ready. i've said nothing about so many things for so long that no one is going to expect this. i have no idea what the response will be. and i don't know that i care anymore. 

i want to be done with being so afraid. God, i'm sorry, i feel like we've talked about this so much. we've beat it into the ground. fear, fear, fear. why so much fear? i don't know either, Daddy. i just know that it takes over so many times. maybe that's one of those things that i have to keep surrendering again and again. i'm weary of this, though. 

can't i just be done with this?!? 

i think way too much

about way too many things. i'm surprised my head hasn't exploded by this point in my life. it gets me in trouble though....over-analysis, tearing apart and reconstructing every little word in my mind, playing it again and again. that can't be healthy. but i know i'm not the only one. and i can't help it, really. it would be nice to be able to simply exist. at least for a day or two. 

Christmas is over and i can't help but be happy. and soon enough i'll be going back to school and honestly, i'm happy with that too. at least at the dorm i have some level of stability and control over my own life. i never really know what to expect with my family. especially now. 

i'm trying not to close people out with this...especially j. i'm learning that i do that so much. i keep everything to myself. it frustrates me. i just can't open up the way i want to, the way i really need to.....

it'll get better, though. 

i don't know why

but i haven't said very much about africa. i want to talk about it...but i don't really know what it is i need to say. 

i checked my email on Christmas eve and had one from jared...he wanted me to know that he and andrea had taken mr watson to ali, and that he got a picture of them together and was sending it to me. i think that was the best Christmas present i got this year. 

where am i going? i have no idea where i'll end up. the possibilities truly are limitless. sometimes when i think about it i want more direction...then i remember just how God has guided me to this point and how He's worked everything out so far. i'm resting in Him. but it's natural to want to know. i look at people like clinton who've felt a calling to a certain country for a long time. and here he is, after years of seeking the Lord and working towards that goal, and he's going there to live. i don't have that particular calling...yet. everywhere i've been on mission trips to i could see myself living. i just don't know. could be latvia, mexico, greece, mozambique....or somewhere completely different. could be jackson. whew. i think that's the hardest one to swallow. i love jackson but it'd be easier to leave it.....

my hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness. i dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name. on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

truth. 

Christmas break is the stuff. i am thoroughly enjoying it. i only wish la and miss lived closer :( but visits will take place i am sure....soon and very soon. 

so this whole moving downtown thing is materializing rapidly. i'm excited but also have some apprehensions, some doubts. it is so obvious to me that this is where God is leading me, i'm sure, surer than i am about anything else. am i ready though? spiritually, that is. the battle is real on congress street, there's no playing around about it. at mc i can ignore it if i want....downtown i don't have that option. i need to pray more...i have a feeling, though, that no amount of "preparation" will get me ready for everything i'll face. dependence on the Lord will be a given. but i'm good with that. He's faithful. He's the best Daddy in the world. 

my life is so different than how i predicted. praise God :) what a miracle. 

praise the Lord

- exams are over
- i'm home, with my very own space...mmm....peace
- i get to sleep semi-late for a few weeks
- i have a really sweet boyfriend :) (that still sounds weird but i'm getting used to it)
- i can do some reading for fun over the break...get excited!
- i'm alive, and life is pretty good

a few things i'm happy about right now. now i must go brave the ridiculous Christmastime traffic to take care of a few last Christmas presents. i'm trying not to be frustrated with Christmas this year. i mean, i've been like that for two years....it's time to try to enjoy it again. it's just so hard. things haven't been the same and never will be...and now even more things are changing with my mom's new friend and all...i don't think i handle change all that well. i need to pray more. yep.

"here we are...

...we got to the best part, where the strings come in and you melt my heart all over again...."

so i really like this. really. in case anyone may be wondering - i am happy.

God is so good. the story of my life just keeps getting better and better. everything's coming together. He's pulling me in. deep unto deep. wow i love Him. i definitely don't show it enough, still. that hurts my heart. i long for Him to know how much i love Him...and i want to love Him so much more....always more....

it's a battle. a literal battle with myself. my heart says, spend time with your Father. and my mind says, you have so much schoolwork to take care of, you don't have time. or any other number of lame excuses....i'm understanding more and more what paul was talking about when he said that the things he wants to do he doesn't do, and the things he doesn't want to do he does. that makes such perfect sense. i hate it. but - Christ already gave me victory. i need to walk in His freedom, walk in His liberty...dance in His freedom, dance in His liberty...cause it is for freedom He set us free! and I'M FREE.

You are the only one i need, i bow all of me at Your feet, i worship You alone
You have given me more than i could ever have wanted and i want to give You my heart and my soul

i am

happy. had coffee with my friend w this morning. i was excitedly telling him about africa and what God has been teaching me. he had this great big smile on his face, and when i finished he told me, "i like this new betsey." i was a little confused, so of course i asked, "what new betsey?" he responded, "the one who doesn't care what people think anymore."

i really have changed so much since last year, by the grace of God. it's crazy to think of all i've been through to get to this point. and of course, like w and i just talked about, i know the Lord is not done yet....nor will he ever be. somedays that makes me feel weary, but for the most part, i feel privileged. as david said in the psalms, what is man that God is mindful of us? who am i that God cares about my life, and wants to work in it? God in MY life? that's so crazy. i'm incredibly thankful for it...and humbled by the thought of it. whew.

