mania at its finest.

Today (or rather, yesterday) was Thanksgiving. Holidays are always strangely sad to me. I can't help it, but I'm not the only one, either.

I have nearly accepted the fact that sleeping at normal hours is basically impossible for me. It is almost half past three and I'm still chugging away. I've scoured my entire room, balanced my checkbook, read some, taken a bubble bath, and begun an autobiography which will one day be nationally acclaimed as a New York Times bestseller. My stomach has been intensely growling for several hours but I've managed to ignore it. I'm on a roll.

This is my life now. I think I'm crazy.

in me you may have peace.

As I sit on my front porch, the air is perfectly cool, the crickets chirp and the wind rustles the leaves, and in spite of all the thoughts stirring in my head and the burdens heavy on my heart, I feel peace.

Peace because I know my life is headed towards something oh-so-good.

Peace because I know there is one who walks with me into the uncertainty of each day ahead, for he promised never to leave or forsake me.

Peace because I've seen enough to know that I can trust you with my life, my whole life.

Peace. Your peace surpasses all human understanding. And I think it really sets you apart from the rest. No one else can put me so at ease. This is real, right here.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid....I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - some of the greatest words of comfort ever spoken (John 14:27, 16:33)

precious faces.

I'm working on a photo album, a Christmas present for each of my girls at Mission First. Looking at all these pictures of their sweet faces is making me so very sad....I'm going to miss them so much. Here's a little preview:

Aren't they beautiful?? I wish I could pack them in my suitcase.

Come December 2nd, I'm going to be bawling like a baby. I stink at goodbyes.

love is messy sometimes.

I want to write about this now, so I never forget.

Tonight some of the college students and I loaded up some food and jackets and headed downtown. At the bus station I was surprised to see a lady I know fairly well, through my time working at We Will Go. She and her four kids were waiting for a van that comes to pick people up and take them to a nearby church gymnasium, where folks can find temporary shelter in the cold months. I was horrified to see some of her kids were walking around the bus station barefoot, and sent one of our students to get shoes for them right away. Long story short, we ended up at their apartment complex about an hour later, delivering the shoes. We came inside the apartment and my heart broke at all I saw. There was hardly any furniture, just a dingy couch and a table in the corner. Dirty clothes were everywhere, the floor was filthy, and the whole place smelled terrible due to William's bulging dirty diaper and another of the children, who was covered in his own urine. Their mom seemed to be in her own world, totally disconnected as we played with the kids and put the clean socks and new shoes on their feet. They were overjoyed. Finally I knelt down beside the couch to speak with Susanna. I asked her if there was anything more we could do. She told me she didn't really want to be in this situation, and promptly called her man into the house and quietly asserted the same. The level of his voice began to steadily rise as did my level of discomfort. I said nothing else until he left the room, then wrote down my number and told her to call if she needed anything, anything at all. I pray she does.

What broke my heart more than anything was realizing my deficit of love and selflessness. I watched as Bethany, a girl from our group, picked up the kid with the seriously dirty diaper and held him tight. He had come to me first, with arms extended, wanting to be held....and I didn't hold him, because I didn't want to get dirty. Watching her love them so fully was beautiful to me, and really convicting. I was ashamed of my own actions in light of hers.

I never want to fail at loving someone again, merely because I don't want to get messy.

I still have much to learn about Your love. I was truly humbled tonight...help me remember what I saw. Amen.

keep breathing.

"the storm is coming, but i don't mind. people are dying, i close my blinds. all that i know is i'm breathing now. i want to change the world - instead, i sleep. i want to believe in more than you and me. all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...." (ingrid michaelson)

these lyrics really resonate with me. they basically sum up what depression does to me. all the passion i have for life is overwhelmed by numb, and all i can do is keep breathing.

the past few days have been hard. i'm not going to lie. i've still made myself do things and be with people, but it has by no means been easy. the worst part about this is that i know those close to me suffer along with me. i try not to let it affect the way i act, but i spend most of my day trying to pretend like things are fine, and by the time i get around my real friends i'm exhausted of that.

