keep breathing.

what if people were like cartoon characters, and we always wore the same outfit? i think i would really enjoy that. it would make my life a lot easier, at least.

i had a good talk with some guys in new mens 219 tonight. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who struggles with doubt, skepticism, and questions. it's nice to hear honest reflections from real people who've been there. it's nice to speak freely and not be judged. everything about tonight was nice.

this is difficult. it's frustrating. it's confusing. but i think it's good for me. we shall see.

thank you ingrid michaelson for summing things up for me so well sometimes. your lyrics amaze me.

The storm is coming, but I don't mind; people are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep, I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing....

:)

today my day has been brightened by a complete stranger with a lot of pizzaz....if you are reading this, you gotta check out color me katie's blog, i promise it will bring a smile to your face! her creativity and enthusiasm for life inspire me :) i am going to do my own fun project this weekend...we'll see what happens!

i am ready for spring. may 8th, to be specific. graduation, how i long for you...the day when tests, classes, papers will be over - temporarily, at least.

i need some organization in my life. for real.

and a vacation.

spanish test in the morning....buenas noches!! :)

questions with no answers.

i love kids. they say the most hilarious things. last night at Bible club the kids were going to act out the story of Jesus walking on water, and two of the boys were fighting over who would be Jesus. at one point in the argument, xay exclaimed, "no, I'M Jesus, ya big dummy!!" oh my....so great. i love it.

a bunch of other stuff happened yesterday, but it's all big blur in my mind.

i think i have come to something that every Christian must face, a place of challenging what one believes and trying to make sense of all of it. i realized last week that i have never for a minute been outside the church, and yes, Christianity makes sense to me, but it's what i've always known. i don't have a deep understanding of many things about my faith, and i don't have answers to questions that someone outside the faith who is genuinely seeking might ask. this makes me a little angry, that i am 22 and just now deciding this is important. i find myself frustrated with the fact that i don't know, that i can't answer everything. last night ledge encouraged me to not be so upset with not knowing, that questions are good, but answers take time. i know he's right.

it's hard to continue serving right now. i feel my feeble faith has nothing to offer those around me....but i am in a position to lead, so i must lead. the emotions that accompany this are worse than the questions themselves. i feel angry, like i said, and also guilty, because i want to love God but right now i don't feel i even know Him.

this is far from over. i'm too far in to get out now.

how in the world

did i end up with so much stuff in my life? possessions, that is. moving back home has made me realize that i have WAY too much. the next few weeks (maybe months!) i will be cleaning out some of this nonsense, and giving it new homes. i wish it would migrate elsewhere on its own....

i am just spoiled. end of story.

today was the 5k....i finished right at 36 minutes. not remarkable by any means, but who's counting? i got free chapstick and chick-fil-a coupons - be jealous. and it was really fun to see hannah today and to do this together. i'm lookin forward to running lots of races with her in the future (although, technically we didn't run it together, as she finished in 28 minutes...ha).

this is the shallow account of my day. other things are on my mind, but they're still in progress. so for now....goodnight :)

whataday

bad news first, cause that's how we roll. i think my mac got stolen today. there was a nice chunk of time in which it sat in the trunk of my car while i was downtown, and now it's nowhere to be found....but i'm crossing my fingers that maybe, just maybe, i misplaced it at school and that some honest guy or gal turned it in. after all, a Christian university, right? i'm not holding my breath, though. and i'm trying to maintain the perspective that it's just a thing. not the end of the world. happens everyday....and today might've just been my day. life goes on.

okay, on to more positive things. the weather was absolutely marvelous today. i had some of the best gumbo i've ever had in my life for lunch, made by mission first's very own lee thigpen - it was delicious! i had dinner with my dear friend josh and we talked about life for the first time in a long while, which was nice. and then i went to rachelle's and played apples to apples with the crew, during which i laughed so hard i cried and thought i might puke. the seratonin levels in my brain are currently off the charts. so all in all, a delightful day. the good outweighs the bad here, i would say.

tomorrow morning i'm running my first 5k ever. i'm nervous, and i'll probably be the deadest dead last, staggering across the finish line, but everyone's got to start somewhere, right? i'll feel good just knowing i did it. so here goes nothing.

sleepy time.

oh, buddy.

my thoughts have certainly been stirred up as of late. i am genuinely having trouble processing all these new ideas. but the challenge to my faith has been enjoyable, and i realize it's crucial to question beliefs that i have blindly held for so long....in my opinion, only good can come from all this thinking. in the end, i will hopefully have my own well-developed and sound viewpoints on some of this stuff. for now, i am searching.

lent began yesterday, and as i prayed about what i might give up during these 40 days the Lord revealed to me how i fill every bit of silence with music. i must admit, i am a little obsessed with music. so for lent, i am giving up listening to music in my car. instead i'm gonna try to spend that time talking to Jesus....and that has already proven to be a challenge. i spend a good deal of time in my car since i commute to school (30 mins each way) and also have to drive to jackson to go to work (which factors in another 30 mins or so). so in the two days of lent so far, i have realized that, sadly, i have little to say to God. i know that prayer is not all about me babbling at God, and that silence is significant for allowing God to speak to me. but i'm admitting that there have been times of awkward silence....which means our relationship isn't at all where i want it to be yet. also, it's hard to keep my mind focused on the Lord. once i quit praying aloud, i found my thoughts wandering every which way, which in a sense defeats the purpose. this is going to take some serious mental discipline.

the cool thing about lent this year is that it ends on easter, which just so happens to also be my birthday. so the day of celebration that completes the season of lent will be even more meaningful this year :)

i don't want to be a square. i want my mind to be free and open to new ideas, new thoughts, and people that are different from myself. i don't ever want to come across as arrogant, or self-righteous, or judgmental, or negative or rude. i want to be gracious and loving and kind and caring and interested in everyone, whether we agree or disagree.

and i think it's time to meet more people with whom i disagree. it's just time.

