grrr

that's about all i have to say right now. 

and that i'm grateful to have a heavenly Father who listens to all my frustrations. and He understands me because He made me. what a relief. my one constant comfort and joy. Jesus. 

it's time

for me to stop being such a clam and SPEAK UP. to a lot of people. i don't think they're ready. i've said nothing about so many things for so long that no one is going to expect this. i have no idea what the response will be. and i don't know that i care anymore. 

i want to be done with being so afraid. God, i'm sorry, i feel like we've talked about this so much. we've beat it into the ground. fear, fear, fear. why so much fear? i don't know either, Daddy. i just know that it takes over so many times. maybe that's one of those things that i have to keep surrendering again and again. i'm weary of this, though. 

can't i just be done with this?!? 

i think way too much

about way too many things. i'm surprised my head hasn't exploded by this point in my life. it gets me in trouble though....over-analysis, tearing apart and reconstructing every little word in my mind, playing it again and again. that can't be healthy. but i know i'm not the only one. and i can't help it, really. it would be nice to be able to simply exist. at least for a day or two. 

Christmas is over and i can't help but be happy. and soon enough i'll be going back to school and honestly, i'm happy with that too. at least at the dorm i have some level of stability and control over my own life. i never really know what to expect with my family. especially now. 

i'm trying not to close people out with this...especially j. i'm learning that i do that so much. i keep everything to myself. it frustrates me. i just can't open up the way i want to, the way i really need to.....

it'll get better, though. 

i don't know why

but i haven't said very much about africa. i want to talk about it...but i don't really know what it is i need to say. 

i checked my email on Christmas eve and had one from jared...he wanted me to know that he and andrea had taken mr watson to ali, and that he got a picture of them together and was sending it to me. i think that was the best Christmas present i got this year. 

where am i going? i have no idea where i'll end up. the possibilities truly are limitless. sometimes when i think about it i want more direction...then i remember just how God has guided me to this point and how He's worked everything out so far. i'm resting in Him. but it's natural to want to know. i look at people like clinton who've felt a calling to a certain country for a long time. and here he is, after years of seeking the Lord and working towards that goal, and he's going there to live. i don't have that particular calling...yet. everywhere i've been on mission trips to i could see myself living. i just don't know. could be latvia, mexico, greece, mozambique....or somewhere completely different. could be jackson. whew. i think that's the hardest one to swallow. i love jackson but it'd be easier to leave it.....

my hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness. i dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name. on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

truth. 

Christmas break is the stuff. i am thoroughly enjoying it. i only wish la and miss lived closer :( but visits will take place i am sure....soon and very soon. 

so this whole moving downtown thing is materializing rapidly. i'm excited but also have some apprehensions, some doubts. it is so obvious to me that this is where God is leading me, i'm sure, surer than i am about anything else. am i ready though? spiritually, that is. the battle is real on congress street, there's no playing around about it. at mc i can ignore it if i want....downtown i don't have that option. i need to pray more...i have a feeling, though, that no amount of "preparation" will get me ready for everything i'll face. dependence on the Lord will be a given. but i'm good with that. He's faithful. He's the best Daddy in the world. 

my life is so different than how i predicted. praise God :) what a miracle. 

praise the Lord

- exams are over
- i'm home, with my very own space...mmm....peace
- i get to sleep semi-late for a few weeks
- i have a really sweet boyfriend :) (that still sounds weird but i'm getting used to it)
- i can do some reading for fun over the break...get excited!
- i'm alive, and life is pretty good

a few things i'm happy about right now. now i must go brave the ridiculous Christmastime traffic to take care of a few last Christmas presents. i'm trying not to be frustrated with Christmas this year. i mean, i've been like that for two years....it's time to try to enjoy it again. it's just so hard. things haven't been the same and never will be...and now even more things are changing with my mom's new friend and all...i don't think i handle change all that well. i need to pray more. yep.

"here we are...

...we got to the best part, where the strings come in and you melt my heart all over again...."

so i really like this. really. in case anyone may be wondering - i am happy.