for months now i've considered going to see a psychiatrist. counseling has helped a lot, but i still feel really out of control sometimes. but at this point it feels like it's too late. i leave in six weeks, which doesn't give enough time to even discern whether or not the medicine is right for me or working properly and all that. realizing this makes me feel trapped. i know God is going to take care of me, because he certainly has so far. i've just recently allowed myself the freedom in my mind to utilize the resources he's placed out there, though. but now i feel like medicine isn't much of an option, not before mexico.

last night i was restless. i tried laying outside in the cold listening to music and playing the piano at the church. i finally headed home but when i got there, instead of pulling in the driveway, i kept driving. and cried. i drove the long way to downtown jackson, then past all the places where i'd normally go to visit the homeless. i didn't see a soul. finally i found one man, camped on a bench at a covered bus stop. i parked my car down the street and walked to where he was. he had a grocery cart in front of him, probably to block the wind. i tried making conversation and offered him a blanket, which he refused with a mere shake of his head. despite all my attempts, he never said a word, just kept shaking his head. it's a bad night when not even the homeless will talk to you. finally i simply went home, completely out of tears and energy.

what a week.

i'm thankful that You get me.

Mexico bound.

I have five more after-school days with my kids at Mission First. After 2 and a half years working with them, it seems unreal. I love them so much more than I can say. I'm gonna miss those little boogers.

Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.

48 days 'til Mexico. I feel more ready than I ever have. Sure, it'll be difficult, probably in ways I would never anticipate. But after all I've been going through lately...bring it on.

God, thank you for blessing my life. I thank you that you love me enough to have prepared good works in advance for me to do! What an incredible thought, Lord! It's such an honor to work for you and with you. I can't wait to see what Mexico holds for me....what you hold for me there. I love you. Please help me to stay focused on you and to serve you well in these last days here. You are worthy of my best no matter where I am. You are good, oh Lord. Thank you for loving me....

Faithfulness.

So often in these situations, I want to quit. Throw in the towel. Give up completely. I replay in my mind time after time when I've been in the exact same moment, dealing with the same pain, the same disappointment. I wonder if it'll ever go away, or more importantly, if it's even worth waiting out to see. I feel desperate, and worse, I feel alone.

And every time, without fail, Jesus, you step in. You speak words of love to me. You remind me that you will never leave or forsake me. That you are the lifter of my head, and the strength of my life. That you are with me. That you will sustain me. That you hear me. That you care. That you are working things out, even though I may not see it just yet.

And that is more than enough for me.

For your faithfulness, Jesus, thank you. I absolutely adore you.

by grace through faith

Brother Phil's sermon this morning was such a beautiful reminder to me of some things God has been teaching me. In a nutshell: we cannot live lives pleasing to God in our own power; we must allow His power to work through us. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that it is only by God's grace we are saved, not by our own works, so that no one has any room to boast. By God's grace we received Christ. Paul writes in Colossians, "just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him." (Colossians 2:6) By grace through faith we received him. By grace through faith we walk with him daily, not striving in our own strength, but, as Paul writes, "struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." (Colossians 1:29)

Understanding this truth brings such freedom. It is not by any merit of my own, but only because of Christ in me, that I have the hope of glory. Legalism perishes, and I am left to follow Jesus with reckless abandon, by grace through faith.

The Lord will receive me.

Last night I nearly had a meltdown.

I won't go into all the details, but I was feeling neglected. I'm leaving the country in two months, and I've had almost no quality time with my family for a while. Tears were filling my eyes, and I started to turn the music up to blast out my own thoughts. Instead I turned it off completely, and began talking to God. I asked him, as I will admit I so often do, why? Why is my family broken like it is? Why couldn't things have worked out differently? And why do they seem to be steadily getting worse? This is hard, God.

A Scripture reference popped into my head, seemingly from thin air. Psalm 27:10. I had a sneaking suspicion of what it was, but I wasn't certain. I headed to the church's prayer room and opened my Bible. Yep.

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."

Amazing how God reminds me that He's there. Even when I feel like no one is - or when truly, no one is. He is my father. And He loves me. And even when those I love the most forsake me, He receives me with open arms. And puts new songs of joy in my heart. Thank you, Daddy!

My heart says seek His face, I will seek your face, I will seek your face. My desire is to be with you, in your dwelling place, in your dwelling place. You're my God....you're my God. I will not fear, my salvation is here. You are my light, you are the strength of my life.

No one reads this anyway.

