this song

came into my life at the perfect time. "seattle" by mary mary....

I lay me down tonight searching for words to say
So many doubts that fight me from calling out your name
But Lord it's me again ready for something new
Please rest upon my heart like the morning dew

Holy Spirit rain like Seattle

Overtake my life like a flood
Like California shake
What's not like you
I just want a heart like yours

Just like a painter has some colors and a brush
Upon the canvas soon a masterpiece becomes
Please take all that I am and all that I can be
Transform, renew, restore create a better me

Holy Spirit rain like Seattle
Overtake my life like a flood
Like California shake
What's not like you
I just want a heart like yours

Open up my heart

Fill me with your love
Every single part
Make me what you're made of
Take me from the start
Hold my hand in yours
Let the rain pour

Holy Spirit rain like Seattle
Overtake my life like a flood
Like California shake
What's not like you
I just want a heart like yours

growing up

is great in some ways. in others, it really bites.

everyone i know is getting married, or engaged, or finishing school and moving far far away. or just changing a lot, to where i don't feel like i know them anymore. i am sad. i just said goodbye to my mexican family and the person who has truly become, through the best and worst times this year, through everything really, my closest friend.

i know i'm not alone...but i feel very lonely.

i'm ready for school to start already.....aaahhhhh!!!

"come to me...

....all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and i will give you rest." - matthew 11:28



true story. Jesus, you kept your promise. i love you.

i have no idea

what the future holds for me. but i know who holds my future. and i LOVE him. and i trust him. he always provides for me and protects me. and he always surprises me and takes me on adventures and amazes me. so....i'm really really excited about spending the rest of my life with him.

this is my heart today.


speaking of hearts, i had a heart-to-heart with ro at work today....God just gave me words for that little boy and i know he was listening to me. i think we had a breakthrough. i am praying that things change for him here soon.

i have this feeling in my spirit that a lot of things are about to change soon. it's stirring up inside me. it's like a fire in my bones. i'm weary of holding it in; indeed, i cannot......

psalm 119:11

i have hidden your word in my heart, that i might not sin against you.


because....out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

amen.

thoughts.

your love is many things to me
but fickle it is not
unlike affection others bring
yours was dearly bought
not by the doings of my hands
was your favor won
no, blood was spilt on my behalf
by a most beloved son
and when you look at my heart now
it's drenched in his suffering
and you offer me forgiveness
because with him you are pleased

i am loving.....

the cooler weather and the rain today, afternoon naps, the newest mat kearney cd, the fact that i'm about to see two friends from high school that i haven't seen in years, coffee, my mexico necklace, and how summer is winding down in the most perfect fashion this year.....

the simple things have brought me great joy today. and every good and perfect gift comes from above.....

so for that, Jesus, i just want to say: thank You. You are good.

good things

are happening all over the place here lately. i can't even count them all.

i know that i'm not supposed to go back to mexico again this summer, although it would be feasible. this disappoints me a lot...but i also know that it is because God has something for me here during those three work-free weeks, so i'm trying not to be a baby about it. pastor jeff talked about how babies are so precious, until they don't get their way, and then they scream their heads off, expecting someone to meet their need and NOW...."God has a lot of children who are babies and have been that way much too long," he said. one sign of spiritual immaturity is seeing God merely as an instrument to achieve what i want. i don't want to be like that. so i'm opening my eyes to see what i can do here :)

i need more discipline in my life. i need a spiritual trainer. like one of those new-age gurus, only a Christian.....do they make those? either way, before the end of this summer i'm going to whip into shape.

i love you, Jesus. and i'm going to show it better.

i'm homesick

for mexico. i miss it. my heart aches for it. more than i've ever ached for a place and people before.

i tried to call miguel yesterday, but ended up leaving a crazy voicemail because obviously i was trying to talk to him, so i didn't have a "message" planned. oh the joys of language learning.

i feel sad.

pretty sure

i did the right thing. but it sucks. i have peace in my heart but it saddens me, too. because i truly love that kid. i hope he gets that.

