in less than ten hours

i leave for africa. wow. it's still not real to me yet. 

what are my expectations of this trip, he asks? i simply expect something amazing to happen. nothing specific....just the Lord, in whatever way He wants to show up. 

my heart is so overwhelmed at what is happening in my life. so many beautifully unexpected things. i wish it didn't take me forever to process it all. 

tameka had her baby....a five pound, perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy with absolutely no trace of drugs in his system. a miracle. a real miracle. i held a miracle. i almost lost it in that hospital room. the depth of God's love and grace and the reality of who He is and the sheer joy of it all....i almost couldn't breathe. 

can i just stay like this? unable to breathe because of who He is? overtaken by the thought of Him....can i just stay like this? 

i said to him

Lord help me.

and he did. wow. God WROTE that paper for me. he revealed things to me as my fingers flew across the keyboard that i've never even thought about before. my life does have direction. how beautiful. thank you for the guidance and confirmation, God.

he's just so good. i can't believe he would do for me all that he has done! i am overwhelmed at the thought of it. who am i that God would not only redeem me and call me by name and make me his, but also orchestrate this elaborate plan for my life, in which every puzzle piece fits perfectly with all the others to make something glorious for his kingdom??? that to me is too much. i can't take it in.

you're amazing God. that's all i know to say.

i have to write this paper

about my ultimate goals in life. where i see myself in five years. what i want my career to be.

this is cruel. take the one thing i'm most unsure about, and make me write five pages on it? really?

well i'm about to search my soul....and hopefully crank out some awesome-sounding plans for my life. ideally before eleven o'clock.

Lord, help me.

i love him because

he never disappoints me. ever.

somedays i'm brimming with things to say and have not the time to sit and type them all. i love and hate this. there are a million billion trillion things i'd like to write, and i cannot choose. so instead i will use the words of someone i really admire to express where i am right now...


the pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i will walk through the valley if you want me to
i'm not who i was when i took the first step
and i'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
i will walk through the fire if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'd never go alone
so when the whole world turns against me and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear you answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and i will walk through the darkness if you want me to
cause when i cross over jordan, i'm gonna sing, i'm gonna shout
i'm gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
so take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
and i will walk through the valley if you want me to
yes, i will walk through the valley if you want me to

a conversation.

i was speaking to him last night and he spoke back. what he said changed everything. i'm writing it so i won't forget (i don't think i could anyway, but...yeah).



you are asking me to do whatever it takes for her to be saved...are you willing to walk through that with her? what is painful to her will be painful to you also. what i take away from her will be gone from your life, too. are you willing?

yes. yes, i am. i desire this the way you do. i'll give up anything.

will you give your life?

my life? wait...do you mean metaphorically? or literally? do you mean i'm actually going to physically die for this? (heart pounding wildly)

will you give your life? are you willing?

wow....wow. yes. yes, i will. if my death could bring her to you, if you want to take my life, then it's already yours. it's all yours. you know that.




"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

i have no idea what this means. but i agreed to it. only time will tell. but for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. so i have no fear.

but if you left it up to me

every day would be a holiday from real. we'd waste our weeks beneath the sun, we'd fry our brains and say it's so much fun out here. but when it's all over, i'll come back for another year.


a week and a half til africa....what what??!!? and this spanish paper has been nagging at me. so i'm about to give it my best shot. i tried to inspire myself by reading over some A papers i wrote for randle last year...but that's so different. cause it's in ENGLISH. aaaahh!

today is a good day, though. a great day. beautiful. i am happy. and i'm not going to think too much about life, i'm just going to leave it at that.

if you can't say anything nice...

