so maybe

he's right. heck if i know. and i'm not sure whether i hope so, or hope not. ah, the confusion! life is complicated. i wish i could just cut out the part of my brain that is concerned with romantic relationships altogether. temporarily at least. then i could have some peace.

i'm sorry but it's getting to be that "time," according to narrow-minded people at mississippi college. i'm a junior, hopefully fairly near to graduation. and then what? of course i want to be a mom one of these days, and i wouldn't mind it being sooner rather than later. i love kids, i want to adopt quite a few into a family. my family. which so far is incredibly non-existent....

this sounds silly. i'm being ridiculous here. God doesn't work on any kind of human time frame or schedule. i want to eliminate that sort of thinking. i want to trust Him and believe wholeheartedly in His will, in His divine workings, His perfect plan.

and to the outsider looking in, i am patiently waiting.

but as i explained to him earlier....it only appears that way because i haven't had opportunity come a-knockin' yet. and i'm scared of what might have happened if it had. or what might happen if it does. i'm afraid that i'll be so ready for something, anything, that that's exactly what i might settle for. i'm so afraid.

i've also recently realized that in the past, i've been attracted to guys that i can fix. ones that i see some flaw in, something that i can improve upon. basically, a guy i think needs me for some reason or another. now if that's not dysfunctional i'm not sure what is. normal people are out looking for mr perfect, and here i am, apparently on this quest for mr needs-some-work. the question is: why is that? wow. i couldn't tell you. i just know it's true.

where am i right now? so scared of myself that i could never make any kind of relationship work. i think i push people away. subtly. in ways that most people don't understand. in ways i don't even understand. i push them away while seemingly trying to draw them closer. it's toxic.

i think i've said too much. it's time for bed. but thanks alot, you, cause now my wheels are turning. and i don't like what's stirring up here.

God, help me. really. just help me. a lot. i need you so much.

"raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then i'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully i'll run to You...i'm alive and i'll sing..................."