i have to trust that it's in God's hands. He is the friend who sticks closer than a brother....and that's what is needed. not me. i can't keep clinging, trying to bring salvation, life. that's not my place.



maybe we WILL meet again further down the river, and share what we both discovered, then revel in the view.....

i hope so.

hey Jesus, i'm sad. please be close to me today. amen.

i can't be

the person i want to be right now. i hate feeling so weak, so helpless, so needy. i want to be strong and stand tall and be the bravest woman you know. where has my courage run off to?

i waver. at my best moments i am capable of conquering the entire universe....and then i crumble to pieces like a ritz cracker.

it's interesting to me....the amazing things that he said of me left me desperate for them to be true. that person he described is a lady i'd love to be. well, he thinks that is who i am...so why can't i be?

here is where i either choose to go forward and become who i want to be...or stand paralyzed and eventually be exposed as a fake, not at all what he (and others, apparently) think i am.

alright. get to steppin.

incredible. that man is already making me better. confirmation: southside is now my home.

sometimes you just have to

stand your ground. even if it means the other person walking away.

i truly hope that he doesn't. but i'm not changing my mind on this one.....i meant what i said. if it's not worth that to him then it isn't worth trying to hold onto.

it's out of my hands for now. maybe for always.





thank you God, for friends to laugh with. friends who listen and who believe in me, who are proud of me. friends who build me up and let me be who i am....and love me for just that. thank you for reminding me that i have those people right now. send more of them to me speedily....in Jesus' name, so be it.

school gets in the way

of me doing things that are really important. at least i think this sometimes. college has been great for me and helped me grow in a lot of ways. but it would be nice to be able to look forward to more time to just BE with people and LOVE them. it's going to be so tough to do when i am trying to study and write papers and all that nonsense. Lord, help me.

i love jackson. living downtown is one of the best things that's happened in my life. i have some great stories already....more on that soon!

today i had a breakthrough with one of the girls in my class at mission first. kiara is a tough cookie....it's been really hard for me to connect with her. we had a heart to heart in the hallway and the Lord asked me to pray for her before we went back in the classroom. when i said amen and looked up she had tears streaming down her face. i think her heart and mine both softened a little this afternoon. it was good, really good. :)

tonight we prayer walked and we stopped by carolyn's house. carolyn, whose name i thought was curly the first time we met because she was so drunk she couldn't talk. carolyn had a breakthrough today too....as miss amy prayed over her she began to cry. we told her that God loved her in spite of her mistakes, and she said, "i know. i just need to learn to love myself." wow. tomorrow i'm going back to visit her and her mom, berta mae, and take them some cookies. i am praying the visit goes well and that the Lord speaks through me to encourage them.

i need so much more of Jesus. i can't do anything for them without Him. fill me up, Father....

wow.

i have a lot to do to prepare myself to move to mexico. visas, mission agencies, support letters, working, school....many, many decisions. big decisions. i need lots of wisdom.

but it sure is exciting :) i can't help but smile when i think about it. mexico. me, in mexico.

it'll be here sooner than i know.

I'm called

to Mexico. I'm sure of it. I fully expect that this time next year I'll either be there or be heading there shortly.

Just wanted to get that out in the open. Thank you God, for answering my prayers and giving me clarity.....I am so glad to KNOW :) I can't wait, Jesus!! Mexico is amazing, thank you for giving it to me.

Now I just need to find myself either A) a man who loves Mexico the way I do or B) a Mexican husband....

I think I'll take option B.

this place

is so beautiful. because the people are beautiful. i say that everywhere i go, because everywhere i go it's true. and i could live here. also true everywhere i've been. truly true.

so i've decided something. it's time. the rubber meets the road here. when i get home, it needs to be all or nothing. and it's not going to be nothing.

i've been thinking a lot about all the people who live in the neighborhoods near me. they don't know Jesus. and this summer i have lots of free time. i work until noon every day, and every afternoon there's time. time to go to them. to talk to them. to love them and to spend with them. i'm gonna do it. and how easy is it? they're right there, there's no language barrier...true, there are lots of differences, and maybe i can't relate to everything they experience, but....i love them. i do. because He loved me first, and He loves them most.

