dear so and so....

I wanted to write and share with you all the things God has been doing in my life since I last wrote. First I want to thank you for your incredible love and support, and especially your prayers. Because you prayed earnestly, our trip to Greece was a success. Our group of about thirty from First Baptist Clinton joined thirty other college students from across the United States in Athens for a weeklong World Changers project. I was assigned to the team doing ministry in the gypsy camp, and what a blessing that was! The children were absolutely gorgeous and we had the opportunity to share with them all week the beautiful message of God’s love for them. Although I went give to these kids, I received so much from them, as they lavished us with hugs and kisses every single day. The missionaries shared with us the change that had gradually been taking place in the gypsies as the missionaries continued to show love to them, day after day. These people who were once only greedy, suspicious, and hard-hearted towards the gospel were beginning to soften. God’s love changes hearts, and I got to see this firsthand in Greece.

At the beginning of this summer I began to pray about how the Lord wanted me to spend the rest of my time at Mississippi College. I had reached a point where I knew God wanted more from me, and I wanted to be used by Him. As I prayed, I clearly heard the Lord say He wanted me to live and serve in downtown Jackson. This was a huge revelation! I continued to pray and the Lord led me to Amy and David Lancaster. The Lancasters felt God’s call to Jackson four years ago, moved, and began loving their neighbors and preaching the word downtown. I became involved with this ministry, We Will Go, and the Lord absolutely broke my heart for the people of Jackson. There is so much hurt, so much need, and only Jesus can heal! The Lord began to show me what He can do when we are truly willing to give Him everything.

This November, I went with We Will Go to Mozambique, Africa. The Lord never ceases to amaze me! He grew my faith as He miraculously provided everything we needed for the trip. We worked alongside Iris Ministries in Pemba, Mozambique, loving the orphan children and worshipping the Lord in spirit and in truth with the believers there. I saw a bigger picture of what God’s kingdom really looks like – people from every tribe and tongue will one day stand before the throne to praise Him! How beautiful! Seeing the true faith and passion of Christians in Mozambique truly challenged me. These people have nothing, they depend entirely on the Lord to meet every need. So many times I try to do things myself, and I always fail. But nothing is impossible with God - in Him we have all we need for life and godliness!
We Will Go recently purchased two buildings on their street that the Lord promised them years ago. These buildings will house interns whom the Lord is calling to serve alongside the Lancasters in Jackson. I knew when I first heard them speak about these buildings over the summer that this was where the Lord would have me live, and now I am preparing to move there this summer and live there during my last year at MC. Looking back over 2008, it is easy to see all the ways that the Lord has moved and all the things He has been teaching me. Looking forward into 2009, I am so excited to think about all He will continue to do. In March, I am headed to Mexico with First Baptist Clinton’s college ministry to share Jesus Christ there! I am excited to have an opportunity to use the two years of Spanish I’ve had at Mississippi College to speak His name and tell about His amazing love.

School is going well, and I plan to graduate next May with a degree in Christian Studies and a minor in Spanish (after many changes of major! J). I am praying about what God wants me to do after graduation, and really, I have no idea what that could be. I know that He is calling me to serve Him full-time, but where and when and how I don’t know. I trust that He will continue to faithfully guide me as He has thus far. I am excited to see what new adventures God has for the future – there’s never a dull moment in serving Him!

I am so blessed to have you in my life. Please know that as you have been praying for me, I have been praying for you also. If there’s anything specific I can pray about for you, please let me know – I would love to lift you up in this way! Thank you for allowing me to share with you about what God is doing. Even sitting here writing this is an encouragement and a reminder to me of who God is and what He has done, and I hope it encourages you also. I love you and I hope to write again soon.

this

is very new to me. all of this. i have no clue about when to say things, what to say, or how to say them....the same goes with actions. i think i am failing, miserably even. g helped me a lot at work today by simply sharing with me from his own experience. i am so glad that he and i have gotten to be friends. what a blessing. i love our little talks before the kids arrive every day. his words calmed my spirit, he promised it was normal to be confused and unsure and to stumble through these things. which is good. cause i'm confused, unsure, and stumbling. 

thank God for...well, God. what an amazing Jesus i have. without Him my life would be crumbling, and perhaps not even in existence right now. i need to focus on this. 

You're the center of the universe, everything was made in You, Jesus. breath of every living thing, everyone was made for You. You hold everything together, You hold everything together....oh Christ, be the center of our lives, be the place we fix our eyes, be the center of our lives....

embers

that need to be blown on. that's what my heart has become here lately. the fire has died down, i have noticed it increasingly more over the past several days. i want the Lord to blow on my life and revive the fire that was burning there such a short time ago.

i know His breath comes from being near to Him. that's what i need to do. be near to Him.

being around others who love Him helps. i'm praying that the Lord sends people my way who are unexpectedly in love with Him....people that aren't churchy or religious, just head over heels crazy about Jesus. maybe people that i would never think of, but his precious ones that He loves. someone to challenge my thoughts about God, to shake and break and teach me....ya know?

i don't want to lose sight. i don't want to forget my first Love. i want it to always be an adventure, me and Him.

honestly, i've neglected. we haven't been close because i haven't let us be.

after all this, i still lack accountability. please, someone, make me be real with you. ask me how the Lord and i are doing and don't be satisfied until i tell you the truth...the deep truth, not just some answer i can give you to make you go away.

i need to be learning God's word, not just reading it. i need to be praying. fasting. there's so much this relationship needs that it's not getting, and it's not God's fault.