God, i'm asking you now...how do you want to work in my life today? where do you want to shape and mold me? what things are you desiring to burn away in your refining process? i want to be open to whatever you give and anything you take. i trust you. and i love you.

i've learned

about stopping for the one. this is difficult to do. a lot of times i don't hear the Holy Spirit. and then when i do, sometimes i don't want to obey. but the few encounters i've had over the past week where i did hear and i chose to listen have been truly amazing. being used by God is the best thing in the world. i want it every day. i want Jesus' love to flow out of me to every mario and aubrey out there....

it's been a week today since i returned from africa. most of that time is just a blur of happenings, and sorting through those has made trying to process my trip even more difficult. things there are so incredibly different....people are different. i know God is the same but even His presence seems different there. i want that africa feeling back. i can't explain it. tonight at amy and david's they let me look at all their pictures and it really got to me. i need to stop thinking about it before i get upset....

there are some good things going on here, though. strange but good. and i know this is where i belong. so i'm trying to be content, whatever the circumstances. i just need some help.

so little time, so much to do

i have a million and one things to do. and i feel like there are a million and one people i want to spend time with. because i have to finish this semester well, i pretty much have to do the things instead of be with the people. i hate that.

i greatly anticipate december 15th. this will all be over so soon, i just keep telling myself. push on through. you can do it. 10 more days.

time to crank out a dozen or so pages worth of papers....get excited....

africa was worth it. it was more than worth it.

listening is an act of love.

one that i've been learning a lot about. it all started when i became friends with la. that girl is the best listener i've ever met in my life. when i talk to her i experience a different kind of listening altogether. she's not afraid of silence. i used to be one of those people who would always respond right away because the silence made me so uncomfortable...but she has broken me of that. also, la asks questions about the things i've told her to get to the very root of the issue. it's such a beautiful thing, and i've been asking the Lord to show me how to listen like that.

lately i've had lots of opportunities to practice. one thing i've been praying about as i listen is that God will give me the words He wants me to say to people. many times i know what i feel they want to hear, and i know what i would like to say. but what i want to say and what God wants to say are usually different....maybe i should pray instead for God to keep transforming my mind, to give me the mind of Christ. then His words will simply flow from me...

i know this has nothing to do with africa....but it's what i was thinking about as i awoke this morning. actually though, it's all connected...love is the common denominator. love is the theme of all God has been teaching me. love.

today, God, show me who to love and how to love them. i promise i will stop for the one. fill me, and i will gladly pour out. i love because you first loved me.

how was your trip?

this is a question i cannot seem to answer well yet. it's so much...i learned so much, saw so much, experienced so much, felt so much. it was everything i hoped for and more, and nothing like what i expected. i'm trying really hard to come up with something better than that.

if i had to sum it up in one word, it would be more. God gave me so much more of Himself...and revealed to me how much more He wants of me.

i will elaborate soon.

in less than ten hours

i leave for africa. wow. it's still not real to me yet. 

what are my expectations of this trip, he asks? i simply expect something amazing to happen. nothing specific....just the Lord, in whatever way He wants to show up. 

my heart is so overwhelmed at what is happening in my life. so many beautifully unexpected things. i wish it didn't take me forever to process it all. 

tameka had her baby....a five pound, perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy with absolutely no trace of drugs in his system. a miracle. a real miracle. i held a miracle. i almost lost it in that hospital room. the depth of God's love and grace and the reality of who He is and the sheer joy of it all....i almost couldn't breathe. 

can i just stay like this? unable to breathe because of who He is? overtaken by the thought of Him....can i just stay like this? 

i said to him

Lord help me.

and he did. wow. God WROTE that paper for me. he revealed things to me as my fingers flew across the keyboard that i've never even thought about before. my life does have direction. how beautiful. thank you for the guidance and confirmation, God.

he's just so good. i can't believe he would do for me all that he has done! i am overwhelmed at the thought of it. who am i that God would not only redeem me and call me by name and make me his, but also orchestrate this elaborate plan for my life, in which every puzzle piece fits perfectly with all the others to make something glorious for his kingdom??? that to me is too much. i can't take it in.

you're amazing God. that's all i know to say.

i have to write this paper

about my ultimate goals in life. where i see myself in five years. what i want my career to be.

this is cruel. take the one thing i'm most unsure about, and make me write five pages on it? really?

well i'm about to search my soul....and hopefully crank out some awesome-sounding plans for my life. ideally before eleven o'clock.

Lord, help me.

i love him because

he never disappoints me. ever.

somedays i'm brimming with things to say and have not the time to sit and type them all. i love and hate this. there are a million billion trillion things i'd like to write, and i cannot choose. so instead i will use the words of someone i really admire to express where i am right now...


the pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i will walk through the valley if you want me to
i'm not who i was when i took the first step
and i'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
i will walk through the fire if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'd never go alone
so when the whole world turns against me and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear you answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and i will walk through the darkness if you want me to
cause when i cross over jordan, i'm gonna sing, i'm gonna shout
i'm gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
so take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
and i will walk through the valley if you want me to
yes, i will walk through the valley if you want me to

a conversation.

i was speaking to him last night and he spoke back. what he said changed everything. i'm writing it so i won't forget (i don't think i could anyway, but...yeah).



you are asking me to do whatever it takes for her to be saved...are you willing to walk through that with her? what is painful to her will be painful to you also. what i take away from her will be gone from your life, too. are you willing?

yes. yes, i am. i desire this the way you do. i'll give up anything.

will you give your life?

my life? wait...do you mean metaphorically? or literally? do you mean i'm actually going to physically die for this? (heart pounding wildly)

will you give your life? are you willing?

wow....wow. yes. yes, i will. if my death could bring her to you, if you want to take my life, then it's already yours. it's all yours. you know that.




