hate my father and mother?

i don't, but i'm beginning to see how this might work. maybe it's just that they think i do. maybe this is what i surrendered to - a life of my family not understanding why i choose this over them.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26-27

i want to know what Jesus meant when He said this. what He really, actually meant.

show me, God.

this crazy adventure called life

is taking me to mozambique, africa in less than two months. i still can't believe it.

i want to be obedient, Lord. but You know i'm scared. i'm so glad i have you to lean on. help me in my unbelief.

i said yes. now i need You to provide. i know You will, You always have.

help me, God!

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

i've never believed that more than i do now.

:)

this week, complete with a million things to do that maybe should have stressed me out, has made me pretty happy.

i like how this is going.

honestly okay.

i wish it bothered you. but so far, nothing. and that hurts a little. 

i've been praying frequently. i don't want to be bitter. when i realized that my anger had actually begun to form itself into hate, i was scared. hating someone is not something i want to do. i don't care who they are or what they did. hate is not from God. 

every day it gets easier. i realize that i feel better now. i need to spend time with people who value me, and i have been. part of me wanted so much for you to be one of those people. but if you're not, you're not. and you're not. 

it's hard to let go. but it's right. so i have, almost completely now. it's a process. 

i think what is so hard is the recent realization that my true friends at mc are few and far between. i have few enough that i can count them on my fingers (probably of one hand). and i considered you one of those. i didn't want to let go because then i'd have even less. but my perspective was skewed. 

God, send me encouragement when i feel alone. help me to lean on You, Jesus, to press into You. You will never leave or forsake me. i believe that. God, fill my heart with Your love and also with your wisdom. continue to guide me with all my relationships and give me clarity as to what your will is. God, rip out the bitter root and plant a seed of Your truth that will bear fruits of Your Spirit. You are beautiful, Jesus, and  i want my heart to look like Yours.

"let's pretend we're paleontologists!"

i love kids. babysitting always confirms just how much. sometimes the kids at work or the kids i keep can be a handful, but they say the funniest things. (like aj last week after a "bad behavior" day..."well miss b, thanks for putting up with us today!") and i just love having the chance to teach them something. be it as simple as - isn't the world beautiful? do you know that God made the whole world, even you and me!?

i love that.

so God gave me this plan for the kindergarteners at work. we will learn, on average, one new verse a week. last week we spent every day talking about Psalm 19:14 and what it means : "may the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to You, oh God." and i was amazed when, on the second day of saying it together, rashard started spouting it off for memory during homework time. it's so beautiful to see these kids learning Scripture, and just getting to talk to them about what it means. about letting the things we say and the things we think make God happy :) i really want those things to grow for them, to just take root in their hearts and to blossom as they realize what following Jesus is all about. these kids are the future, you know?

having said all this, i'm worried about teaching in public school. it's going to be hard for me to NOT slip this kind of thing into my lessons. my desire to teach these kids about the Lord is overridden by laws that say i'm infringing on their rights if i do so. yeah. that's gonna be hard. i really feel like God is calling me to teach in inner city Jackson for a season, and eventually to go overseas to teach. public school is where i'm feeling led. public school is gonna be hard for me. but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

i can't wait to adopt some beautiful children into my family as my own. i used to think it was dumb when people said things like - "i just know i was meant to be a mom." but now i could say the same thing. i AM a mom inside. truth. my own mother confirmed this the other day when she said at sunday lunch - "betsey, i think you'll be a really good mom." i couldn't have been happier.

anyways...time to stop before i get too excited.

i love kids. so much. i learn so much from them. what a precious gift. thank you, Jesus.

life comes at you fast

yep. sure does.

i'm trying not to feel in over my head with school. compared to my 21-hour semester in the spring, this semester is cake. truly. i'm also trying not to feel directionless, still, after two whole years of being in college. as far as being sure goes, i'm more sure now about being a teacher than i have been about anything else. but that doesn't mean i'm positive. i have a lot of doubts.

