i'm homesick

for mexico. i miss it. my heart aches for it. more than i've ever ached for a place and people before.

i tried to call miguel yesterday, but ended up leaving a crazy voicemail because obviously i was trying to talk to him, so i didn't have a "message" planned. oh the joys of language learning.

i feel sad.

pretty sure

i did the right thing. but it sucks. i have peace in my heart but it saddens me, too. because i truly love that kid. i hope he gets that.

i have to trust that it's in God's hands. He is the friend who sticks closer than a brother....and that's what is needed. not me. i can't keep clinging, trying to bring salvation, life. that's not my place.



maybe we WILL meet again further down the river, and share what we both discovered, then revel in the view.....

i hope so.

hey Jesus, i'm sad. please be close to me today. amen.

i can't be

the person i want to be right now. i hate feeling so weak, so helpless, so needy. i want to be strong and stand tall and be the bravest woman you know. where has my courage run off to?

i waver. at my best moments i am capable of conquering the entire universe....and then i crumble to pieces like a ritz cracker.

it's interesting to me....the amazing things that he said of me left me desperate for them to be true. that person he described is a lady i'd love to be. well, he thinks that is who i am...so why can't i be?

here is where i either choose to go forward and become who i want to be...or stand paralyzed and eventually be exposed as a fake, not at all what he (and others, apparently) think i am.

alright. get to steppin.

incredible. that man is already making me better. confirmation: southside is now my home.

sometimes you just have to

stand your ground. even if it means the other person walking away.

i truly hope that he doesn't. but i'm not changing my mind on this one.....i meant what i said. if it's not worth that to him then it isn't worth trying to hold onto.

it's out of my hands for now. maybe for always.





thank you God, for friends to laugh with. friends who listen and who believe in me, who are proud of me. friends who build me up and let me be who i am....and love me for just that. thank you for reminding me that i have those people right now. send more of them to me speedily....in Jesus' name, so be it.

school gets in the way

of me doing things that are really important. at least i think this sometimes. college has been great for me and helped me grow in a lot of ways. but it would be nice to be able to look forward to more time to just BE with people and LOVE them. it's going to be so tough to do when i am trying to study and write papers and all that nonsense. Lord, help me.

i love jackson. living downtown is one of the best things that's happened in my life. i have some great stories already....more on that soon!

today i had a breakthrough with one of the girls in my class at mission first. kiara is a tough cookie....it's been really hard for me to connect with her. we had a heart to heart in the hallway and the Lord asked me to pray for her before we went back in the classroom. when i said amen and looked up she had tears streaming down her face. i think her heart and mine both softened a little this afternoon. it was good, really good. :)

tonight we prayer walked and we stopped by carolyn's house. carolyn, whose name i thought was curly the first time we met because she was so drunk she couldn't talk. carolyn had a breakthrough today too....as miss amy prayed over her she began to cry. we told her that God loved her in spite of her mistakes, and she said, "i know. i just need to learn to love myself." wow. tomorrow i'm going back to visit her and her mom, berta mae, and take them some cookies. i am praying the visit goes well and that the Lord speaks through me to encourage them.

i need so much more of Jesus. i can't do anything for them without Him. fill me up, Father....

wow.

i have a lot to do to prepare myself to move to mexico. visas, mission agencies, support letters, working, school....many, many decisions. big decisions. i need lots of wisdom.

but it sure is exciting :) i can't help but smile when i think about it. mexico. me, in mexico.

it'll be here sooner than i know.