grrr

that's about all i have to say right now. 

and that i'm grateful to have a heavenly Father who listens to all my frustrations. and He understands me because He made me. what a relief. my one constant comfort and joy. Jesus. 

it's time

for me to stop being such a clam and SPEAK UP. to a lot of people. i don't think they're ready. i've said nothing about so many things for so long that no one is going to expect this. i have no idea what the response will be. and i don't know that i care anymore. 

i want to be done with being so afraid. God, i'm sorry, i feel like we've talked about this so much. we've beat it into the ground. fear, fear, fear. why so much fear? i don't know either, Daddy. i just know that it takes over so many times. maybe that's one of those things that i have to keep surrendering again and again. i'm weary of this, though. 

can't i just be done with this?!? 

i think way too much

about way too many things. i'm surprised my head hasn't exploded by this point in my life. it gets me in trouble though....over-analysis, tearing apart and reconstructing every little word in my mind, playing it again and again. that can't be healthy. but i know i'm not the only one. and i can't help it, really. it would be nice to be able to simply exist. at least for a day or two. 

Christmas is over and i can't help but be happy. and soon enough i'll be going back to school and honestly, i'm happy with that too. at least at the dorm i have some level of stability and control over my own life. i never really know what to expect with my family. especially now. 

i'm trying not to close people out with this...especially j. i'm learning that i do that so much. i keep everything to myself. it frustrates me. i just can't open up the way i want to, the way i really need to.....

it'll get better, though. 

i don't know why

but i haven't said very much about africa. i want to talk about it...but i don't really know what it is i need to say. 

i checked my email on Christmas eve and had one from jared...he wanted me to know that he and andrea had taken mr watson to ali, and that he got a picture of them together and was sending it to me. i think that was the best Christmas present i got this year. 

where am i going? i have no idea where i'll end up. the possibilities truly are limitless. sometimes when i think about it i want more direction...then i remember just how God has guided me to this point and how He's worked everything out so far. i'm resting in Him. but it's natural to want to know. i look at people like clinton who've felt a calling to a certain country for a long time. and here he is, after years of seeking the Lord and working towards that goal, and he's going there to live. i don't have that particular calling...yet. everywhere i've been on mission trips to i could see myself living. i just don't know. could be latvia, mexico, greece, mozambique....or somewhere completely different. could be jackson. whew. i think that's the hardest one to swallow. i love jackson but it'd be easier to leave it.....

my hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness. i dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name. on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

truth. 

Christmas break is the stuff. i am thoroughly enjoying it. i only wish la and miss lived closer :( but visits will take place i am sure....soon and very soon. 

so this whole moving downtown thing is materializing rapidly. i'm excited but also have some apprehensions, some doubts. it is so obvious to me that this is where God is leading me, i'm sure, surer than i am about anything else. am i ready though? spiritually, that is. the battle is real on congress street, there's no playing around about it. at mc i can ignore it if i want....downtown i don't have that option. i need to pray more...i have a feeling, though, that no amount of "preparation" will get me ready for everything i'll face. dependence on the Lord will be a given. but i'm good with that. He's faithful. He's the best Daddy in the world. 

my life is so different than how i predicted. praise God :) what a miracle. 

praise the Lord

- exams are over
- i'm home, with my very own space...mmm....peace
- i get to sleep semi-late for a few weeks
- i have a really sweet boyfriend :) (that still sounds weird but i'm getting used to it)
- i can do some reading for fun over the break...get excited!
- i'm alive, and life is pretty good

a few things i'm happy about right now. now i must go brave the ridiculous Christmastime traffic to take care of a few last Christmas presents. i'm trying not to be frustrated with Christmas this year. i mean, i've been like that for two years....it's time to try to enjoy it again. it's just so hard. things haven't been the same and never will be...and now even more things are changing with my mom's new friend and all...i don't think i handle change all that well. i need to pray more. yep.

"here we are...

...we got to the best part, where the strings come in and you melt my heart all over again...."

so i really like this. really. in case anyone may be wondering - i am happy.

God is so good. the story of my life just keeps getting better and better. everything's coming together. He's pulling me in. deep unto deep. wow i love Him. i definitely don't show it enough, still. that hurts my heart. i long for Him to know how much i love Him...and i want to love Him so much more....always more....

it's a battle. a literal battle with myself. my heart says, spend time with your Father. and my mind says, you have so much schoolwork to take care of, you don't have time. or any other number of lame excuses....i'm understanding more and more what paul was talking about when he said that the things he wants to do he doesn't do, and the things he doesn't want to do he does. that makes such perfect sense. i hate it. but - Christ already gave me victory. i need to walk in His freedom, walk in His liberty...dance in His freedom, dance in His liberty...cause it is for freedom He set us free! and I'M FREE.

You are the only one i need, i bow all of me at Your feet, i worship You alone
You have given me more than i could ever have wanted and i want to give You my heart and my soul