So I suppose I can use the space how I want. Finally I have begun to admit, to myself and to others, that I am struggling with depression. I have been for a very long time, but have been in deep denial, due to my own pride and desire to maintain a healthy image in front of others, as well as a plethora of reasons I had contrived to explain away all of the sleepless nights, lost weight, lack of appetite, irritability, disinterest, inability to focus, and desire to do nothing except curl up under the covers in my purple bed and sleep.

Just for the record: depression is not prolonged sadness. It's not something that can be "fixed" with ice cream or hugs or shoe shopping, or a good night's rest (which can be pretty hard to come by when you're depressed, anyway). If it were that easy, then I would have already fixed it. I'm a fairly smart and resourceful girl. I just finished Sylvia Plath's the bell jar - which one of my friends informed me was not beneficial reading material for a depressed person - and her description of depression made so much sense to me. Depression is like being stifled, suffocated in stale air, 'til all one's life and breath and energy is gone. It's a heaviness under which even the simplest tasks can appear insurmountable.

God and I have been back and forth lately. I know he can do anything, he could merely speak one word in his infinite power and heal my mind completely, once and for all. And I asked him why he won't - to be completely transparent, I have begged and pleaded for him to do so - to which I received no response. I realize God has an amazing knack for taking our human pain, trials, and suffering, and turning them into something beautiful that brings glory to his name. This is a skill for which I have always admired him greatly. I just hate that he insists on doing it in my life at the present time (and I hate that it is most likely a roundabout answer to some prayer or another of my very own, one of those prayers for patience or something of the sort). I also realize that I should probably be a bit more mature by this point in my journey, and just endure this hardship I'm going through with grace and poise. Instead I find myself falling to pieces at every turn. I tend to be messy when it comes to these types of things. Knowing God, and knowing he knows this about me, that's probably even part of his master plan - if I'm constantly broken, I'm dependent on him in a way I wouldn't be otherwise. So although it's currently quite hard for me to muster up emotion, there has been a different kind of intimacy between us lately that could be the cause for true rejoicing.

In his sermon this morning, the guest pastor shared a story that spoke directly to me. A man fell into a deep cavern and was trapped there for several weeks without food or water before he was found and rescued. When asked in an interview how he held out for so long, alone in such darkness, he replied that he could see a tiny pinpoint of light at the top and it gave him hope. I immediately placed myself in that story, in the depths of a cavern with darkness closing in all around. Right now, all I can see is a speck of light high above - but it's there, and it's enough.

I'm not giving up.

i'm 22....

and just beginning to figure out who i am. which is funny, because some people seem to know all about me somehow. i had a long conversation with one of those people today, and it calmed my heart a little.

i am idealistic. because of this i have unrealistic expectations of myself. i set ridiculous goals and beat myself up when i can't reach them. i also always have to understand why...to see how all the pieces fit together to make the whole, to grasp why certain conclusions have been accepted instead of others. in every situation, i analyze and scrutinize and examine all the information before i'll even dare make a decision about it. even my risks are calculated.

for a while i've been discouraged because i haven't been disciplined or consistent enough in my walk with God. my friend challenged me to think about this: what is "enough?" i am not up to par in my spiritual life - by whose standards? faith by its very nature is a journey, a process...and you can't measure its progress in calculable, human terms. as much as i may want it to be, my faith is not and can never be a checklist. i need to relax a little, and view this as a relationship and not some formula i can solve - that way if i'm overlooking a variable it won't wreck my world when i find it later. i won't have to start from scratch every time i come to something that doesn't fit in my box.

i never really wanted to be one of those people. but i have been all along. go figure.

now what do i do?

walking just won't get it...

i'm running. if i can't walk then i'll crawl, and i'll get up if i fall, gotta get to where you are. i'm running, and i won't stop for nothing. it gets hard but it's worth it when it's you, Lord, that i want.

discipline

is something i don't have enough of, something that God has been speaking to me about big time lately. it's time for my life to be disciplined.

the analogies that the apostle paul used for the Christian life tell how important discipline is in the life of a believer - it's a race, and we are runners with a purpose and a prize in mind. it's a fight and we are not beating the air. it's a battle, the enemy is real and we must train and put on our full armor daily.

