so what in the world do i do? here i am, and my path has crossed with yours, and for now we seem to be in somewhat of the same place, walking together. but with many thoughts towards the future recently it has been unavoidable that i think about this....the fact that there may come a day in the not-so-distant future that the path will fork, and you and i will choose to go in different directions. this seems all too possible, honestly. it scares me. not because i'm not okay with going where i need to go. i just think that if by that point we're still in this thing, it's going to be really hard to let you go. i don't want the pain. i can't let my life get so intertwined with yours that it takes part of me if you and i split. gosh, i've seen that happen to enough people to know it's not pretty. it's happened to me, too, in different ways. and i feel deeply, more deeply than most. which is a beautiful thing at times but also quite a burden. saying goodbye is something i've never been good at.
this probably seems so silly to you, irrational, unreasonable even. we just started, for heaven's sake, quit thinking about the end. i know, i know. what is wrong with me? maybe after years of things not working out, of people letting me down, of losing those i love most....well, after awhile anyone would be like me, i would suppose. maybe i should have kept my heart entirely to myself in the first place. but i like you, really i do. and things really are good (so why can't i just enjoy it? i know. i KNOW). and even if it does come to a painful goodbye, i believe it wouldn't have been wasted time. i guess, like always, i'm just scared. and i want that to be okay. i want it to be okay to be scared. i want that to be okay with you. please?
"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." - c.s. lewis
1 comment:
i think your problem is one that everyone must face.
Lewis's quote is fascinating and I wish to know the context it was written. But I have a philosophy about what he wrote.
To keep your heart locked up is to kill it as well. How can you experience life without love. Through love we connect to people in a special way. A way that cannot be manipulated by anything else in the world.
God made us to love and just as he made us to love he also made us to lose. How else would we understand the significance of Gods love, an unfleeting love.
No matter if your affections are forced to draw to a conclusion be it today or months even years from now, you were allowed to love for a time. You were allowed to experience something that is so significant it defines the very God we serve. There's much more I want to say about this so I may blog about it, but we need to philosophize about life soon
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