these are my thoughts these two weeks here. wow. two weeks already. i don't want to say adios.

mexico

is 15 or so hours away. i have no idea what's in store for me there, but i am looking forward to whatever it is :) 

i kind of feel like i'm abandoning everyone in jackson, though. mario told me today that since i'm going to be gone three weeks, he would be too. hm...that made me smile. i love those people, man. i really do. they're becoming more than neighbors. they're my friends. i will miss them while i'm gone. 

and it will keep getting better. 

i need to bathe. shalom to all and hopefully i'll get to write on this thing while i'm gone...if not there shall be post-trip reflections for sure. 

when it's all said and done, only three will remain: faith, hope, and love. so give me some of those. 

domestication

is taking place in my life right now. i potted a plant yesterday. and washed and folded clothes, changed sheets, did dishes....and i enjoyed it. what is the meaning of all this?

on a spiritual note, i feel overwhelmed. i need more time with Jesus. living down here is draining, not to mention the fact that mercy is my primary gift so everything gets me....i need discernment. i need grace and patience. i need more love. i need a lot of things that i can only find in Him.



in need of grace, in need of love
in need of mercy raining down from high above
in need of strength, in need of peace
in need of things that only you can give to me
in need of Christ, the perfect Lamb
my refuge strong, the great I AM
this is my song, it's my humble plea
cause I am your child, and I am in need.

it's different when you sleep there.

and that's the truth. before i could come and go, but now i'm here and here i stay. it hasn't even been a full week yet and i feel a bit of tension....this is what it means to die to self. just let go of all of my own desires and wishes and let him do his thing. follow.

i'm hoping that soon i'll have a lot to write about my experiences here. this week begins a year of ministry in the inner city. this week begins a new chapter of my life. i don't really know what all that means (and it's good not to know, i've decided).

i miss africa. and mexico. i want to know where i'm going. mali? kameroon? mozambique? atlacomulco?

please, please, please show me. please.

p.s. - THIS made my day:


mr. watson is in good hands now. and i have a picture to prove it. thanks, jared :)




africa, i miss you. my heart longs for you. bring me back.

yep.

give me your eyes for just one second
give me your eyes so i can see
everything that i keep missing
give me your love for humanity
give me your arms for the broken hearted
the ones that are far beyond my reach
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
give me your eyes so i can see

this one is for you, but you know that.

say anything. 

this is safe.

the only other who will see you this way

did before the thoughts even became. 

this one, divinity who stooped to be a man

yes, i ask him every day to stoop again 

and change things. and he is.

invisibly to you, though he will place

his hands on your eyes soon and give you grace

to see it too. 

don't give up. he won't give up on you. 

p.s. - thanks for inspiration. i'm writing again, because of you. 

misunderstandings.

i'm talking in a language you don't speak

and maybe i'm too soft but i believe

anyone would feel this way right now

go ahead, pretend that you don't know

say i've built walls but i promise yours are higher

honey you're just preaching to the choir

no one asked you to start the demolition

you're bulldozing by your own volition

tender ones need gentle urging but

you want to fix the scar by making cuts 

there

is so much to say, yet i do not have the words to adequately express.

the song "you found me" by the fray really makes me think about my homeless friends downtown. don't know why.



i found God on the corner of 1st and amistad
where the west was all but won
all alone, smoking his last cigarette
i said, "where ya been?" and he said, "ask anything."

lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
why'd you have to wait? where were you? where were you?
just a little late, you found me, you found me.....

why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me

amy carmichael wrote....

have you no wound? 

no wound? no scar? 

yes, as the Master shall the servant be,

and pierced are the feet that follow Me,

yet yours are whole. 

can she have followed far -- who has no wound? no scar?

s.o.s.

i know that you said
when i am weak you're strong
but i'm so tired of being weak
i know that you said
when i mourn you will comfort
but i'm ready to dance again

that last one was so dark...