since i've started running more consistently, the running analogy has become more solid in my mind. every run is important when you're training - especially on the days when you don't feel like it, when you'd rather just skip it and sleep in. and if you skip it one day, it's easier to skip the next day, and the next, until before you know it, it's been weeks since your last run. in my life, i've found the same to be true of my time with the Lord. every day is important, and the days when i least feel like reading the word are the days when it's absolutely essential. and it's so easy to quit altogether after just one day slacking, and then weeks later wonder what went wrong.

not anymore. i'm ready for some serious spiritual training. let's go.

an update, finally.

it's been a long time. i haven't had words for much lately....

i have one week left of college, then graduation. it has started to sink in a little, and i have been mostly sad. not about the schoolwork, of course. but some of the people at mississippi college have become such a precious part of my life...and i'm going to basically be starting over as they move on to marriage, graduate school, and "big people" jobs. and after the summer, i'll be moving too - to another country!

as carrie kirk told me, "the only one that likes change is a wet infant." humorous and true. i hate change...but it's time, and it's going to be good.

i'm looking forward to this summer....no obligations other than work, lots of time with the people who live around here, lots of reading, running, and playing :) and rest. i can't wait.

for now, it's time to focus. finish strong.

kids say the darndest things.

it's amazing how a 20-minute run can change my whole outlook on life. lack of exercise has probably been a contributing factor to my crappy mood this week. apparently i need those endorphins more than i thought.

the expressions of kindness and love that have been shown to me over the past week are incredible. and an answer to prayer. things are still difficult but these people are a great help....i wish they could know how much.

today i am also thankful for one of my favorite kids on the planet, aj. he's gotten in the habit of coming up to me every afternoon, giving me a hug, looking up at me with those big brown eyes, and saying, "got any money?" to which i always respond, "no, i'm sorry aj. do you still love me?" his answer melts my heart. "of course!" and today he added, "why don't you got no money?" when i informed him i was "broke as a joke," he laughed and laughed like it was the best joke he'd ever heard. made my day.

i. love. that. child.

and i have the greatest job ever. end of story.

outstretched hands

Could I talk to You? Are You listening?

Would You let me ask the questions that burn inside of me?
I am reaching out, I am holding on
Feel like one of Your affections

but not quite like I belong

I am numb today, everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny, too little to be sure
Like a prodigal, like a distant son
I can see You from a distance
But I'm too ashamed to come

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand

I am scared to fall, scared to carry on
Am I losing to the cynic after running for so long?
There's a child in me, lost in mystery
But it's buried underneath the earth
Longing to be free

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand

ooh wee

today was crazy long. overslept and was in a huge rush. parked in the closest lot so i could make it to my 8 o'clock, and of course got a ticket. went to class and bombed a quiz. went to tutor and had nothing prepared for my tutees. went to work and had a ton of volunteers, in front of whom four of my kids acted up in extraordinary fashion and had to be disciplined big time. went to bible club and felt like i was in another world the whole time. and then finally, went to our college night and was probably an incredible hindrance to all intelligent discussion....then ended up wandering around downtown jackson, ran into a man named raymond, and ended up getting him some food and a place to stay for the night. finally, at the very end of my day, i found my purpose in it. so this day was not a total waste. thank God.

in other news, i'm really enjoying my new camera and trying to use it everyday. here's a few shots from today:

spring is nearly here! i have proof!! :)

this was his "your joke isn't funny and makes no sense" face. i love it. what a great kid. a little bit unruly, but great nonetheless.

there you have it. my day. and now, at long last, goodnight.

sabbath

a day of rest. sundays really are that to me again, and it feels so nice. this afternoon i wasn't sleepy, and the weather was delightful, so i grabbed my camera, hopped on my sister's bike, and went for a ride. what an enjoyable afternoon. i got to practice taking photos AND soak up some sun.

it was a nice day.

well,

i feel better. nothing like an evening out with my favorite mission first girl to get my spirits up :) what a pleasant friday night.

the night before, thursday, i went with some folks from our college ministry to share about Jesus with complete strangers at belhaven....which was quite nerve-wracking at first, i must say. when i get nervous, i either get very quiet or extremely silly. thursday i was giggling like crazy and threatening ledge that i was going to run away. but i didn't, and i got to chat with some cool people. although apparently i have a skill for picking out people who are already Christians. but it was good to face that fear and just go "cold turkey." i think my faith needed that.