God, forgive me. and help me love you the way i should...the way i want to....the way you deserve. blow on the embers, Jesus, Holy Spirit fire fall into my heart and burn brilliantly. i don't want to settle for where i am...ever. i want to want more of you, Jesus. my life is so dull without you. so dull and desperate. Jesus, you're welcome here.


"but the harder i try the more clearly can i feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all, and so this might could be the most impossible thing, your grandness in me, making me clean....you are holy, and i wanna be holy, like you, God..."

i always

think about the most important life stuff right before i go to sleep. this is what i've always done. kind of a debriefing before i travel to dreamland. i've never had a problem with this until now. 

so what in the world do i do? here i am, and my path has crossed with yours, and for now we seem to be in somewhat of the same place, walking together. but with many thoughts towards the future recently it has been unavoidable that i think about this....the fact that there may come a day in the not-so-distant future that the path will fork, and you and i will choose to go in different directions. this seems all too possible, honestly. it scares me. not because i'm not okay with going where i need to go. i just think that if by that point we're still in this thing, it's going to be really hard to let you go. i don't want the pain. i can't let my life get so intertwined with yours that it takes part of me if you and i split. gosh, i've seen that happen to enough people to know it's not pretty. it's happened to me, too, in different ways. and i feel deeply, more deeply than most. which is a beautiful thing at times but also quite a burden. saying goodbye is something i've never been good at. 

this probably seems so silly to you, irrational, unreasonable even. we just started, for heaven's sake, quit thinking about the end. i know, i know. what is wrong with me? maybe after years of things not working out, of people letting me down, of losing those i love most....well, after awhile anyone would be like me, i would suppose. maybe i should have kept my heart entirely to myself in the first place. but i like you, really i do. and things really are good (so why can't i just enjoy it? i know. i KNOW). and even if it does come to a painful goodbye, i believe it wouldn't have been wasted time. i guess, like always, i'm just scared. and i want that to be okay. i want it to be okay to be scared. i want that to be okay with you. please?

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."     - c.s. lewis 

two people

in two days have asked me if i'm going to seminary (as if i would know or something...ha). some days the future looms ominously in front of me like dark rain clouds, and i am certain that only disaster awaits me as graduation approaches ever more rapidly. other days i feel like i'm looking out over a vast horizon, where i cannot see far but what i can see looks intensely promising and brings me happy anticipation of all the places that my Love and i might go. 

so there you have it. lots of mixed emotions. or just emotions, period. but i am a girl, so that's not too surprising, i suppose ;)

i like where i am right now, but i know that i cannot stay there forever. or even for very long at all. but that doesn't mean i won't like the next place, and the next, and the next....

as long as Jesus goes with me i am fine. and He promised never to leave. so i am content. whatever the circumstances, i am content. 

no longer a doormat

i've graduated to the status of carpet, or perhaps a nice handtowel. 

i spoke up today. to two people, actually. and it wasn't terrible. it wasn't my favorite part of the day, it was slightly unpleasant, it did make me uncomfortable, i felt bad about saying what i had to say, it went against my very nature and all that i wanted to do.....but it wasn't terrible. 

my feelings about speaking up were confirmed in sunday school, when we watched rob bell's nooma video entitled "store." it was about how people deal with anger. afterwards we discussed it, and this girl who i never would have guessed would be anything like me said, "you know, i always let people do stuff that bothers me over and over and over and finally i can't take it anymore and i just blow up at them. but that's unfair, because i never tell them that it upsets me." wow. that's me right there. i've decided i for sure want to attempt to avoid that from here on out. certainly it will still happen, cause it's just my tendency to try to let things that aren't a big deal slide. but if it's something that truly bothers me, there's nothing wrong with calmly telling the other person that it does. especially if that will prevent future frustration and potential blow-ups. speaking up is the way to go for us mount vesuvius types. 

this is a small personal victory for me. i'm still uncertain about how the other person felt about what i said, yet i feel like i accomplished something regardless. so....

hooray! :) 

this break

needs to end promptly. i'm done with it. i'm bored. i need all my mc friends back. i need my roomie. i need the healthplex. i need my mission first babies. i need a normal schedule, normal sleeping hours, tuesday nights at the scones, the library, cups, chell-bell, gusgus, la, some neutral space to hang out in that's mine (and missy's of course).... and the list goes on and on.

spring semester is always so much better anyway...so i'm lookin forward to it. 

2008 was a very good year. very eventful. life-changing. i anticipate good things from 2009. i just have to stay focused. fix my heart on things above, not on earthly things.

and pray more. like i said. pray a LOT more.