what is it with doubt? i think i think too much. i doubt virtually everything in my life these days. everything. i guess that's better than the alternative - simply accepting everything and being overly passive, and letting things get past me and being driven by others. but still. doubt is tiring. it can really drain a person.

on a different note...

my faith has grown a lot. i've realized a lot of hard things about myself and others. about the state of things these days. things that grieve me.

about myself - i've realized how capable i am of not being the person i want to be. how much of a struggle it is to obey the Lord, to really follow Christ. how sinful my flesh is. how much i need God. how easy it is to forget how much i need God. how unworthy i am, and how prideful i can be sometimes to actually believe that i have some merit, some good in and of myself. how anything good in me is there because God put it there. how hard it is for me to truly love others sometimes. how lazy and complacent i can be if i let up for even a day. how much, how much, how much i need Him.

about others - i've realized people are not what you think they are. i already knew this but the depth of it is shocking (for example, a friend that i went on a mission trip with being arrested for embezzling $100,000 - shocking). i've also realized how much most people hate the truth. how resistant we can be to hearing it and accepting it as true. how most of us dislike vulnerability and feeling weak. how much others struggle with the exact same things i do, and how much we could help each other if we simply started being real.

about the state of things - i've realized that the world, even my little world at MC - a Christian university, is full of darkness. i've realized that it's impossible to change people, to change situtations. how much the world needs Jesus, because only He can. how much we need to fall on our faces before Him and repent and beg for Him to move. no other answer, be it humanitarian or political or social or whatever, will ever solve anything. only Jesus is the way, truth and life. only He seeks and saves what is lost. i've realized that my disappointment in the church (by church i mean Christianity as a whole) does not, in fact, help the church one bit. how i need to ask Him for wisdom because He will give it generously, and then i will know His will and can act accordingly. how the church really just needs a dose of the for-real-in-your-face-loving-judging-living-breathing-spring of life-redeeming-suffering-holy-humble-healing Jesus. and i can't give them that. He can.

and that's comforting. i choose to cast out the discouragement of satan from my life in the name of Jesus Christ. i refuse to be a defeated, trampled, run down, crushed, despairing Christian. Jesus died for something much more.

i love you, God. thank you.

i am hard pressed on every side

but not crushed. perplexed, but not in despair. persecuted, but not abandoned. struck down, but not destroyed.

although...i do feel in despair. suddenly it seized me tonight. i feel alone.

i just truly don't have a lot of real friends.

i knew this already. so why is it bothering me so?

pretty soon i'll be needing false teeth

technology gets on my nerves sometimes. i must be a bit of a hypocrite because obviously i'm sitting at a computer typing this.

orgsync just boils my blood. what happened to the good ole days where we could take attendance in person, on a piece of paper? what is so wrong with that? but nooooo, we have to make things more complicated. the thing is though, it's not THAT complicated, people. i do NOT believe that any freshmen have less free time than i do, that they truly do not have five minutes where they can get on their computer, or someone's, and simply register. i just know that they're all gonna act like it's my fault when they don't get chapel credit. but hey, i sent like 3 emails with directions, not to mention reminding them in group and through text. i do NOT feel sorry for them. simply irritated. i mean, this is beyond ridiculous at this point.

whew. i'm okay now. just needed to get that off my chest.

anyways....

i feel old. saturday night i studied, and did laundry, and for fun laura and i painted. we're really getting wild and crazy with the college life here. yeah.

the thing is, it doesn't bother me. at all. i see people going out and doing stuff, and i think - wow, hope they have fun. i think i'd like to have a nice cup of tea and listen to chopin and read and relax. wherever they're going would probably wear me out. i'm glad we have this nice comfy couch......

maybe it's just what being one step closer to adulthood looks like.

now THAT might bother me. it might just terrify me. yes.

people...

oh, people. how i love you. how i long for you. how you frustrate me. you know the truth - walk in it. you have been freed - don't be yoked again by the chains of slavery! you have tasted and seen - how could you possibly go back?