"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

i have no idea what this means. but i agreed to it. only time will tell. but for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. so i have no fear.

but if you left it up to me

every day would be a holiday from real. we'd waste our weeks beneath the sun, we'd fry our brains and say it's so much fun out here. but when it's all over, i'll come back for another year.


a week and a half til africa....what what??!!? and this spanish paper has been nagging at me. so i'm about to give it my best shot. i tried to inspire myself by reading over some A papers i wrote for randle last year...but that's so different. cause it's in ENGLISH. aaaahh!

today is a good day, though. a great day. beautiful. i am happy. and i'm not going to think too much about life, i'm just going to leave it at that.

if you can't say anything nice...

....don't say anything at all.

i feel like anything i might say today would be negative, so i'm going to refrain. i would love to give full vent, but it would probably just make things worse. so i'm keeping it in this time.

goodnight, little world. tomorrow's another day.

playing dirty

is what Satan does. i think it's all he knows how to do.

he prowls around like a lion, waiting for someone to devour. and he waits until i'm weak to come after me. physically weak, usually. when i'm tired. like today. today he came against me full force. thank you God for the sword of Your Spirit, my one tried and true defense.

whatever, Satan. please. this is so out of your hands. just give up already. or if you don't, be prepared for a fight. i'm still standing. in the name and power of Jesus Christ, i'm still standing. when i am weak, He is strong. so hit me with your best shot.

i had a day.

i'm glad i'm about to climb into bed right now. i'm not very happy with myself today. i'm not quite sure why either. i just had a day, ya know?

i worry way too much about what people think. i always have to qualify and explain and justify and blah blah blah to everyone and anyone that i think might or could or would care about anything and everything that nobody or everybody or anybody gathers or perceives or believes that i think or say or do. exhausting, no? yes.

i should just live my life. wow. easier said than done.

i want to be extreme. i want to just drop everything and go. every day this feeling grows in my heart and soul and mind a little more and it's getting to be too much to bear. like a fire in my bones...i'm weary of holding it in, indeed, i cannot. how long, oh Lord, must i wait? will you forget your servant forever? here am i, please, GOD! send me. and make it snappy. before i explode or implode or simply go insane.

my life is a ridiculously dramatic dichotomy. on the one hand, i have this world i'd like to be in fully and completely, where God is real, and he's doing miraculous things, and he asks me for everything, and the only opinion i'm concerned with is his. on the other hand, i have this world that i feel i've been crammed into, where there are all these expectations and requirements and criteria that i'm not convinced i was ever meant to meet. pointless, stupid, monotonous, and some just downright wastes of time. why the heck do i have to go to college? i mean, seriously. it's not that i don't enjoy it, i do....sometimes too much. i love class, i love learning, i don't mind the work most of the time. but at the same time, my life is a vapor. fleeting. and these things are all meaningless, right? chasing after the wind? i'm ready to chase something i can take ahold of, please.

God, what do i do?? i'm at this place of crisis once again. how many times have we even been here, Lord? i mean, really. can we just move past this? what do you want from me? am i supposed to push through and endure? or can i abandon all of this for something better? or is there something better right now...is this it or no? have i been wrong all this time? i feel like i'm supposed to DO something else here. but i've already done a lot, haven't i? i feel like where i am now hasn't been a result of doing nothing, or even little. i know it's not supposed to be easy, and i don't want it to be. easy is cheap. i want a costly discipleship. and God you've been stretching me a LOT. yet i know there's more but what the heck IS it? God, please!! help me out here. you alone are wise. i can't even pretend to have a clue, i only know what you tell me. and right now it hasn't been much, the path is very dark, i can only see the very next step in front of me. and i know you want it that way, i do. but i need some clarity, some vision, something, anything, please. what am i supposed to say when they ask me what my plans are? what do i tell them when they want to know where i'm headed? i don't know doesn't work so well, i know this because i've tried. but why can't i not know?? what's wrong with not knowing? if i knew then i wouldn't have to trust you, God. oh, Lord....take over.

i will wait for you, Jesus, you're the sun on my horizon.
all my hope's in you, Jesus, i can see you now arising.

ramble ramble

resolution is important to me. i realize this more daily. i just can't leave things alone until there's some sort of resolution. this makes things very intense at times.

i need to just let it rest.

so...group projects are really dumb. and i hate them. truly. but tuesday it'll be over and i'll never have to think about it again - hallelujah.

yesterday our mozambique team needed $11,000 more, and today we have above and beyond what we need! my trip, and everyone else's, is completely paid for. way to go, God! i just love how He works. i have no clue where the money even came from, and i'm beginning to think it's better that way.

lately i have felt so stretched by others. but the fact that people need a lot from me really keeps me praying, so it's not necessarily a bad thing. it can wear a person out, though. i'm having to depend on the Lord more every day, cause there's no possible way i could do this myself.

in 2 weeks and 3 days i'll be in africa...what???!!!!

yes, it's real betsey. believe it.

to seek and to save

the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. - luke 19:10


i've never in my life felt so desperate for the soul of another human being. never longed so much for the salvation of another. maybe it's because her salvation is not merely spiritual, but very physical and tangible also.

this is what i should be feeling constantly. this IS the mind of Christ.

i was really burdened earlier, really anxious. i started praying and reading the Word. i read the story of the lost sheep. how this one sheep was so valuable that the shepherd goes out searching for it, and when he finds it, puts it on his shoulders rejoicing. and then calls everyone together to tell them about finding his lost sheep, to get them to celebrate with him.