...and i wasn't even feeling that way. i need to write something new, it's time. it's time for many new things, and there's really no need to be scared. i trust you, God.


heart healer
i place all of mine
in the only hands
that can hold it how it needs.
don't let go.
and i promise
i won't take it back this time.
amen.

a poem.

nighttime is your best escape.

darkness masks dark circles 

from too many hours awake. 

close your eyes tight and pray that you don't dream.

no need for reminders

of unattainable things. 

maybe tonight your heart will slow and cease.

a heart can't ache if it can't even beat.

fell in love in mexico

what an amazing trip. i never imagined that it would be so beautiful. i'm counting the days until i can return (hopefully only 49!) and working on my spanish....i think maybe this is it. this is the place God wants me to be?! it's hard to say but it's certainly a very real possibility.

i miss it...everything about it. especially the people. there's something very special and dear to my heart there. i want to call it my home.

big enough

i question are you big enough, and i wonder are you strong enough
to help me even stand
and i wish i had more faith in you
even though i know what you've brought me through
i want to understand
where we're going with this plan.....

(thank you casey combest)

disappointing people

is something i've always been overly concerned about. just when i think i have it conquered, i realize how much i'm still doing for the approval of others, and how hard it is for me to let things go sometimes, not because i love doing them but because i don't want to feel like i've let anyone down.

it's time to let go. again.

no worries

because God always works out all the details. you'd think i'd have this completely figured out by now.

my name was one of 40, out of 120 girls, chosen yesterday to live off campus next year. this is confirmation that the Lord really does want me to continue making steps towards moving into the Faith House downtown and interning with the Lancasters. i am excited, but now as it's becoming definite i've realized what kind of changes this may mean for my life. some i am really happy with, others are going to be a little harder to swallow....such as changes in relationships. a lot of uncertainty has been in my mind lately. but God holds all the answers so i need to be leaning on Him. as i've said before, i need to pray more - especially cause i sure could use some guidance right now.

i feel like the world is completely open to me as i serve the Lord. i can go anywhere He calls me, and He could call me ANYWHERE. what incredible freedom and potential adventure when i walk with Him....

i'm considering lots of options for my several weeks off work this summer. the ukraine, africa, mexico, california - all are appealing to me. maybe i'll even be doing something i haven't thought of yet. we will see.

only time will tell....with all of it.

dear so and so....

I wanted to write and share with you all the things God has been doing in my life since I last wrote. First I want to thank you for your incredible love and support, and especially your prayers. Because you prayed earnestly, our trip to Greece was a success. Our group of about thirty from First Baptist Clinton joined thirty other college students from across the United States in Athens for a weeklong World Changers project. I was assigned to the team doing ministry in the gypsy camp, and what a blessing that was! The children were absolutely gorgeous and we had the opportunity to share with them all week the beautiful message of God’s love for them. Although I went give to these kids, I received so much from them, as they lavished us with hugs and kisses every single day. The missionaries shared with us the change that had gradually been taking place in the gypsies as the missionaries continued to show love to them, day after day. These people who were once only greedy, suspicious, and hard-hearted towards the gospel were beginning to soften. God’s love changes hearts, and I got to see this firsthand in Greece.

At the beginning of this summer I began to pray about how the Lord wanted me to spend the rest of my time at Mississippi College. I had reached a point where I knew God wanted more from me, and I wanted to be used by Him. As I prayed, I clearly heard the Lord say He wanted me to live and serve in downtown Jackson. This was a huge revelation! I continued to pray and the Lord led me to Amy and David Lancaster. The Lancasters felt God’s call to Jackson four years ago, moved, and began loving their neighbors and preaching the word downtown. I became involved with this ministry, We Will Go, and the Lord absolutely broke my heart for the people of Jackson. There is so much hurt, so much need, and only Jesus can heal! The Lord began to show me what He can do when we are truly willing to give Him everything.

