hate my father and mother?

i don't, but i'm beginning to see how this might work. maybe it's just that they think i do. maybe this is what i surrendered to - a life of my family not understanding why i choose this over them.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26-27

i want to know what Jesus meant when He said this. what He really, actually meant.

show me, God.

this crazy adventure called life

is taking me to mozambique, africa in less than two months. i still can't believe it.

i want to be obedient, Lord. but You know i'm scared. i'm so glad i have you to lean on. help me in my unbelief.

i said yes. now i need You to provide. i know You will, You always have.

help me, God!

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

i've never believed that more than i do now.

:)

this week, complete with a million things to do that maybe should have stressed me out, has made me pretty happy.

i like how this is going.

honestly okay.

i wish it bothered you. but so far, nothing. and that hurts a little. 

i've been praying frequently. i don't want to be bitter. when i realized that my anger had actually begun to form itself into hate, i was scared. hating someone is not something i want to do. i don't care who they are or what they did. hate is not from God. 

every day it gets easier. i realize that i feel better now. i need to spend time with people who value me, and i have been. part of me wanted so much for you to be one of those people. but if you're not, you're not. and you're not. 

it's hard to let go. but it's right. so i have, almost completely now. it's a process. 

i think what is so hard is the recent realization that my true friends at mc are few and far between. i have few enough that i can count them on my fingers (probably of one hand). and i considered you one of those. i didn't want to let go because then i'd have even less. but my perspective was skewed. 

God, send me encouragement when i feel alone. help me to lean on You, Jesus, to press into You. You will never leave or forsake me. i believe that. God, fill my heart with Your love and also with your wisdom. continue to guide me with all my relationships and give me clarity as to what your will is. God, rip out the bitter root and plant a seed of Your truth that will bear fruits of Your Spirit. You are beautiful, Jesus, and  i want my heart to look like Yours.

"let's pretend we're paleontologists!"

i love kids. babysitting always confirms just how much. sometimes the kids at work or the kids i keep can be a handful, but they say the funniest things. (like aj last week after a "bad behavior" day..."well miss b, thanks for putting up with us today!") and i just love having the chance to teach them something. be it as simple as - isn't the world beautiful? do you know that God made the whole world, even you and me!?

i love that.

so God gave me this plan for the kindergarteners at work. we will learn, on average, one new verse a week. last week we spent every day talking about Psalm 19:14 and what it means : "may the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to You, oh God." and i was amazed when, on the second day of saying it together, rashard started spouting it off for memory during homework time. it's so beautiful to see these kids learning Scripture, and just getting to talk to them about what it means. about letting the things we say and the things we think make God happy :) i really want those things to grow for them, to just take root in their hearts and to blossom as they realize what following Jesus is all about. these kids are the future, you know?

having said all this, i'm worried about teaching in public school. it's going to be hard for me to NOT slip this kind of thing into my lessons. my desire to teach these kids about the Lord is overridden by laws that say i'm infringing on their rights if i do so. yeah. that's gonna be hard. i really feel like God is calling me to teach in inner city Jackson for a season, and eventually to go overseas to teach. public school is where i'm feeling led. public school is gonna be hard for me. but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

i can't wait to adopt some beautiful children into my family as my own. i used to think it was dumb when people said things like - "i just know i was meant to be a mom." but now i could say the same thing. i AM a mom inside. truth. my own mother confirmed this the other day when she said at sunday lunch - "betsey, i think you'll be a really good mom." i couldn't have been happier.

anyways...time to stop before i get too excited.

i love kids. so much. i learn so much from them. what a precious gift. thank you, Jesus.

life comes at you fast

yep. sure does.

i'm trying not to feel in over my head with school. compared to my 21-hour semester in the spring, this semester is cake. truly. i'm also trying not to feel directionless, still, after two whole years of being in college. as far as being sure goes, i'm more sure now about being a teacher than i have been about anything else. but that doesn't mean i'm positive. i have a lot of doubts.

what is it with doubt? i think i think too much. i doubt virtually everything in my life these days. everything. i guess that's better than the alternative - simply accepting everything and being overly passive, and letting things get past me and being driven by others. but still. doubt is tiring. it can really drain a person.

on a different note...

my faith has grown a lot. i've realized a lot of hard things about myself and others. about the state of things these days. things that grieve me.

about myself - i've realized how capable i am of not being the person i want to be. how much of a struggle it is to obey the Lord, to really follow Christ. how sinful my flesh is. how much i need God. how easy it is to forget how much i need God. how unworthy i am, and how prideful i can be sometimes to actually believe that i have some merit, some good in and of myself. how anything good in me is there because God put it there. how hard it is for me to truly love others sometimes. how lazy and complacent i can be if i let up for even a day. how much, how much, how much i need Him.

about others - i've realized people are not what you think they are. i already knew this but the depth of it is shocking (for example, a friend that i went on a mission trip with being arrested for embezzling $100,000 - shocking). i've also realized how much most people hate the truth. how resistant we can be to hearing it and accepting it as true. how most of us dislike vulnerability and feeling weak. how much others struggle with the exact same things i do, and how much we could help each other if we simply started being real.

about the state of things - i've realized that the world, even my little world at MC - a Christian university, is full of darkness. i've realized that it's impossible to change people, to change situtations. how much the world needs Jesus, because only He can. how much we need to fall on our faces before Him and repent and beg for Him to move. no other answer, be it humanitarian or political or social or whatever, will ever solve anything. only Jesus is the way, truth and life. only He seeks and saves what is lost. i've realized that my disappointment in the church (by church i mean Christianity as a whole) does not, in fact, help the church one bit. how i need to ask Him for wisdom because He will give it generously, and then i will know His will and can act accordingly. how the church really just needs a dose of the for-real-in-your-face-loving-judging-living-breathing-spring of life-redeeming-suffering-holy-humble-healing Jesus. and i can't give them that. He can.

and that's comforting. i choose to cast out the discouragement of satan from my life in the name of Jesus Christ. i refuse to be a defeated, trampled, run down, crushed, despairing Christian. Jesus died for something much more.

i love you, God. thank you.

i am hard pressed on every side

but not crushed. perplexed, but not in despair. persecuted, but not abandoned. struck down, but not destroyed.

although...i do feel in despair. suddenly it seized me tonight. i feel alone.

i just truly don't have a lot of real friends.

i knew this already. so why is it bothering me so?