i think i'm starting to see the light. or at least....i feel lighter today.

it's saturday night. time to get out and see the world! goodbyeeeeeeee

urgh.

even though i knew what the answer would be, i asked it anyway. stupid me. stupid, stupid, stupid me. grrr i am angry!!!

okay....vent over. deep breaths. moving on with my life.

this mission trip is coming together, for better or for worse. i am terribly unorganized so i'm thankful for others who have been helping me along the way. i don't know exactly who will end up coming on the trip, but whoever they may be, i pray that it will be a meaningful experience for them.

i feel so inadequate most all the time. today especially.

i think i just need a friend.

we've gotten the israelites out of egypt....and we're pressing onward, hopefully with breakneck speed. this WILL be accomplished. i've never been so determined about a thing in my life.

time to make it happen. peace OUT.

keep breathing.

what if people were like cartoon characters, and we always wore the same outfit? i think i would really enjoy that. it would make my life a lot easier, at least.

i had a good talk with some guys in new mens 219 tonight. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who struggles with doubt, skepticism, and questions. it's nice to hear honest reflections from real people who've been there. it's nice to speak freely and not be judged. everything about tonight was nice.

this is difficult. it's frustrating. it's confusing. but i think it's good for me. we shall see.

thank you ingrid michaelson for summing things up for me so well sometimes. your lyrics amaze me.

The storm is coming, but I don't mind; people are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep, I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing....

:)

today my day has been brightened by a complete stranger with a lot of pizzaz....if you are reading this, you gotta check out color me katie's blog, i promise it will bring a smile to your face! her creativity and enthusiasm for life inspire me :) i am going to do my own fun project this weekend...we'll see what happens!

i am ready for spring. may 8th, to be specific. graduation, how i long for you...the day when tests, classes, papers will be over - temporarily, at least.

i need some organization in my life. for real.

and a vacation.

spanish test in the morning....buenas noches!! :)

questions with no answers.

i love kids. they say the most hilarious things. last night at Bible club the kids were going to act out the story of Jesus walking on water, and two of the boys were fighting over who would be Jesus. at one point in the argument, xay exclaimed, "no, I'M Jesus, ya big dummy!!" oh my....so great. i love it.

a bunch of other stuff happened yesterday, but it's all big blur in my mind.

i think i have come to something that every Christian must face, a place of challenging what one believes and trying to make sense of all of it. i realized last week that i have never for a minute been outside the church, and yes, Christianity makes sense to me, but it's what i've always known. i don't have a deep understanding of many things about my faith, and i don't have answers to questions that someone outside the faith who is genuinely seeking might ask. this makes me a little angry, that i am 22 and just now deciding this is important. i find myself frustrated with the fact that i don't know, that i can't answer everything. last night ledge encouraged me to not be so upset with not knowing, that questions are good, but answers take time. i know he's right.

it's hard to continue serving right now. i feel my feeble faith has nothing to offer those around me....but i am in a position to lead, so i must lead. the emotions that accompany this are worse than the questions themselves. i feel angry, like i said, and also guilty, because i want to love God but right now i don't feel i even know Him.

this is far from over. i'm too far in to get out now.

how in the world

did i end up with so much stuff in my life? possessions, that is. moving back home has made me realize that i have WAY too much. the next few weeks (maybe months!) i will be cleaning out some of this nonsense, and giving it new homes. i wish it would migrate elsewhere on its own....

i am just spoiled. end of story.

today was the 5k....i finished right at 36 minutes. not remarkable by any means, but who's counting? i got free chapstick and chick-fil-a coupons - be jealous. and it was really fun to see hannah today and to do this together. i'm lookin forward to running lots of races with her in the future (although, technically we didn't run it together, as she finished in 28 minutes...ha).

this is the shallow account of my day. other things are on my mind, but they're still in progress. so for now....goodnight :)

whataday

bad news first, cause that's how we roll. i think my mac got stolen today. there was a nice chunk of time in which it sat in the trunk of my car while i was downtown, and now it's nowhere to be found....but i'm crossing my fingers that maybe, just maybe, i misplaced it at school and that some honest guy or gal turned it in. after all, a Christian university, right? i'm not holding my breath, though. and i'm trying to maintain the perspective that it's just a thing. not the end of the world. happens everyday....and today might've just been my day. life goes on.