Jesus does that for us.

i'm overwhelmed by the thought of this. because despite our condition - the filthy sin in our lives, our wandering away, how we are nothing without him - He still loves us so much that He goes out searching. and then rejoices when He finds us.

seeking and saving. wow.

Jesus, You are good. and You CAME to seek and save. you CAME to give abundant life. that was Your entire purpose. so i believe You for that now. just do what You do, Jesus. nothing is impossible to You, praise Your holy name! seek and save, Jesus. seek and save. and show me what my part in this is. i love You.

what would you consider spiritual sprinting?

my new friend asks me.

i told him i wasn't sure. i know what it would feel like, but i'm not sure i know how it actually plays out in my life.

i'm not doing it, i can tell you that much. because i know what physical sprinting feels like, and my spirit is not there.

oh, how i want to be.

is it possible to sprint continually? in human strength it would be physically impossible to physically run all the time. but in the strength of the Lord, nothing is impossible.

my mind wants to say it is, though. it keeps coming back to my faith. oh, my tiny little faith. so small. so feeble. not even a mustard seed.

Lord, i believe. help me in my unbelief!

i want to sprint. i want it so bad.

expectations.

how can something that seems so wonderful be such torture? i simply do not know.

i decided just yesterday that i'm tired of waiting around. the opportunity was there for oh-so-long and was not seized, and now i must move on. sorry, kiddo. better luck next time.

i like new things, though. i'm happy with what i might be moving on to. and whatever happens, happens. i don't want to overthink, overanalyze, overexpect. i just want to be.

life is so interesting. it seems things are always happening, and they're never what i expect. i am glad it is that way :)

if i got what i expected, would i be happy?

not as happy as i am now.

it's always

either the really good boys or the really bad ones that get me. why is that? and i can't have either one.

school is getting on my nerves. tests, tests, tests. that's all they do around here. whatever happened to the good ole days of independent learning, like at veritas? man, i miss that place sometimes. in the eyes of those teachers, i could do no wrong. or if i did, they still actually knew me. college is so weird sometimes.

i need to study.



'cause this is a battle, and it's your final last call. it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know. but why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why? this can be better, you used to be happy, try.

stream of consciousness

i used to hate cleaning. i was such a slob. i was the kind of person that neat people couldn't bear to live with. and now, i'm not sure what happened, but i can't go to bed with a mess. beyond that, cleaning has become therapeutic for me. there's something about straightening up the mess in my little world that helps me straighten up the messes in my mind. clear my thoughts, if you will.

i've been cleaning for about an hour and now i am almost ready for bed.


i'm ready to live somewhere real. to move all the stuff that belongs to me out of the house in madison and into somewhere that is mine. which means, i'm sure, that i would be getting rid of a lot of things. i want to get rid of a lot of things. i want to put the possessions dearest to me in a duffel bag and ditch all the rest. i want to jump in my car and go somewhere. get on a plane and move to africa. i want to do that now. why can't i? what's really holding me back? is it really God's will that i stay in school or am i just doing this because it's what everyone else (and me) thinks i'm supposed to do? because it's what's expected?

i don't even know anymore. my thoughts are wild lately. i have a hard time finding purpose some days in some of the things i do.

but i'm doing a lot fewer meaningless things now that i used to be doing. so i guess that's a start. there's still so much that needs to be stripped away.


"therefore since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses in the life of faith, let us STRIP OFF every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. and let us RUN with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up."

Lord knew i needed that sunday. and today. and every day. thank you, Lord.

grief

sucks.

that's all i can come up with right now. it seems so shallow and empty compared to what i'm actually feeling.

this post sucks too. but i'll cut myself some slack and just let it be.

why am i so closed?

content

earlier today i had to make amends for treating my body so terribly over the past few weeks. i need more sleep, more exercise, and more fruits and veggies...and no more caffeine in any form. i felt the effects at the health plex tonight for sure! it was a tough one. i need to do better. but for now, i feel better :) yay endorphins!

now i need to do some spiritual damage control. it's been a WEEK. i know i haven't been treating my heart and soul right, either. sigh. Lord, help me.

i really like unexpected friendships. out of nowhere, there you are, and you're friends, and it's beautiful. even unexpected shallow-ish friendships. because they have potential for something more. it's always interesting to see what will happen. but i am letting myself be pleasantly surprised now, instead of disappointed. it's going pretty well, too.

fall break this weekend...i think i will get lots of study time in, seeing as most people won't be here.

maybe i shall paint. i think i shall. it'll be a good weekend for painting.

i am content.

restoration

has come in several ways this week. for that, i am thankful. God is so faithful to restore what the enemy tries to steal, kill, and destroy.

i'm struggling spiritually. maybe it's because lately i've been physically exhausted. i've been facing a lot of doubt, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of fear, a lot of questions....

it's overwhelming.

i look around at where i am, what i have, who is here with me....and i really don't understand it at all. somedays nothing makes sense at all.

i need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue...where else can i go? there's no other name by which i am saved, capture me with grace, i will follow You...this world has nothing for me....

hate my father and mother?

i don't, but i'm beginning to see how this might work. maybe it's just that they think i do. maybe this is what i surrendered to - a life of my family not understanding why i choose this over them.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26-27

i want to know what Jesus meant when He said this. what He really, actually meant.

show me, God.

this crazy adventure called life

is taking me to mozambique, africa in less than two months. i still can't believe it.

i want to be obedient, Lord. but You know i'm scared. i'm so glad i have you to lean on. help me in my unbelief.

i said yes. now i need You to provide. i know You will, You always have.

help me, God!

