i'm 22....

and just beginning to figure out who i am. which is funny, because some people seem to know all about me somehow. i had a long conversation with one of those people today, and it calmed my heart a little.

i am idealistic. because of this i have unrealistic expectations of myself. i set ridiculous goals and beat myself up when i can't reach them. i also always have to understand why...to see how all the pieces fit together to make the whole, to grasp why certain conclusions have been accepted instead of others. in every situation, i analyze and scrutinize and examine all the information before i'll even dare make a decision about it. even my risks are calculated.

for a while i've been discouraged because i haven't been disciplined or consistent enough in my walk with God. my friend challenged me to think about this: what is "enough?" i am not up to par in my spiritual life - by whose standards? faith by its very nature is a journey, a process...and you can't measure its progress in calculable, human terms. as much as i may want it to be, my faith is not and can never be a checklist. i need to relax a little, and view this as a relationship and not some formula i can solve - that way if i'm overlooking a variable it won't wreck my world when i find it later. i won't have to start from scratch every time i come to something that doesn't fit in my box.

i never really wanted to be one of those people. but i have been all along. go figure.

now what do i do?

walking just won't get it...

i'm running. if i can't walk then i'll crawl, and i'll get up if i fall, gotta get to where you are. i'm running, and i won't stop for nothing. it gets hard but it's worth it when it's you, Lord, that i want.

discipline

is something i don't have enough of, something that God has been speaking to me about big time lately. it's time for my life to be disciplined.

the analogies that the apostle paul used for the Christian life tell how important discipline is in the life of a believer - it's a race, and we are runners with a purpose and a prize in mind. it's a fight and we are not beating the air. it's a battle, the enemy is real and we must train and put on our full armor daily.

since i've started running more consistently, the running analogy has become more solid in my mind. every run is important when you're training - especially on the days when you don't feel like it, when you'd rather just skip it and sleep in. and if you skip it one day, it's easier to skip the next day, and the next, until before you know it, it's been weeks since your last run. in my life, i've found the same to be true of my time with the Lord. every day is important, and the days when i least feel like reading the word are the days when it's absolutely essential. and it's so easy to quit altogether after just one day slacking, and then weeks later wonder what went wrong.

not anymore. i'm ready for some serious spiritual training. let's go.

an update, finally.

it's been a long time. i haven't had words for much lately....

i have one week left of college, then graduation. it has started to sink in a little, and i have been mostly sad. not about the schoolwork, of course. but some of the people at mississippi college have become such a precious part of my life...and i'm going to basically be starting over as they move on to marriage, graduate school, and "big people" jobs. and after the summer, i'll be moving too - to another country!

as carrie kirk told me, "the only one that likes change is a wet infant." humorous and true. i hate change...but it's time, and it's going to be good.

i'm looking forward to this summer....no obligations other than work, lots of time with the people who live around here, lots of reading, running, and playing :) and rest. i can't wait.

for now, it's time to focus. finish strong.

kids say the darndest things.

it's amazing how a 20-minute run can change my whole outlook on life. lack of exercise has probably been a contributing factor to my crappy mood this week. apparently i need those endorphins more than i thought.

the expressions of kindness and love that have been shown to me over the past week are incredible. and an answer to prayer. things are still difficult but these people are a great help....i wish they could know how much.

today i am also thankful for one of my favorite kids on the planet, aj. he's gotten in the habit of coming up to me every afternoon, giving me a hug, looking up at me with those big brown eyes, and saying, "got any money?" to which i always respond, "no, i'm sorry aj. do you still love me?" his answer melts my heart. "of course!" and today he added, "why don't you got no money?" when i informed him i was "broke as a joke," he laughed and laughed like it was the best joke he'd ever heard. made my day.

i. love. that. child.

and i have the greatest job ever. end of story.

outstretched hands

Could I talk to You? Are You listening?

Would You let me ask the questions that burn inside of me?
I am reaching out, I am holding on
Feel like one of Your affections

but not quite like I belong

I am numb today, everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny, too little to be sure
Like a prodigal, like a distant son
I can see You from a distance
But I'm too ashamed to come

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand

I am scared to fall, scared to carry on
Am I losing to the cynic after running for so long?
There's a child in me, lost in mystery
But it's buried underneath the earth
Longing to be free

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand

ooh wee

today was crazy long. overslept and was in a huge rush. parked in the closest lot so i could make it to my 8 o'clock, and of course got a ticket. went to class and bombed a quiz. went to tutor and had nothing prepared for my tutees. went to work and had a ton of volunteers, in front of whom four of my kids acted up in extraordinary fashion and had to be disciplined big time. went to bible club and felt like i was in another world the whole time. and then finally, went to our college night and was probably an incredible hindrance to all intelligent discussion....then ended up wandering around downtown jackson, ran into a man named raymond, and ended up getting him some food and a place to stay for the night. finally, at the very end of my day, i found my purpose in it. so this day was not a total waste. thank God.

in other news, i'm really enjoying my new camera and trying to use it everyday. here's a few shots from today:

spring is nearly here! i have proof!! :)

this was his "your joke isn't funny and makes no sense" face. i love it. what a great kid. a little bit unruly, but great nonetheless.

there you have it. my day. and now, at long last, goodnight.