love is messy sometimes.

I want to write about this now, so I never forget.

Tonight some of the college students and I loaded up some food and jackets and headed downtown. At the bus station I was surprised to see a lady I know fairly well, through my time working at We Will Go. She and her four kids were waiting for a van that comes to pick people up and take them to a nearby church gymnasium, where folks can find temporary shelter in the cold months. I was horrified to see some of her kids were walking around the bus station barefoot, and sent one of our students to get shoes for them right away. Long story short, we ended up at their apartment complex about an hour later, delivering the shoes. We came inside the apartment and my heart broke at all I saw. There was hardly any furniture, just a dingy couch and a table in the corner. Dirty clothes were everywhere, the floor was filthy, and the whole place smelled terrible due to William's bulging dirty diaper and another of the children, who was covered in his own urine. Their mom seemed to be in her own world, totally disconnected as we played with the kids and put the clean socks and new shoes on their feet. They were overjoyed. Finally I knelt down beside the couch to speak with Susanna. I asked her if there was anything more we could do. She told me she didn't really want to be in this situation, and promptly called her man into the house and quietly asserted the same. The level of his voice began to steadily rise as did my level of discomfort. I said nothing else until he left the room, then wrote down my number and told her to call if she needed anything, anything at all. I pray she does.

What broke my heart more than anything was realizing my deficit of love and selflessness. I watched as Bethany, a girl from our group, picked up the kid with the seriously dirty diaper and held him tight. He had come to me first, with arms extended, wanting to be held....and I didn't hold him, because I didn't want to get dirty. Watching her love them so fully was beautiful to me, and really convicting. I was ashamed of my own actions in light of hers.

I never want to fail at loving someone again, merely because I don't want to get messy.

I still have much to learn about Your love. I was truly humbled tonight...help me remember what I saw. Amen.