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

i've never believed that more than i do now.

:)

this week, complete with a million things to do that maybe should have stressed me out, has made me pretty happy.

i like how this is going.

honestly okay.

i wish it bothered you. but so far, nothing. and that hurts a little. 

i've been praying frequently. i don't want to be bitter. when i realized that my anger had actually begun to form itself into hate, i was scared. hating someone is not something i want to do. i don't care who they are or what they did. hate is not from God. 

every day it gets easier. i realize that i feel better now. i need to spend time with people who value me, and i have been. part of me wanted so much for you to be one of those people. but if you're not, you're not. and you're not. 

it's hard to let go. but it's right. so i have, almost completely now. it's a process. 

i think what is so hard is the recent realization that my true friends at mc are few and far between. i have few enough that i can count them on my fingers (probably of one hand). and i considered you one of those. i didn't want to let go because then i'd have even less. but my perspective was skewed. 

God, send me encouragement when i feel alone. help me to lean on You, Jesus, to press into You. You will never leave or forsake me. i believe that. God, fill my heart with Your love and also with your wisdom. continue to guide me with all my relationships and give me clarity as to what your will is. God, rip out the bitter root and plant a seed of Your truth that will bear fruits of Your Spirit. You are beautiful, Jesus, and  i want my heart to look like Yours.

"let's pretend we're paleontologists!"

i love kids. babysitting always confirms just how much. sometimes the kids at work or the kids i keep can be a handful, but they say the funniest things. (like aj last week after a "bad behavior" day..."well miss b, thanks for putting up with us today!") and i just love having the chance to teach them something. be it as simple as - isn't the world beautiful? do you know that God made the whole world, even you and me!?

i love that.

so God gave me this plan for the kindergarteners at work. we will learn, on average, one new verse a week. last week we spent every day talking about Psalm 19:14 and what it means : "may the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to You, oh God." and i was amazed when, on the second day of saying it together, rashard started spouting it off for memory during homework time. it's so beautiful to see these kids learning Scripture, and just getting to talk to them about what it means. about letting the things we say and the things we think make God happy :) i really want those things to grow for them, to just take root in their hearts and to blossom as they realize what following Jesus is all about. these kids are the future, you know?

having said all this, i'm worried about teaching in public school. it's going to be hard for me to NOT slip this kind of thing into my lessons. my desire to teach these kids about the Lord is overridden by laws that say i'm infringing on their rights if i do so. yeah. that's gonna be hard. i really feel like God is calling me to teach in inner city Jackson for a season, and eventually to go overseas to teach. public school is where i'm feeling led. public school is gonna be hard for me. but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

i can't wait to adopt some beautiful children into my family as my own. i used to think it was dumb when people said things like - "i just know i was meant to be a mom." but now i could say the same thing. i AM a mom inside. truth. my own mother confirmed this the other day when she said at sunday lunch - "betsey, i think you'll be a really good mom." i couldn't have been happier.

anyways...time to stop before i get too excited.

i love kids. so much. i learn so much from them. what a precious gift. thank you, Jesus.

life comes at you fast

yep. sure does.

i'm trying not to feel in over my head with school. compared to my 21-hour semester in the spring, this semester is cake. truly. i'm also trying not to feel directionless, still, after two whole years of being in college. as far as being sure goes, i'm more sure now about being a teacher than i have been about anything else. but that doesn't mean i'm positive. i have a lot of doubts.

what is it with doubt? i think i think too much. i doubt virtually everything in my life these days. everything. i guess that's better than the alternative - simply accepting everything and being overly passive, and letting things get past me and being driven by others. but still. doubt is tiring. it can really drain a person.

on a different note...

my faith has grown a lot. i've realized a lot of hard things about myself and others. about the state of things these days. things that grieve me.

about myself - i've realized how capable i am of not being the person i want to be. how much of a struggle it is to obey the Lord, to really follow Christ. how sinful my flesh is. how much i need God. how easy it is to forget how much i need God. how unworthy i am, and how prideful i can be sometimes to actually believe that i have some merit, some good in and of myself. how anything good in me is there because God put it there. how hard it is for me to truly love others sometimes. how lazy and complacent i can be if i let up for even a day. how much, how much, how much i need Him.

about others - i've realized people are not what you think they are. i already knew this but the depth of it is shocking (for example, a friend that i went on a mission trip with being arrested for embezzling $100,000 - shocking). i've also realized how much most people hate the truth. how resistant we can be to hearing it and accepting it as true. how most of us dislike vulnerability and feeling weak. how much others struggle with the exact same things i do, and how much we could help each other if we simply started being real.

about the state of things - i've realized that the world, even my little world at MC - a Christian university, is full of darkness. i've realized that it's impossible to change people, to change situtations. how much the world needs Jesus, because only He can. how much we need to fall on our faces before Him and repent and beg for Him to move. no other answer, be it humanitarian or political or social or whatever, will ever solve anything. only Jesus is the way, truth and life. only He seeks and saves what is lost. i've realized that my disappointment in the church (by church i mean Christianity as a whole) does not, in fact, help the church one bit. how i need to ask Him for wisdom because He will give it generously, and then i will know His will and can act accordingly. how the church really just needs a dose of the for-real-in-your-face-loving-judging-living-breathing-spring of life-redeeming-suffering-holy-humble-healing Jesus. and i can't give them that. He can.

and that's comforting. i choose to cast out the discouragement of satan from my life in the name of Jesus Christ. i refuse to be a defeated, trampled, run down, crushed, despairing Christian. Jesus died for something much more.

