keep breathing.

what if people were like cartoon characters, and we always wore the same outfit? i think i would really enjoy that. it would make my life a lot easier, at least.

i had a good talk with some guys in new mens 219 tonight. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who struggles with doubt, skepticism, and questions. it's nice to hear honest reflections from real people who've been there. it's nice to speak freely and not be judged. everything about tonight was nice.

this is difficult. it's frustrating. it's confusing. but i think it's good for me. we shall see.

thank you ingrid michaelson for summing things up for me so well sometimes. your lyrics amaze me.

The storm is coming, but I don't mind; people are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep, I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing....

:)

today my day has been brightened by a complete stranger with a lot of pizzaz....if you are reading this, you gotta check out color me katie's blog, i promise it will bring a smile to your face! her creativity and enthusiasm for life inspire me :) i am going to do my own fun project this weekend...we'll see what happens!

i am ready for spring. may 8th, to be specific. graduation, how i long for you...the day when tests, classes, papers will be over - temporarily, at least.

i need some organization in my life. for real.

and a vacation.

spanish test in the morning....buenas noches!! :)

questions with no answers.

i love kids. they say the most hilarious things. last night at Bible club the kids were going to act out the story of Jesus walking on water, and two of the boys were fighting over who would be Jesus. at one point in the argument, xay exclaimed, "no, I'M Jesus, ya big dummy!!" oh my....so great. i love it.

a bunch of other stuff happened yesterday, but it's all big blur in my mind.

i think i have come to something that every Christian must face, a place of challenging what one believes and trying to make sense of all of it. i realized last week that i have never for a minute been outside the church, and yes, Christianity makes sense to me, but it's what i've always known. i don't have a deep understanding of many things about my faith, and i don't have answers to questions that someone outside the faith who is genuinely seeking might ask. this makes me a little angry, that i am 22 and just now deciding this is important. i find myself frustrated with the fact that i don't know, that i can't answer everything. last night ledge encouraged me to not be so upset with not knowing, that questions are good, but answers take time. i know he's right.

it's hard to continue serving right now. i feel my feeble faith has nothing to offer those around me....but i am in a position to lead, so i must lead. the emotions that accompany this are worse than the questions themselves. i feel angry, like i said, and also guilty, because i want to love God but right now i don't feel i even know Him.

this is far from over. i'm too far in to get out now.

how in the world

did i end up with so much stuff in my life? possessions, that is. moving back home has made me realize that i have WAY too much. the next few weeks (maybe months!) i will be cleaning out some of this nonsense, and giving it new homes. i wish it would migrate elsewhere on its own....

i am just spoiled. end of story.

today was the 5k....i finished right at 36 minutes. not remarkable by any means, but who's counting? i got free chapstick and chick-fil-a coupons - be jealous. and it was really fun to see hannah today and to do this together. i'm lookin forward to running lots of races with her in the future (although, technically we didn't run it together, as she finished in 28 minutes...ha).

this is the shallow account of my day. other things are on my mind, but they're still in progress. so for now....goodnight :)

whataday

bad news first, cause that's how we roll. i think my mac got stolen today. there was a nice chunk of time in which it sat in the trunk of my car while i was downtown, and now it's nowhere to be found....but i'm crossing my fingers that maybe, just maybe, i misplaced it at school and that some honest guy or gal turned it in. after all, a Christian university, right? i'm not holding my breath, though. and i'm trying to maintain the perspective that it's just a thing. not the end of the world. happens everyday....and today might've just been my day. life goes on.

okay, on to more positive things. the weather was absolutely marvelous today. i had some of the best gumbo i've ever had in my life for lunch, made by mission first's very own lee thigpen - it was delicious! i had dinner with my dear friend josh and we talked about life for the first time in a long while, which was nice. and then i went to rachelle's and played apples to apples with the crew, during which i laughed so hard i cried and thought i might puke. the seratonin levels in my brain are currently off the charts. so all in all, a delightful day. the good outweighs the bad here, i would say.

tomorrow morning i'm running my first 5k ever. i'm nervous, and i'll probably be the deadest dead last, staggering across the finish line, but everyone's got to start somewhere, right? i'll feel good just knowing i did it. so here goes nothing.

sleepy time.

oh, buddy.

my thoughts have certainly been stirred up as of late. i am genuinely having trouble processing all these new ideas. but the challenge to my faith has been enjoyable, and i realize it's crucial to question beliefs that i have blindly held for so long....in my opinion, only good can come from all this thinking. in the end, i will hopefully have my own well-developed and sound viewpoints on some of this stuff. for now, i am searching.

lent began yesterday, and as i prayed about what i might give up during these 40 days the Lord revealed to me how i fill every bit of silence with music. i must admit, i am a little obsessed with music. so for lent, i am giving up listening to music in my car. instead i'm gonna try to spend that time talking to Jesus....and that has already proven to be a challenge. i spend a good deal of time in my car since i commute to school (30 mins each way) and also have to drive to jackson to go to work (which factors in another 30 mins or so). so in the two days of lent so far, i have realized that, sadly, i have little to say to God. i know that prayer is not all about me babbling at God, and that silence is significant for allowing God to speak to me. but i'm admitting that there have been times of awkward silence....which means our relationship isn't at all where i want it to be yet. also, it's hard to keep my mind focused on the Lord. once i quit praying aloud, i found my thoughts wandering every which way, which in a sense defeats the purpose. this is going to take some serious mental discipline.

the cool thing about lent this year is that it ends on easter, which just so happens to also be my birthday. so the day of celebration that completes the season of lent will be even more meaningful this year :)

i don't want to be a square. i want my mind to be free and open to new ideas, new thoughts, and people that are different from myself. i don't ever want to come across as arrogant, or self-righteous, or judgmental, or negative or rude. i want to be gracious and loving and kind and caring and interested in everyone, whether we agree or disagree.

and i think it's time to meet more people with whom i disagree. it's just time.

"miss betsey, you look miserable,"

said one of my cheerleaders last night. that was because i decided it would be a good idea to run a couple of miles right before two hours of practice. worst idea ever. i'm sure she was right....i probably looked like i was undergoing torture. ha.

it's amazing that it's already wednesday. every week seems to be rolling by in similar fashion, no slowing down, just barreling past. less than three months til graduation? i don't believe it!

monday night was refreshing for my soul....hanging out with those two boys is always a joy and a comfort. i am so thankful for josh and jay :)

in fact, it turns out i have a LOT to be thankful for. so for that i say -- thank you, Lord!!