to seek and to save

the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. - luke 19:10


i've never in my life felt so desperate for the soul of another human being. never longed so much for the salvation of another. maybe it's because her salvation is not merely spiritual, but very physical and tangible also.

this is what i should be feeling constantly. this IS the mind of Christ.

i was really burdened earlier, really anxious. i started praying and reading the Word. i read the story of the lost sheep. how this one sheep was so valuable that the shepherd goes out searching for it, and when he finds it, puts it on his shoulders rejoicing. and then calls everyone together to tell them about finding his lost sheep, to get them to celebrate with him.

Jesus does that for us.

i'm overwhelmed by the thought of this. because despite our condition - the filthy sin in our lives, our wandering away, how we are nothing without him - He still loves us so much that He goes out searching. and then rejoices when He finds us.

seeking and saving. wow.

Jesus, You are good. and You CAME to seek and save. you CAME to give abundant life. that was Your entire purpose. so i believe You for that now. just do what You do, Jesus. nothing is impossible to You, praise Your holy name! seek and save, Jesus. seek and save. and show me what my part in this is. i love You.

what would you consider spiritual sprinting?

my new friend asks me.

i told him i wasn't sure. i know what it would feel like, but i'm not sure i know how it actually plays out in my life.

i'm not doing it, i can tell you that much. because i know what physical sprinting feels like, and my spirit is not there.

oh, how i want to be.

is it possible to sprint continually? in human strength it would be physically impossible to physically run all the time. but in the strength of the Lord, nothing is impossible.

my mind wants to say it is, though. it keeps coming back to my faith. oh, my tiny little faith. so small. so feeble. not even a mustard seed.

Lord, i believe. help me in my unbelief!

i want to sprint. i want it so bad.

expectations.

how can something that seems so wonderful be such torture? i simply do not know.

i decided just yesterday that i'm tired of waiting around. the opportunity was there for oh-so-long and was not seized, and now i must move on. sorry, kiddo. better luck next time.

i like new things, though. i'm happy with what i might be moving on to. and whatever happens, happens. i don't want to overthink, overanalyze, overexpect. i just want to be.

life is so interesting. it seems things are always happening, and they're never what i expect. i am glad it is that way :)

if i got what i expected, would i be happy?

not as happy as i am now.

it's always

either the really good boys or the really bad ones that get me. why is that? and i can't have either one.

school is getting on my nerves. tests, tests, tests. that's all they do around here. whatever happened to the good ole days of independent learning, like at veritas? man, i miss that place sometimes. in the eyes of those teachers, i could do no wrong. or if i did, they still actually knew me. college is so weird sometimes.

i need to study.



'cause this is a battle, and it's your final last call. it was a trial, you made a mistake, we know. but why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why? this can be better, you used to be happy, try.

stream of consciousness

i used to hate cleaning. i was such a slob. i was the kind of person that neat people couldn't bear to live with. and now, i'm not sure what happened, but i can't go to bed with a mess. beyond that, cleaning has become therapeutic for me. there's something about straightening up the mess in my little world that helps me straighten up the messes in my mind. clear my thoughts, if you will.

i've been cleaning for about an hour and now i am almost ready for bed.


i'm ready to live somewhere real. to move all the stuff that belongs to me out of the house in madison and into somewhere that is mine. which means, i'm sure, that i would be getting rid of a lot of things. i want to get rid of a lot of things. i want to put the possessions dearest to me in a duffel bag and ditch all the rest. i want to jump in my car and go somewhere. get on a plane and move to africa. i want to do that now. why can't i? what's really holding me back? is it really God's will that i stay in school or am i just doing this because it's what everyone else (and me) thinks i'm supposed to do? because it's what's expected?

i don't even know anymore. my thoughts are wild lately. i have a hard time finding purpose some days in some of the things i do.

but i'm doing a lot fewer meaningless things now that i used to be doing. so i guess that's a start. there's still so much that needs to be stripped away.


"therefore since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses in the life of faith, let us STRIP OFF every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. and let us RUN with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne. think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won't become weary and give up."

Lord knew i needed that sunday. and today. and every day. thank you, Lord.

grief

sucks.

that's all i can come up with right now. it seems so shallow and empty compared to what i'm actually feeling.

this post sucks too. but i'll cut myself some slack and just let it be.

why am i so closed?

content

earlier today i had to make amends for treating my body so terribly over the past few weeks. i need more sleep, more exercise, and more fruits and veggies...and no more caffeine in any form. i felt the effects at the health plex tonight for sure! it was a tough one. i need to do better. but for now, i feel better :) yay endorphins!

now i need to do some spiritual damage control. it's been a WEEK. i know i haven't been treating my heart and soul right, either. sigh. Lord, help me.

i really like unexpected friendships. out of nowhere, there you are, and you're friends, and it's beautiful. even unexpected shallow-ish friendships. because they have potential for something more. it's always interesting to see what will happen. but i am letting myself be pleasantly surprised now, instead of disappointed. it's going pretty well, too.

fall break this weekend...i think i will get lots of study time in, seeing as most people won't be here.

maybe i shall paint. i think i shall. it'll be a good weekend for painting.

i am content.

restoration

has come in several ways this week. for that, i am thankful. God is so faithful to restore what the enemy tries to steal, kill, and destroy.

i'm struggling spiritually. maybe it's because lately i've been physically exhausted. i've been facing a lot of doubt, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of fear, a lot of questions....

it's overwhelming.

i look around at where i am, what i have, who is here with me....and i really don't understand it at all. somedays nothing makes sense at all.

i need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue...where else can i go? there's no other name by which i am saved, capture me with grace, i will follow You...this world has nothing for me....