sometimes you don't understand the ways i love you. since i love you, i can't watch you living this way. it hurts me. i want what's best for you. sometimes i have to make things difficult, i have to speak the truth (in love) over you, even when it's not what you want to hear. and despite the fact that this causes you to avoid me, to hate me, to become angry with me, to speak out against me - i do it anyway. because i'm not afraid of losing you. there is no fear in love. and i love you.

this love is patient. it bears all things. but it doesn't mind being overwhelming sometimes.

so maybe

he's right. heck if i know. and i'm not sure whether i hope so, or hope not. ah, the confusion! life is complicated. i wish i could just cut out the part of my brain that is concerned with romantic relationships altogether. temporarily at least. then i could have some peace.

i'm sorry but it's getting to be that "time," according to narrow-minded people at mississippi college. i'm a junior, hopefully fairly near to graduation. and then what? of course i want to be a mom one of these days, and i wouldn't mind it being sooner rather than later. i love kids, i want to adopt quite a few into a family. my family. which so far is incredibly non-existent....

this sounds silly. i'm being ridiculous here. God doesn't work on any kind of human time frame or schedule. i want to eliminate that sort of thinking. i want to trust Him and believe wholeheartedly in His will, in His divine workings, His perfect plan.

and to the outsider looking in, i am patiently waiting.

but as i explained to him earlier....it only appears that way because i haven't had opportunity come a-knockin' yet. and i'm scared of what might have happened if it had. or what might happen if it does. i'm afraid that i'll be so ready for something, anything, that that's exactly what i might settle for. i'm so afraid.

i've also recently realized that in the past, i've been attracted to guys that i can fix. ones that i see some flaw in, something that i can improve upon. basically, a guy i think needs me for some reason or another. now if that's not dysfunctional i'm not sure what is. normal people are out looking for mr perfect, and here i am, apparently on this quest for mr needs-some-work. the question is: why is that? wow. i couldn't tell you. i just know it's true.

where am i right now? so scared of myself that i could never make any kind of relationship work. i think i push people away. subtly. in ways that most people don't understand. in ways i don't even understand. i push them away while seemingly trying to draw them closer. it's toxic.

i think i've said too much. it's time for bed. but thanks alot, you, cause now my wheels are turning. and i don't like what's stirring up here.

God, help me. really. just help me. a lot. i need you so much.

"raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then i'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully i'll run to You...i'm alive and i'll sing..................."

in your anger...

...do not sin.

truth spoken over my life by someone who hardly knows me. met her at lunch today. i feel like she's already gotten to the heart of the matter....which blew me away. i'm positive she's real. how refreshing.

so i can't walk away from this. i'm beginning to see that this is what God wants from me. it's just never been this hard before. i don't want to be the one for this job, God. why, Lord? it's painful. i'm tired of hurting.

amy would say that Jesus hurts every day. weeps every day. has a broken heart every day.

and if i'm getting to know His heart, then i should be hurting, weeping, and brokenhearted also.

it's often easy to focus so much on the joy that comes from walking with the Lord that i convince myself that's all there is. whenever i get to that point, though, i'm not really walking with my Jesus. this faith He requires of me is heart-wrenching, knee-buckling, stomach-turning, consuming my whole life.

God answered some major prayers today. i am so amazed. PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!

keep working, Jesus, for your glory and no one else's. Jesus just move, Holy Spirit blow and ignite the fire and consume all that isn't You and leave us all burning, God, burning for You. make it impossible to live without You. God i want to pant for you like a deer pants for water. Jesus you are amazing. i stand in awe of You more every day. You blow me away. oh, Jesus, no words could express....i'm overcome....

only pretty sure.

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.
Before you take a swing, I wonder - what are we fighting for?
When I say out loud I wanna get out of this
I wonder is there anything I'm gonna miss....
I wonder - How's it gonna be when you don't know me?
How's it gonna be when you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be when there's no one to talk to
between you and me - cause I don't care
how's it gonna be?