okay, on to more positive things. the weather was absolutely marvelous today. i had some of the best gumbo i've ever had in my life for lunch, made by mission first's very own lee thigpen - it was delicious! i had dinner with my dear friend josh and we talked about life for the first time in a long while, which was nice. and then i went to rachelle's and played apples to apples with the crew, during which i laughed so hard i cried and thought i might puke. the seratonin levels in my brain are currently off the charts. so all in all, a delightful day. the good outweighs the bad here, i would say.

tomorrow morning i'm running my first 5k ever. i'm nervous, and i'll probably be the deadest dead last, staggering across the finish line, but everyone's got to start somewhere, right? i'll feel good just knowing i did it. so here goes nothing.

sleepy time.

oh, buddy.

my thoughts have certainly been stirred up as of late. i am genuinely having trouble processing all these new ideas. but the challenge to my faith has been enjoyable, and i realize it's crucial to question beliefs that i have blindly held for so long....in my opinion, only good can come from all this thinking. in the end, i will hopefully have my own well-developed and sound viewpoints on some of this stuff. for now, i am searching.

lent began yesterday, and as i prayed about what i might give up during these 40 days the Lord revealed to me how i fill every bit of silence with music. i must admit, i am a little obsessed with music. so for lent, i am giving up listening to music in my car. instead i'm gonna try to spend that time talking to Jesus....and that has already proven to be a challenge. i spend a good deal of time in my car since i commute to school (30 mins each way) and also have to drive to jackson to go to work (which factors in another 30 mins or so). so in the two days of lent so far, i have realized that, sadly, i have little to say to God. i know that prayer is not all about me babbling at God, and that silence is significant for allowing God to speak to me. but i'm admitting that there have been times of awkward silence....which means our relationship isn't at all where i want it to be yet. also, it's hard to keep my mind focused on the Lord. once i quit praying aloud, i found my thoughts wandering every which way, which in a sense defeats the purpose. this is going to take some serious mental discipline.

the cool thing about lent this year is that it ends on easter, which just so happens to also be my birthday. so the day of celebration that completes the season of lent will be even more meaningful this year :)

i don't want to be a square. i want my mind to be free and open to new ideas, new thoughts, and people that are different from myself. i don't ever want to come across as arrogant, or self-righteous, or judgmental, or negative or rude. i want to be gracious and loving and kind and caring and interested in everyone, whether we agree or disagree.

and i think it's time to meet more people with whom i disagree. it's just time.

"miss betsey, you look miserable,"

said one of my cheerleaders last night. that was because i decided it would be a good idea to run a couple of miles right before two hours of practice. worst idea ever. i'm sure she was right....i probably looked like i was undergoing torture. ha.

it's amazing that it's already wednesday. every week seems to be rolling by in similar fashion, no slowing down, just barreling past. less than three months til graduation? i don't believe it!

monday night was refreshing for my soul....hanging out with those two boys is always a joy and a comfort. i am so thankful for josh and jay :)

in fact, it turns out i have a LOT to be thankful for. so for that i say -- thank you, Lord!!

nope....nuns are way nicer.

so this valentine's day was full of unexpected surprises....my favorite of all having to be the beautiful yellow roses grace's daddy brought me. i love gary mayor. his thoughtfulness made my day...and yellow roses are my fave!

we also went to the rodeo....nuff said.

this weekend, upon reflecting on God's love, something finally made sense to me. God doesn't love because he's loving, he loves because He is love. love is the very essence of who he is, his very nature. he loves us because he can't help but love us....it was in his love that he created me. so in spite of all i may do that is undeserving of his love, and despite the fact that many times i wouldn't blame him if he were to stop loving me....he loves me. because HE IS LOVE. wow.

so, what do you do when someone turns out to be the opposite of everything they claim? sometimes, this happens and you really wish it hadn't been that way...cause when you finally quit being cynical and put your trust in someone again, it sucks to once again be disappointed.

i'm just losing my faith in humanity.

ya feel me?

sorry i'm so boring.