i love you, God. thank you.

i am hard pressed on every side

but not crushed. perplexed, but not in despair. persecuted, but not abandoned. struck down, but not destroyed.

although...i do feel in despair. suddenly it seized me tonight. i feel alone.

i just truly don't have a lot of real friends.

i knew this already. so why is it bothering me so?

pretty soon i'll be needing false teeth

technology gets on my nerves sometimes. i must be a bit of a hypocrite because obviously i'm sitting at a computer typing this.

orgsync just boils my blood. what happened to the good ole days where we could take attendance in person, on a piece of paper? what is so wrong with that? but nooooo, we have to make things more complicated. the thing is though, it's not THAT complicated, people. i do NOT believe that any freshmen have less free time than i do, that they truly do not have five minutes where they can get on their computer, or someone's, and simply register. i just know that they're all gonna act like it's my fault when they don't get chapel credit. but hey, i sent like 3 emails with directions, not to mention reminding them in group and through text. i do NOT feel sorry for them. simply irritated. i mean, this is beyond ridiculous at this point.

whew. i'm okay now. just needed to get that off my chest.

anyways....

i feel old. saturday night i studied, and did laundry, and for fun laura and i painted. we're really getting wild and crazy with the college life here. yeah.

the thing is, it doesn't bother me. at all. i see people going out and doing stuff, and i think - wow, hope they have fun. i think i'd like to have a nice cup of tea and listen to chopin and read and relax. wherever they're going would probably wear me out. i'm glad we have this nice comfy couch......

maybe it's just what being one step closer to adulthood looks like.

now THAT might bother me. it might just terrify me. yes.

people...

oh, people. how i love you. how i long for you. how you frustrate me. you know the truth - walk in it. you have been freed - don't be yoked again by the chains of slavery! you have tasted and seen - how could you possibly go back?

sometimes you don't understand the ways i love you. since i love you, i can't watch you living this way. it hurts me. i want what's best for you. sometimes i have to make things difficult, i have to speak the truth (in love) over you, even when it's not what you want to hear. and despite the fact that this causes you to avoid me, to hate me, to become angry with me, to speak out against me - i do it anyway. because i'm not afraid of losing you. there is no fear in love. and i love you.

this love is patient. it bears all things. but it doesn't mind being overwhelming sometimes.

so maybe

he's right. heck if i know. and i'm not sure whether i hope so, or hope not. ah, the confusion! life is complicated. i wish i could just cut out the part of my brain that is concerned with romantic relationships altogether. temporarily at least. then i could have some peace.

i'm sorry but it's getting to be that "time," according to narrow-minded people at mississippi college. i'm a junior, hopefully fairly near to graduation. and then what? of course i want to be a mom one of these days, and i wouldn't mind it being sooner rather than later. i love kids, i want to adopt quite a few into a family. my family. which so far is incredibly non-existent....

this sounds silly. i'm being ridiculous here. God doesn't work on any kind of human time frame or schedule. i want to eliminate that sort of thinking. i want to trust Him and believe wholeheartedly in His will, in His divine workings, His perfect plan.

and to the outsider looking in, i am patiently waiting.

but as i explained to him earlier....it only appears that way because i haven't had opportunity come a-knockin' yet. and i'm scared of what might have happened if it had. or what might happen if it does. i'm afraid that i'll be so ready for something, anything, that that's exactly what i might settle for. i'm so afraid.

i've also recently realized that in the past, i've been attracted to guys that i can fix. ones that i see some flaw in, something that i can improve upon. basically, a guy i think needs me for some reason or another. now if that's not dysfunctional i'm not sure what is. normal people are out looking for mr perfect, and here i am, apparently on this quest for mr needs-some-work. the question is: why is that? wow. i couldn't tell you. i just know it's true.

where am i right now? so scared of myself that i could never make any kind of relationship work. i think i push people away. subtly. in ways that most people don't understand. in ways i don't even understand. i push them away while seemingly trying to draw them closer. it's toxic.

i think i've said too much. it's time for bed. but thanks alot, you, cause now my wheels are turning. and i don't like what's stirring up here.

God, help me. really. just help me. a lot. i need you so much.

"raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then i'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully i'll run to You...i'm alive and i'll sing..................."

in your anger...

...do not sin.

truth spoken over my life by someone who hardly knows me. met her at lunch today. i feel like she's already gotten to the heart of the matter....which blew me away. i'm positive she's real. how refreshing.

so i can't walk away from this. i'm beginning to see that this is what God wants from me. it's just never been this hard before. i don't want to be the one for this job, God. why, Lord? it's painful. i'm tired of hurting.

amy would say that Jesus hurts every day. weeps every day. has a broken heart every day.

and if i'm getting to know His heart, then i should be hurting, weeping, and brokenhearted also.

it's often easy to focus so much on the joy that comes from walking with the Lord that i convince myself that's all there is. whenever i get to that point, though, i'm not really walking with my Jesus. this faith He requires of me is heart-wrenching, knee-buckling, stomach-turning, consuming my whole life.

God answered some major prayers today. i am so amazed. PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!

keep working, Jesus, for your glory and no one else's. Jesus just move, Holy Spirit blow and ignite the fire and consume all that isn't You and leave us all burning, God, burning for You. make it impossible to live without You. God i want to pant for you like a deer pants for water. Jesus you are amazing. i stand in awe of You more every day. You blow me away. oh, Jesus, no words could express....i'm overcome....

only pretty sure.

