I know I'm 22....

...but I miss my Mommy.

That is all.

So no more messing around. Determination. Let's do this. Italian, drums, running, reading the word....no more complacency. Growth.

This whole Mexico thing has been really good for me. Thank you so much, God, for letting me be here. Thank you for the opportunity you're giving me to grow, even when that means facing my own shortcomings, things that I don't always want to see in myself. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for using the people around me here to teach me, to inspire me, to encourage me, and to bless me so immensely. Guide me and show me the things you want me to pursue while I'm here. Help me to be faithful and do all for your glory, with all that I am. Fill me with love and passion and enthusiasm and joy that is contagious. And help me to overflow with your word of life....help me to use what you've given me to bless others. Help me to focus on you. Forgive me for the times I've lost sight and have become discouraged. Thank you that you are always with me. You are the best. Seriously. And every day I'm more amazed at how incredibly creative you are...how did you come up with all of this, God? You are awesome. I'm hoping that some of that rubs off on me ;) I love you, love you, love you!!!

Quiero enamorarme mas de ti, quiero enamorarme mas de ti....

mania at its finest.

Today (or rather, yesterday) was Thanksgiving. Holidays are always strangely sad to me. I can't help it, but I'm not the only one, either.

I have nearly accepted the fact that sleeping at normal hours is basically impossible for me. It is almost half past three and I'm still chugging away. I've scoured my entire room, balanced my checkbook, read some, taken a bubble bath, and begun an autobiography which will one day be nationally acclaimed as a New York Times bestseller. My stomach has been intensely growling for several hours but I've managed to ignore it. I'm on a roll.

This is my life now. I think I'm crazy.

in me you may have peace.

As I sit on my front porch, the air is perfectly cool, the crickets chirp and the wind rustles the leaves, and in spite of all the thoughts stirring in my head and the burdens heavy on my heart, I feel peace.

Peace because I know my life is headed towards something oh-so-good.

Peace because I know there is one who walks with me into the uncertainty of each day ahead, for he promised never to leave or forsake me.

Peace because I've seen enough to know that I can trust you with my life, my whole life.

Peace. Your peace surpasses all human understanding. And I think it really sets you apart from the rest. No one else can put me so at ease. This is real, right here.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid....I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - some of the greatest words of comfort ever spoken (John 14:27, 16:33)

precious faces.

I'm working on a photo album, a Christmas present for each of my girls at Mission First. Looking at all these pictures of their sweet faces is making me so very sad....I'm going to miss them so much. Here's a little preview:

Aren't they beautiful?? I wish I could pack them in my suitcase.

Come December 2nd, I'm going to be bawling like a baby. I stink at goodbyes.

love is messy sometimes.

I want to write about this now, so I never forget.

Tonight some of the college students and I loaded up some food and jackets and headed downtown. At the bus station I was surprised to see a lady I know fairly well, through my time working at We Will Go. She and her four kids were waiting for a van that comes to pick people up and take them to a nearby church gymnasium, where folks can find temporary shelter in the cold months. I was horrified to see some of her kids were walking around the bus station barefoot, and sent one of our students to get shoes for them right away. Long story short, we ended up at their apartment complex about an hour later, delivering the shoes. We came inside the apartment and my heart broke at all I saw. There was hardly any furniture, just a dingy couch and a table in the corner. Dirty clothes were everywhere, the floor was filthy, and the whole place smelled terrible due to William's bulging dirty diaper and another of the children, who was covered in his own urine. Their mom seemed to be in her own world, totally disconnected as we played with the kids and put the clean socks and new shoes on their feet. They were overjoyed. Finally I knelt down beside the couch to speak with Susanna. I asked her if there was anything more we could do. She told me she didn't really want to be in this situation, and promptly called her man into the house and quietly asserted the same. The level of his voice began to steadily rise as did my level of discomfort. I said nothing else until he left the room, then wrote down my number and told her to call if she needed anything, anything at all. I pray she does.

What broke my heart more than anything was realizing my deficit of love and selflessness. I watched as Bethany, a girl from our group, picked up the kid with the seriously dirty diaper and held him tight. He had come to me first, with arms extended, wanting to be held....and I didn't hold him, because I didn't want to get dirty. Watching her love them so fully was beautiful to me, and really convicting. I was ashamed of my own actions in light of hers.

I never want to fail at loving someone again, merely because I don't want to get messy.

I still have much to learn about Your love. I was truly humbled tonight...help me remember what I saw. Amen.

keep breathing.

"the storm is coming, but i don't mind. people are dying, i close my blinds. all that i know is i'm breathing now. i want to change the world - instead, i sleep. i want to believe in more than you and me. all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...." (ingrid michaelson)

these lyrics really resonate with me. they basically sum up what depression does to me. all the passion i have for life is overwhelmed by numb, and all i can do is keep breathing.

the past few days have been hard. i'm not going to lie. i've still made myself do things and be with people, but it has by no means been easy. the worst part about this is that i know those close to me suffer along with me. i try not to let it affect the way i act, but i spend most of my day trying to pretend like things are fine, and by the time i get around my real friends i'm exhausted of that.

for months now i've considered going to see a psychiatrist. counseling has helped a lot, but i still feel really out of control sometimes. but at this point it feels like it's too late. i leave in six weeks, which doesn't give enough time to even discern whether or not the medicine is right for me or working properly and all that. realizing this makes me feel trapped. i know God is going to take care of me, because he certainly has so far. i've just recently allowed myself the freedom in my mind to utilize the resources he's placed out there, though. but now i feel like medicine isn't much of an option, not before mexico.

last night i was restless. i tried laying outside in the cold listening to music and playing the piano at the church. i finally headed home but when i got there, instead of pulling in the driveway, i kept driving. and cried. i drove the long way to downtown jackson, then past all the places where i'd normally go to visit the homeless. i didn't see a soul. finally i found one man, camped on a bench at a covered bus stop. i parked my car down the street and walked to where he was. he had a grocery cart in front of him, probably to block the wind. i tried making conversation and offered him a blanket, which he refused with a mere shake of his head. despite all my attempts, he never said a word, just kept shaking his head. it's a bad night when not even the homeless will talk to you. finally i simply went home, completely out of tears and energy.

what a week.

i'm thankful that You get me.