God is so good. the story of my life just keeps getting better and better. everything's coming together. He's pulling me in. deep unto deep. wow i love Him. i definitely don't show it enough, still. that hurts my heart. i long for Him to know how much i love Him...and i want to love Him so much more....always more....

it's a battle. a literal battle with myself. my heart says, spend time with your Father. and my mind says, you have so much schoolwork to take care of, you don't have time. or any other number of lame excuses....i'm understanding more and more what paul was talking about when he said that the things he wants to do he doesn't do, and the things he doesn't want to do he does. that makes such perfect sense. i hate it. but - Christ already gave me victory. i need to walk in His freedom, walk in His liberty...dance in His freedom, dance in His liberty...cause it is for freedom He set us free! and I'M FREE.

You are the only one i need, i bow all of me at Your feet, i worship You alone
You have given me more than i could ever have wanted and i want to give You my heart and my soul

i am

happy. had coffee with my friend w this morning. i was excitedly telling him about africa and what God has been teaching me. he had this great big smile on his face, and when i finished he told me, "i like this new betsey." i was a little confused, so of course i asked, "what new betsey?" he responded, "the one who doesn't care what people think anymore."

i really have changed so much since last year, by the grace of God. it's crazy to think of all i've been through to get to this point. and of course, like w and i just talked about, i know the Lord is not done yet....nor will he ever be. somedays that makes me feel weary, but for the most part, i feel privileged. as david said in the psalms, what is man that God is mindful of us? who am i that God cares about my life, and wants to work in it? God in MY life? that's so crazy. i'm incredibly thankful for it...and humbled by the thought of it. whew.

God, i'm asking you now...how do you want to work in my life today? where do you want to shape and mold me? what things are you desiring to burn away in your refining process? i want to be open to whatever you give and anything you take. i trust you. and i love you.

i've learned

about stopping for the one. this is difficult to do. a lot of times i don't hear the Holy Spirit. and then when i do, sometimes i don't want to obey. but the few encounters i've had over the past week where i did hear and i chose to listen have been truly amazing. being used by God is the best thing in the world. i want it every day. i want Jesus' love to flow out of me to every mario and aubrey out there....

it's been a week today since i returned from africa. most of that time is just a blur of happenings, and sorting through those has made trying to process my trip even more difficult. things there are so incredibly different....people are different. i know God is the same but even His presence seems different there. i want that africa feeling back. i can't explain it. tonight at amy and david's they let me look at all their pictures and it really got to me. i need to stop thinking about it before i get upset....

there are some good things going on here, though. strange but good. and i know this is where i belong. so i'm trying to be content, whatever the circumstances. i just need some help.

so little time, so much to do

i have a million and one things to do. and i feel like there are a million and one people i want to spend time with. because i have to finish this semester well, i pretty much have to do the things instead of be with the people. i hate that.

i greatly anticipate december 15th. this will all be over so soon, i just keep telling myself. push on through. you can do it. 10 more days.

time to crank out a dozen or so pages worth of papers....get excited....

africa was worth it. it was more than worth it.

listening is an act of love.

one that i've been learning a lot about. it all started when i became friends with la. that girl is the best listener i've ever met in my life. when i talk to her i experience a different kind of listening altogether. she's not afraid of silence. i used to be one of those people who would always respond right away because the silence made me so uncomfortable...but she has broken me of that. also, la asks questions about the things i've told her to get to the very root of the issue. it's such a beautiful thing, and i've been asking the Lord to show me how to listen like that.

lately i've had lots of opportunities to practice. one thing i've been praying about as i listen is that God will give me the words He wants me to say to people. many times i know what i feel they want to hear, and i know what i would like to say. but what i want to say and what God wants to say are usually different....maybe i should pray instead for God to keep transforming my mind, to give me the mind of Christ. then His words will simply flow from me...

i know this has nothing to do with africa....but it's what i was thinking about as i awoke this morning. actually though, it's all connected...love is the common denominator. love is the theme of all God has been teaching me. love.

today, God, show me who to love and how to love them. i promise i will stop for the one. fill me, and i will gladly pour out. i love because you first loved me.

how was your trip?

this is a question i cannot seem to answer well yet. it's so much...i learned so much, saw so much, experienced so much, felt so much. it was everything i hoped for and more, and nothing like what i expected. i'm trying really hard to come up with something better than that.

if i had to sum it up in one word, it would be more. God gave me so much more of Himself...and revealed to me how much more He wants of me.

i will elaborate soon.