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.
Before you take a swing, I wonder - what are we fighting for?
When I say out loud I wanna get out of this
I wonder is there anything I'm gonna miss....
I wonder - How's it gonna be when you don't know me?
How's it gonna be when you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be when there's no one to talk to
between you and me - cause I don't care
how's it gonna be?

my heart...

...is heavy. Frustration is seeping in already now that I'm back at school.

First of all, there are so many people I don't know here now. It feels strange. But I'm okay with that. Glad actually. I don't want to be involved. I'm not interested in most social things anymore. I'm pretty much done with all of that, I think.

But other people aren't. And so that means that as I try to have real relationships with people instead of running all over the place being busy, they are doing just the opposite. This is difficult for me. Mostly because those things don't mean anything to me.

I've also begun to realize just how fake most people are. It's ridiculous. I've gotten to where I can see through most of that. I want to shake people out of it. Just force them to be real. But of course, I can't...and maybe it's stupid to even try to challenge people to be genuine. So far it's not going well, at least. Not well at all. It breaks my heart.

I don't really know what else to say. I can't really stand to be around people very much right now. I sit in my room and think, and wish that someone would spend time being real with me. Share some quality, genuine time.

How disappointing.

anticipation and fear

I'm ready to move back in. This school year is going to be big, I can feel it. And I can hardly wait.

I sense that as much as things changed this summer, they are about to change even more. I also sense that some of these changes are going to be difficult to swallow. I'm not sure yet what this will look like, but I guess I'll know when it happens.

Has God ever asked you to speak truth, and you knew that if you spoke it, it would cause a lot of trouble? I'm there. And it's a little scary. If I say these things that I know to be true, that I know need to be heard by these people I love so much....they could not only disagree, but they might hate me for it.

I can identify with Jeremiah here:

O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction. So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. - Jeremiah 20:7-9

I can't keep it in. And I know that I won't. And that is what's so terrifying. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous. God, help me.

stop.

I couldn't sleep last night. This has become pretty typical of the last two weeks, being sick and all. And yesterday was quite a day. Ya know? I couldn't have slept anyway. I was replaying things I'd said and done and feeling pretty bad about myself.

I pulled out the Word. Always a source of peace and truth, two things I need constantly. I started reading, and God revealed to me my sin. I got frustrated, and I started praying.

God I just want to STOP these things. Put them to an end. Put them to death. I hate them. I don't want them in my life, I never want to do them again.

Then the word stop was rolling around in my head. Just stop. Just stop. Stop thinking that way, stop saying those things, just stop.

I got inspired. Here's what resulted:



I always knew I would use that stop sign for something.

It's funny...the first thing I ever really painted is...words.

So this is going somewhere where I will see it every day. As a reminder to put to death the sinful nature and let Christ live in me....

somedays...

...aren't yours at all they come and go like they're someone else's days they come and leave you behind someone else's face and it's harsher than yours colder than yours...they come in a quiet sweep up and then they leave and you don't hear a single floorboard creak they're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side...


I'm not here...not anymore. I've gone away don't call me don't write. I've gone away don't call me don't write. Don't call me don't call me don't call me don't write....

i'm desperate for you.

I need to get a few things off my chest.

I want to be part of something real. Something alive, that lives and moves and has its being in Christ alone. She loves, she gives, she hurts, she struggles, she weeps, she laughs, she dances, she falls and she rises again and again. She questions, she challenges, she longs for more. She is not content to go with the flow and drink her caramel macchiatos and watch Sex and the City and wear Polo and let life wash over her and change her until she no longer thinks but only consumes like so many others. No. She dreams, she has a vision. A vision of what it would look like if God would answer her cry for his kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven.

I'm tired of fake. I'm tired of shallow, meaningless, fleeting, chasing after the wind. I'm tired of wasting time, finances, intellect, words, enthusiasm....on things that have zero eternal significance. I'm sick and tired. Just sick and tired enough to give it up. To start taking God at His word.

Take God at His word. "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly" (Colossians 3). God's word dwells, it is alive. "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4).

God's word is deep....it goes to the very depths of who I am. In a world of skin-deep and superficial, aren't we all desperate for that? I long for that. It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. I need that. In a world full of opinions, with my human heart in the condition it is ("deceitful above all things"), God's word is soul-shaking truth that divides soul and spirit, demands change. He loves me. Way too much to leave me the way I am.

Something deep, real, and alive. Just what I've been searching for. And it's sitting on my bedside table. It's settling down on my heart.

I know You're alive, You came to fix my broken life. And I sing to glorify Your holy name, Jesus Christ. Fire, fall down, Fire, fall down, on us we pray...Show me Your heart, show me Your way, show me Your glory!!

when donkeys fly!!

I don't like taking medicine. It's not natural. I can feel the codeine kicking in but I'm fighting it. The coughing has diminished and I'm delirious. We have a snake living under our porch, a rather large one at that. My mother wants to chop its head off with a hoe. I say let the poor thing live. It's not hurting anyone (yet, my mother says). I like all God's animals except spiders and cockroaches (which I'm okay with so long as they don't crawl near me), so if they kill it, I hope they don't tell me about it. I cried when I hit a raccoon with my car. I should join PETA. Except I like Chick-fil-a...this presents a problem....

I want to move in next Monday. Fingers crossed. If so I'll have several days of solitude in my nice, big room of West 204. Oh, the joy. Please, Cam, have mercy. Find my reasons adequate for your approval.

So, I'm going to be a teacher. I hope they like me, all those kids. I hope I'm their favorite teacher. I'm going to sit up at night, thinking about ways to inspire them to love learning, praying for their futures. I can't wait. It'll be like having 30 children all at once. Only I won't have to worry about feeding and clothing them. Well...

