stream of consciousness

i used to hate cleaning. i was such a slob. i was the kind of person that neat people couldn't bear to live with. and now, i'm not sure what happened, but i can't go to bed with a mess. beyond that, cleaning has become therapeutic for me. there's something about straightening up the mess in my little world that helps me straighten up the messes in my mind. clear my thoughts, if you will.

i've been cleaning for about an hour and now i am almost ready for bed.


i'm ready to live somewhere real. to move all the stuff that belongs to me out of the house in madison and into somewhere that is mine. which means, i'm sure, that i would be getting rid of a lot of things. i want to get rid of a lot of things. i want to put the possessions dearest to me in a duffel bag and ditch all the rest. i want to jump in my car and go somewhere. get on a plane and move to africa. i want to do that now. why can't i? what's really holding me back? is it really God's will that i stay in school or am i just doing this because it's what everyone else (and me) thinks i'm supposed to do? because it's what's expected?

i don't even know anymore. my thoughts are wild lately. i have a hard time finding purpose some days in some of the things i do.

but i'm doing a lot fewer meaningless things now that i used to be doing. so i guess that's a start. there's still so much that needs to be stripped away.


"therefore since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses in the life of faith, let us STRIP OFF every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. and let us RUN with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up."

Lord knew i needed that sunday. and today. and every day. thank you, Lord.