the ladies' day was beautiful. only about 7 or 8 ladies came....but i think they were just the ones who needed to be there. i'm really glad mom got to be there with me, too. i got to share the devotional - talked about romans 5:8 and God's unconditional love for us...that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. a lot of the ladies really opened up and shared, and i think it was a special time for everyone. it was so much fun to get to pamper these sweet women and really demonstrate our love, and the love of Christ, for them. sarah lancaster did the ladies' nails, and mary margaret and her friend sarah came and made journals with us. they are going to be transforming one of the upstairs apartments at the faith house into an art studio and teaching lessons for free downtown...and mary margaret wants me to come take some photos! i am really excited about helping her with that in the days to come :)

we picked out a paint color for my room. i think this is going to be a fun project for me and my mom. we've already been spending so much more time together since i've been home and i absolutely love it. we also went to bath junkie this evening (one of the greatest stores on earth, you customize your own bath products with the scent and color you want)....so of course i took a bath as soon as i got home, and it was divine. have i mentioned i love being home? cause i really do.

i hope my posts don't get boring now that i am writing more....but i have a feeling some of them will be.....i mean they are about my life....

i miss james. a lot.

reading time!!

snow day

was wonderful. a much needed respite. although after my sick day yesterday, this is adding up to be a 4-day weekend - monday's gonna be tough!

i'm reading they like Jesus but not the church for my ministry class, and it is truly challenging me. we actually only had to read certain chapters for our group projects, but i enjoyed what i was assigned so much that i went back to start from the very beginning. first of all, i've come to the sobering realization that i have very few friends outside the church, or the "Christian subculture" as kimball describes it. i've also realized that oftentimes i'm just plain selfish. self-centered. i don't want to be that way anymore. i need to slow down and take every opportunity to befriend folks along the way. this book has made me step back and say - whoah. it could be that i am part of the problem - and at first that really sucked to admit. but it's already been so liberating. i'm ready to make some changes...and dan kimball is giving me a good idea of what those changes might look like.

in other scholastic news, we had to do projects on different books of the pentateuch in my class on, you guessed it, the pentateuch. although i prayed against it, my group got assigned leviticus. i was shocked, however, when i found myself actually enjoying the research for the project....i truly learned a great deal (more than i even needed for the presentation!) and it feels good to finally have conquered the one book of the Bible that i never before cared to read. as callie (one of my group members) said, "you know, now i might actually read leviticus again sometime....before i die."

well, i am really enjoying being facebook-free. it has given me time to do other things - like write on this blog. which is probably equally trivial. but i feel this has a bit more purpose to it, perhaps. either way, not having facebook is great for me...i think i'm done forever.

on that note, this day needs to be done. early morning tomorrow -- we are having our ladies' luncheon for the homeless women downtown and i need to get things together for it beforehand. i pray that they experience God's deep love for them in a tangible way.

buenas noches, mis amigos...(si alguien esta leyendo?)

outside

the snowing is falling...it just started a bit ago. supposedly we're going to get 4-6 inches, but i'll believe it when i see it. i have been inside all day as i woke up this morning feeling extremely under the weather (and how sad to be under this weather!)....i am hoping that classes will indeed be cancelled, or at least that enough snow will fall to make it reasonable/excusable for me to not commute to campus. i made preparations for a long day inside by renting movies and getting milk (to go with the cookies i plan to bake, yeah yeah). even though i slept a ton today i think i'm about to do that some more.

i just have to say that it is really nice to be living at home again.

i have time to rest and room to breathe....it feels good.

sunday afternooon i am preparing to take my first sunday afternoon nap in 1 year and 8 months.....it's going to be glorious!! :) sunday will be sabbath once again. i love it.

for now, that is all....goodnight little world.

comforting words.

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come down,

even if to write upon my heart

to remind me who You are.

i want to be in love.

i want my heart to be completely and totally his. i want to be passionate and longing for him and none other. i want to be swept away in his arms.

but there is another. i gave my heart to him and together we broke it....and still it lies in shambles, limp within my chest, aching with each faint beat.

oh God, can you make it whole again? give me a new heart, one capable of loving you how i long to. i'm terrified in saying i've spent all this time serving you, yet i don't know who you are. but i do believe you are good, and your love endures forever. so please, put a little bit of that forever love in me. without you i have nothing to give you. with your help i give all. help me, Jesus. help me, please.

i think we're going somewhere, we're on to something good here. we're gonna make it after all.