....don't say anything at all.

i feel like anything i might say today would be negative, so i'm going to refrain. i would love to give full vent, but it would probably just make things worse. so i'm keeping it in this time.

goodnight, little world. tomorrow's another day.

playing dirty

is what Satan does. i think it's all he knows how to do.

he prowls around like a lion, waiting for someone to devour. and he waits until i'm weak to come after me. physically weak, usually. when i'm tired. like today. today he came against me full force. thank you God for the sword of Your Spirit, my one tried and true defense.

whatever, Satan. please. this is so out of your hands. just give up already. or if you don't, be prepared for a fight. i'm still standing. in the name and power of Jesus Christ, i'm still standing. when i am weak, He is strong. so hit me with your best shot.

i had a day.

i'm glad i'm about to climb into bed right now. i'm not very happy with myself today. i'm not quite sure why either. i just had a day, ya know?

i worry way too much about what people think. i always have to qualify and explain and justify and blah blah blah to everyone and anyone that i think might or could or would care about anything and everything that nobody or everybody or anybody gathers or perceives or believes that i think or say or do. exhausting, no? yes.

i should just live my life. wow. easier said than done.

i want to be extreme. i want to just drop everything and go. every day this feeling grows in my heart and soul and mind a little more and it's getting to be too much to bear. like a fire in my bones...i'm weary of holding it in, indeed, i cannot. how long, oh Lord, must i wait? will you forget your servant forever? here am i, please, GOD! send me. and make it snappy. before i explode or implode or simply go insane.

my life is a ridiculously dramatic dichotomy. on the one hand, i have this world i'd like to be in fully and completely, where God is real, and he's doing miraculous things, and he asks me for everything, and the only opinion i'm concerned with is his. on the other hand, i have this world that i feel i've been crammed into, where there are all these expectations and requirements and criteria that i'm not convinced i was ever meant to meet. pointless, stupid, monotonous, and some just downright wastes of time. why the heck do i have to go to college? i mean, seriously. it's not that i don't enjoy it, i do....sometimes too much. i love class, i love learning, i don't mind the work most of the time. but at the same time, my life is a vapor. fleeting. and these things are all meaningless, right? chasing after the wind? i'm ready to chase something i can take ahold of, please.

God, what do i do?? i'm at this place of crisis once again. how many times have we even been here, Lord? i mean, really. can we just move past this? what do you want from me? am i supposed to push through and endure? or can i abandon all of this for something better? or is there something better right now...is this it or no? have i been wrong all this time? i feel like i'm supposed to DO something else here. but i've already done a lot, haven't i? i feel like where i am now hasn't been a result of doing nothing, or even little. i know it's not supposed to be easy, and i don't want it to be. easy is cheap. i want a costly discipleship. and God you've been stretching me a LOT. yet i know there's more but what the heck IS it? God, please!! help me out here. you alone are wise. i can't even pretend to have a clue, i only know what you tell me. and right now it hasn't been much, the path is very dark, i can only see the very next step in front of me. and i know you want it that way, i do. but i need some clarity, some vision, something, anything, please. what am i supposed to say when they ask me what my plans are? what do i tell them when they want to know where i'm headed? i don't know doesn't work so well, i know this because i've tried. but why can't i not know?? what's wrong with not knowing? if i knew then i wouldn't have to trust you, God. oh, Lord....take over.

i will wait for you, Jesus, you're the sun on my horizon.
all my hope's in you, Jesus, i can see you now arising.

ramble ramble

resolution is important to me. i realize this more daily. i just can't leave things alone until there's some sort of resolution. this makes things very intense at times.

i need to just let it rest.

so...group projects are really dumb. and i hate them. truly. but tuesday it'll be over and i'll never have to think about it again - hallelujah.

yesterday our mozambique team needed $11,000 more, and today we have above and beyond what we need! my trip, and everyone else's, is completely paid for. way to go, God! i just love how He works. i have no clue where the money even came from, and i'm beginning to think it's better that way.

lately i have felt so stretched by others. but the fact that people need a lot from me really keeps me praying, so it's not necessarily a bad thing. it can wear a person out, though. i'm having to depend on the Lord more every day, cause there's no possible way i could do this myself.

in 2 weeks and 3 days i'll be in africa...what???!!!!

yes, it's real betsey. believe it.