Maybe I'll end up teaching at Davis Elementary, right across the street from the Lancasters/my future house. That would be perfection. Work, home, church - all on the same street. Love all around. Beautiful.

I miss the Simple Way. And Pastor Joe. And church being real, people getting EXCITED about Jesus. (Speaking of, I have a few words coming in the very near future concerning the question that has been burning on my mind as of late: why in the world are people NOT excited about Jesus? Helloooo...what are we doing in church? Are we sleeping?) If ever I move away from Jackson, and it's not to Greece, you can bet your bottom dollar it will be to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Cornerstone Community Church here I come!

God's not dead - NO! He is alive! God's not dead - NO! He is alive! God's not dead - NO! He is alive! I can feel Him in my hands, I can feel Him in my feet, I can feel Him in my heart, I can feel Him in my soul - GOD IS ALIVE!!!

set free.

I wish I could put into words just what this summer has done to me. It's irreparable. I'll never be the same again.

Praise the Lord.

On May 16, 2008, I realized my life was at that point completely run by fear. Fear of what could be, what would be, of becoming something, of not becoming something, of having or not having, of being alone, of being unhappy, of being like others, of being unlike others. Fear was reigning, ruling, governing. Thoughts, decisions, actions, responses. Fear.

I've been set free.

Who I was at the very core has been ripped out, transformed. And in two short weeks I return to a campus full of people, most of whom have no idea. I hope it will be obvious that I am not the same. But just to make things clear - I want to stand in the middle of the quad and yell it, I want to climb on the tables in the caf and shout it: "Attention everyone! Jesus changed my life this summer! He is real and He's moving and He wants to come in and completely rock your world!! Are you ready? He is!"

Maybe that's not such a crazy idea. I'm not sure. My definition of "crazy" has changed as of late.

I refuse to be suffocated by normalcy. I refuse to be frozen by fear. I refuse to be boxed in by the expectations of others.

I've been set free.

Romans 8:15 - "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"

Yeah.

Live it.

a journey of humility

I left my home in Madison, Mississippi, on August 23 hoping for an adventure in faith. My friend Callie and I had very few plans or ideas about what we would do when we got to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, other than that we wanted God to use us, to show us something. I had begun to dream this summer of a different life, a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, of sacrifice and community and selflessness and love. Reading about the Simple Way confirmed that in me, and I wanted to meet these people who were already living the kind of lives I'd only imagined.

I wanted God to teach me. Boy, has he.

I've always heard about people who just do whatever they want to do, then ask God to bless it. How ridiculous that is, because the Lord blesses obedience to Him. I suppose I've been one of those people before, but over the past week and a half, it has been painfully obvious that I am now. Going into this, I barely prayed. And when I did pray I didn't receive peace from the Lord because this trip was not His idea...it was mine. Instead of being sensitive to the Spirit, I ignored these feelings, explained them away.

If nothing else, I have been so incredibly humbled by this experience. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps," and in Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Almost from the very start, I was frustrated because everything seemed to be going wrong. Callie's car broke down on the way to the airport, our flight to Philly was delayed 6 hours, we had nowhere to stay when we arrived so we ended up in New Jersey. I convinced myself that this was Satan trying to prevent us from serving the Lord, but in reality and retrospect, I can't help but believe it was the Lord trying to allow me to serve Him where I have truly been called.

It's very hard to admit that, quite a bit of money and distance and time later, much of all that has been wasted. That I have been a bad steward of the opportunities and resources God has given me. But God's purpose prevails. His Word tells me that. So it doesn't matter what I do, His purpose will prevail. In the several interactions I've had since I've been here that were certainly sent by the Lord, in the sharing of the word and the love of Christ, His purpose prevails. And by getting here and realizing how foolish I've been, by being stripped of my pride and my feelings of independence to see that He is all I need and that I am nothing without Him - His purpose prevails in my life.

I'm so glad that God is who He is. That even when I fail Him, when I do what I want, when I don't listen to His voice, when I turn away from what He has for me, He still loves. He is a patient and loving Father. He isn't resting condemnation on me, He's saying - "Okay, child, I forgive you. Now what did you learn? How can you grow?"

God, I praise you. I mourn the fact that I did not listen to you but thank you for your mercy - for using even THIS for your glory! You are good, Jesus! I bless your holy name! I want to hear you speak and I will be still and wait for you. God, be the center, be the focus of my heart.

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. Oh, how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so...We are his portion and he is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes. If grace is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart beats violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us, oh how he loves us....

new perspectives on prayer

Last night I found myself upset with friendships in my life. Feeling like I had no one else to talk to, I started ranting to God. "God, why does it seem like my friends use me as a fall back? Only my friend when it's convenient for them. God, it hurts!"

Tears welled up in my eyes and I sat there and waited for God to say something. In the silence He gently reminded me that He knows my pain. He knows how I feel because so many times I have done the very same thing to Him.

What a humbling response. As I continued to pray, my anger turned to repentance as God revealed truth to me.

My understanding of prayer is deepening. The whole point of prayer isn't simply talking to God. It's learning God's heart. Seeing what God thinks about things. God speaks, He really does. I'm writing this because even I so often forget it. But hearing God speaks requires us to listen.

The LORD said [to Elijah], "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. - 1 Kings 19: 11-12

God's voice is the gentle whisper. It's easy to drown Him out when we don't want His opinion. Hearing Him requires a willing heart and silence.

"Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10