"miss betsey, you look miserable,"

said one of my cheerleaders last night. that was because i decided it would be a good idea to run a couple of miles right before two hours of practice. worst idea ever. i'm sure she was right....i probably looked like i was undergoing torture. ha.

it's amazing that it's already wednesday. every week seems to be rolling by in similar fashion, no slowing down, just barreling past. less than three months til graduation? i don't believe it!

monday night was refreshing for my soul....hanging out with those two boys is always a joy and a comfort. i am so thankful for josh and jay :)

in fact, it turns out i have a LOT to be thankful for. so for that i say -- thank you, Lord!!

nope....nuns are way nicer.

so this valentine's day was full of unexpected surprises....my favorite of all having to be the beautiful yellow roses grace's daddy brought me. i love gary mayor. his thoughtfulness made my day...and yellow roses are my fave!

we also went to the rodeo....nuff said.

this weekend, upon reflecting on God's love, something finally made sense to me. God doesn't love because he's loving, he loves because He is love. love is the very essence of who he is, his very nature. he loves us because he can't help but love us....it was in his love that he created me. so in spite of all i may do that is undeserving of his love, and despite the fact that many times i wouldn't blame him if he were to stop loving me....he loves me. because HE IS LOVE. wow.

so, what do you do when someone turns out to be the opposite of everything they claim? sometimes, this happens and you really wish it hadn't been that way...cause when you finally quit being cynical and put your trust in someone again, it sucks to once again be disappointed.

i'm just losing my faith in humanity.

ya feel me?

sorry i'm so boring.

the ladies' day was beautiful. only about 7 or 8 ladies came....but i think they were just the ones who needed to be there. i'm really glad mom got to be there with me, too. i got to share the devotional - talked about romans 5:8 and God's unconditional love for us...that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. a lot of the ladies really opened up and shared, and i think it was a special time for everyone. it was so much fun to get to pamper these sweet women and really demonstrate our love, and the love of Christ, for them. sarah lancaster did the ladies' nails, and mary margaret and her friend sarah came and made journals with us. they are going to be transforming one of the upstairs apartments at the faith house into an art studio and teaching lessons for free downtown...and mary margaret wants me to come take some photos! i am really excited about helping her with that in the days to come :)

we picked out a paint color for my room. i think this is going to be a fun project for me and my mom. we've already been spending so much more time together since i've been home and i absolutely love it. we also went to bath junkie this evening (one of the greatest stores on earth, you customize your own bath products with the scent and color you want)....so of course i took a bath as soon as i got home, and it was divine. have i mentioned i love being home? cause i really do.

i hope my posts don't get boring now that i am writing more....but i have a feeling some of them will be.....i mean they are about my life....

i miss james. a lot.

reading time!!

snow day

was wonderful. a much needed respite. although after my sick day yesterday, this is adding up to be a 4-day weekend - monday's gonna be tough!

i'm reading they like Jesus but not the church for my ministry class, and it is truly challenging me. we actually only had to read certain chapters for our group projects, but i enjoyed what i was assigned so much that i went back to start from the very beginning. first of all, i've come to the sobering realization that i have very few friends outside the church, or the "Christian subculture" as kimball describes it. i've also realized that oftentimes i'm just plain selfish. self-centered. i don't want to be that way anymore. i need to slow down and take every opportunity to befriend folks along the way. this book has made me step back and say - whoah. it could be that i am part of the problem - and at first that really sucked to admit. but it's already been so liberating. i'm ready to make some changes...and dan kimball is giving me a good idea of what those changes might look like.

in other scholastic news, we had to do projects on different books of the pentateuch in my class on, you guessed it, the pentateuch. although i prayed against it, my group got assigned leviticus. i was shocked, however, when i found myself actually enjoying the research for the project....i truly learned a great deal (more than i even needed for the presentation!) and it feels good to finally have conquered the one book of the Bible that i never before cared to read. as callie (one of my group members) said, "you know, now i might actually read leviticus again sometime....before i die."

well, i am really enjoying being facebook-free. it has given me time to do other things - like write on this blog. which is probably equally trivial. but i feel this has a bit more purpose to it, perhaps. either way, not having facebook is great for me...i think i'm done forever.

on that note, this day needs to be done. early morning tomorrow -- we are having our ladies' luncheon for the homeless women downtown and i need to get things together for it beforehand. i pray that they experience God's deep love for them in a tangible way.

buenas noches, mis amigos...(si alguien esta leyendo?)

outside

the snowing is falling...it just started a bit ago. supposedly we're going to get 4-6 inches, but i'll believe it when i see it. i have been inside all day as i woke up this morning feeling extremely under the weather (and how sad to be under this weather!)....i am hoping that classes will indeed be cancelled, or at least that enough snow will fall to make it reasonable/excusable for me to not commute to campus. i made preparations for a long day inside by renting movies and getting milk (to go with the cookies i plan to bake, yeah yeah). even though i slept a ton today i think i'm about to do that some more.

i just have to say that it is really nice to be living at home again.

i have time to rest and room to breathe....it feels good.

sunday afternooon i am preparing to take my first sunday afternoon nap in 1 year and 8 months.....it's going to be glorious!! :) sunday will be sabbath once again. i love it.

for now, that is all....goodnight little world.

comforting words.

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come down,

even if to write upon my heart

to remind me who You are.