This November, I went with We Will Go to Mozambique, Africa. The Lord never ceases to amaze me! He grew my faith as He miraculously provided everything we needed for the trip. We worked alongside Iris Ministries in Pemba, Mozambique, loving the orphan children and worshipping the Lord in spirit and in truth with the believers there. I saw a bigger picture of what God’s kingdom really looks like – people from every tribe and tongue will one day stand before the throne to praise Him! How beautiful! Seeing the true faith and passion of Christians in Mozambique truly challenged me. These people have nothing, they depend entirely on the Lord to meet every need. So many times I try to do things myself, and I always fail. But nothing is impossible with God - in Him we have all we need for life and godliness!
We Will Go recently purchased two buildings on their street that the Lord promised them years ago. These buildings will house interns whom the Lord is calling to serve alongside the Lancasters in Jackson. I knew when I first heard them speak about these buildings over the summer that this was where the Lord would have me live, and now I am preparing to move there this summer and live there during my last year at MC. Looking back over 2008, it is easy to see all the ways that the Lord has moved and all the things He has been teaching me. Looking forward into 2009, I am so excited to think about all He will continue to do. In March, I am headed to Mexico with First Baptist Clinton’s college ministry to share Jesus Christ there! I am excited to have an opportunity to use the two years of Spanish I’ve had at Mississippi College to speak His name and tell about His amazing love.

School is going well, and I plan to graduate next May with a degree in Christian Studies and a minor in Spanish (after many changes of major! J). I am praying about what God wants me to do after graduation, and really, I have no idea what that could be. I know that He is calling me to serve Him full-time, but where and when and how I don’t know. I trust that He will continue to faithfully guide me as He has thus far. I am excited to see what new adventures God has for the future – there’s never a dull moment in serving Him!

I am so blessed to have you in my life. Please know that as you have been praying for me, I have been praying for you also. If there’s anything specific I can pray about for you, please let me know – I would love to lift you up in this way! Thank you for allowing me to share with you about what God is doing. Even sitting here writing this is an encouragement and a reminder to me of who God is and what He has done, and I hope it encourages you also. I love you and I hope to write again soon.

this

is very new to me. all of this. i have no clue about when to say things, what to say, or how to say them....the same goes with actions. i think i am failing, miserably even. g helped me a lot at work today by simply sharing with me from his own experience. i am so glad that he and i have gotten to be friends. what a blessing. i love our little talks before the kids arrive every day. his words calmed my spirit, he promised it was normal to be confused and unsure and to stumble through these things. which is good. cause i'm confused, unsure, and stumbling. 

thank God for...well, God. what an amazing Jesus i have. without Him my life would be crumbling, and perhaps not even in existence right now. i need to focus on this. 

You're the center of the universe, everything was made in You, Jesus. breath of every living thing, everyone was made for You. You hold everything together, You hold everything together....oh Christ, be the center of our lives, be the place we fix our eyes, be the center of our lives....

embers

that need to be blown on. that's what my heart has become here lately. the fire has died down, i have noticed it increasingly more over the past several days. i want the Lord to blow on my life and revive the fire that was burning there such a short time ago.

i know His breath comes from being near to Him. that's what i need to do. be near to Him.

being around others who love Him helps. i'm praying that the Lord sends people my way who are unexpectedly in love with Him....people that aren't churchy or religious, just head over heels crazy about Jesus. maybe people that i would never think of, but his precious ones that He loves. someone to challenge my thoughts about God, to shake and break and teach me....ya know?

i don't want to lose sight. i don't want to forget my first Love. i want it to always be an adventure, me and Him.

honestly, i've neglected. we haven't been close because i haven't let us be.

after all this, i still lack accountability. please, someone, make me be real with you. ask me how the Lord and i are doing and don't be satisfied until i tell you the truth...the deep truth, not just some answer i can give you to make you go away.

i need to be learning God's word, not just reading it. i need to be praying. fasting. there's so much this relationship needs that it's not getting, and it's not God's fault.

God, forgive me. and help me love you the way i should...the way i want to....the way you deserve. blow on the embers, Jesus, Holy Spirit fire fall into my heart and burn brilliantly. i don't want to settle for where i am...ever. i want to want more of you, Jesus. my life is so dull without you. so dull and desperate. Jesus, you're welcome here.


