i had a day.

i'm glad i'm about to climb into bed right now. i'm not very happy with myself today. i'm not quite sure why either. i just had a day, ya know?

i worry way too much about what people think. i always have to qualify and explain and justify and blah blah blah to everyone and anyone that i think might or could or would care about anything and everything that nobody or everybody or anybody gathers or perceives or believes that i think or say or do. exhausting, no? yes.

i should just live my life. wow. easier said than done.

i want to be extreme. i want to just drop everything and go. every day this feeling grows in my heart and soul and mind a little more and it's getting to be too much to bear. like a fire in my bones...i'm weary of holding it in, indeed, i cannot. how long, oh Lord, must i wait? will you forget your servant forever? here am i, please, GOD! send me. and make it snappy. before i explode or implode or simply go insane.

my life is a ridiculously dramatic dichotomy. on the one hand, i have this world i'd like to be in fully and completely, where God is real, and he's doing miraculous things, and he asks me for everything, and the only opinion i'm concerned with is his. on the other hand, i have this world that i feel i've been crammed into, where there are all these expectations and requirements and criteria that i'm not convinced i was ever meant to meet. pointless, stupid, monotonous, and some just downright wastes of time. why the heck do i have to go to college? i mean, seriously. it's not that i don't enjoy it, i do....sometimes too much. i love class, i love learning, i don't mind the work most of the time. but at the same time, my life is a vapor. fleeting. and these things are all meaningless, right? chasing after the wind? i'm ready to chase something i can take ahold of, please.

God, what do i do?? i'm at this place of crisis once again. how many times have we even been here, Lord? i mean, really. can we just move past this? what do you want from me? am i supposed to push through and endure? or can i abandon all of this for something better? or is there something better right now...is this it or no? have i been wrong all this time? i feel like i'm supposed to DO something else here. but i've already done a lot, haven't i? i feel like where i am now hasn't been a result of doing nothing, or even little. i know it's not supposed to be easy, and i don't want it to be. easy is cheap. i want a costly discipleship. and God you've been stretching me a LOT. yet i know there's more but what the heck IS it? God, please!! help me out here. you alone are wise. i can't even pretend to have a clue, i only know what you tell me. and right now it hasn't been much, the path is very dark, i can only see the very next step in front of me. and i know you want it that way, i do. but i need some clarity, some vision, something, anything, please. what am i supposed to say when they ask me what my plans are? what do i tell them when they want to know where i'm headed? i don't know doesn't work so well, i know this because i've tried. but why can't i not know?? what's wrong with not knowing? if i knew then i wouldn't have to trust you, God. oh, Lord....take over.

i will wait for you, Jesus, you're the sun on my horizon.
all my hope's in you, Jesus, i can see you now arising.