"but the harder i try the more clearly can i feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all, and so this might could be the most impossible thing, your grandness in me, making me clean....you are holy, and i wanna be holy, like you, God..."

i always

think about the most important life stuff right before i go to sleep. this is what i've always done. kind of a debriefing before i travel to dreamland. i've never had a problem with this until now. 

so what in the world do i do? here i am, and my path has crossed with yours, and for now we seem to be in somewhat of the same place, walking together. but with many thoughts towards the future recently it has been unavoidable that i think about this....the fact that there may come a day in the not-so-distant future that the path will fork, and you and i will choose to go in different directions. this seems all too possible, honestly. it scares me. not because i'm not okay with going where i need to go. i just think that if by that point we're still in this thing, it's going to be really hard to let you go. i don't want the pain. i can't let my life get so intertwined with yours that it takes part of me if you and i split. gosh, i've seen that happen to enough people to know it's not pretty. it's happened to me, too, in different ways. and i feel deeply, more deeply than most. which is a beautiful thing at times but also quite a burden. saying goodbye is something i've never been good at. 

this probably seems so silly to you, irrational, unreasonable even. we just started, for heaven's sake, quit thinking about the end. i know, i know. what is wrong with me? maybe after years of things not working out, of people letting me down, of losing those i love most....well, after awhile anyone would be like me, i would suppose. maybe i should have kept my heart entirely to myself in the first place. but i like you, really i do. and things really are good (so why can't i just enjoy it? i know. i KNOW). and even if it does come to a painful goodbye, i believe it wouldn't have been wasted time. i guess, like always, i'm just scared. and i want that to be okay. i want it to be okay to be scared. i want that to be okay with you. please?

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."     - c.s. lewis 

two people

in two days have asked me if i'm going to seminary (as if i would know or something...ha). some days the future looms ominously in front of me like dark rain clouds, and i am certain that only disaster awaits me as graduation approaches ever more rapidly. other days i feel like i'm looking out over a vast horizon, where i cannot see far but what i can see looks intensely promising and brings me happy anticipation of all the places that my Love and i might go. 

so there you have it. lots of mixed emotions. or just emotions, period. but i am a girl, so that's not too surprising, i suppose ;)

i like where i am right now, but i know that i cannot stay there forever. or even for very long at all. but that doesn't mean i won't like the next place, and the next, and the next....

as long as Jesus goes with me i am fine. and He promised never to leave. so i am content. whatever the circumstances, i am content. 

no longer a doormat

i've graduated to the status of carpet, or perhaps a nice handtowel. 

i spoke up today. to two people, actually. and it wasn't terrible. it wasn't my favorite part of the day, it was slightly unpleasant, it did make me uncomfortable, i felt bad about saying what i had to say, it went against my very nature and all that i wanted to do.....but it wasn't terrible. 

my feelings about speaking up were confirmed in sunday school, when we watched rob bell's nooma video entitled "store." it was about how people deal with anger. afterwards we discussed it, and this girl who i never would have guessed would be anything like me said, "you know, i always let people do stuff that bothers me over and over and over and finally i can't take it anymore and i just blow up at them. but that's unfair, because i never tell them that it upsets me." wow. that's me right there. i've decided i for sure want to attempt to avoid that from here on out. certainly it will still happen, cause it's just my tendency to try to let things that aren't a big deal slide. but if it's something that truly bothers me, there's nothing wrong with calmly telling the other person that it does. especially if that will prevent future frustration and potential blow-ups. speaking up is the way to go for us mount vesuvius types. 

this is a small personal victory for me. i'm still uncertain about how the other person felt about what i said, yet i feel like i accomplished something regardless. so....

hooray! :) 

this break

needs to end promptly. i'm done with it. i'm bored. i need all my mc friends back. i need my roomie. i need the healthplex. i need my mission first babies. i need a normal schedule, normal sleeping hours, tuesday nights at the scones, the library, cups, chell-bell, gusgus, la, some neutral space to hang out in that's mine (and missy's of course).... and the list goes on and on.

spring semester is always so much better anyway...so i'm lookin forward to it. 

2008 was a very good year. very eventful. life-changing. i anticipate good things from 2009. i just have to stay focused. fix my heart on things above, not on earthly things.

and pray more. like i said. pray a LOT more.