thoughts
drip
then trickle
then rush down
like a waterfall
become a flood
until you're drowning
submerged
held under by
the weight of them all
make it to the surface, but
you're gasping for air
and you can't
can't
can't breathe and 
you're not sure
you want to anymore
will it always be
a struggle
to survive?

feeling the same way all over again.

The truth resounds and in my mind I recognize it's true
but my heart is heavy and remains unmoved by you.
I want to feel the joy that I once knew.
God, take this heart of stone and give me one that's new.
The light has left my eyes, but I think that they can see
Lately my whole life has been about nothing but me.
I know you died that I would be set free
Somehow I've settled for just letting things be.

(found this poem in my old journal...and it seems about right at the moment)

writer's block

Blank page, blank slate.

Try to tell myself that

empty can be good if you let it

Fill

with something real.

Not mere

vowels and consonants

hung together by accentuation and punctuation

and pause

Forming complete thoughts

which are

completely and utterly separate

from who you are.

No.

I will delve into this

void until I uncover

meaning.

'Til from the darkness

bursts glorious

light, gleaming.

Oh, black hole you

will not swallow me whole.

You may take my body but you

can never have my soul.

on earth as it is in heaven.

Here I sit on my cot, in a little house made of plywood and screens, listening to the Madames sing praise songs in the room adjacent to mine. The only light I now have is the light of this computer screen. Tonight is my fifth night at OLTCH, and I love it here. I have fallen in love with the kids, especially the little boys, who constantly hunt me down to inform me it's time for me to read to them, and who line up at night for kisses and hugs. Oh, they are so precious. It makes me shudder to think of where they were before they came here. It makes me shudder to think of all the kids out there who still live such nightmares everyday.

Today we went to eat in town with three other ladies, one of whom works in the area, the two other ladies her visitors. She shared with us how she'd gone to the Haitian police to report the director of an orphanage in town who was raping the children there, and how enraged she'd been when they did nothing. My heart sunk, and I felt naseous - and still do, writing about it. That someone who was entrusted these precious lives was abusing his power in such a sick way, while those who were capable of putting an end to it stood by apathetically. What do you do in the face of such darkness and injustice? The mere thought of it makes me feel so completely helpless. The only thing I know is...pray.

Let your kingdom come, let your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Oh, Jesus, you are the only one who brings restoration to all the brokenness. Let your kingdom come! We need you now, Jesus. Haiti needs you now.

You have given me a vision, and I find myself having to fight to protect it - already. I want to say that I resolve not to let anything stand between me and the vision you've laid on my heart...but oh, I cannot even say this with certainty. I know myself, and I know better than anyone my own fickleness, my own pride, my own shortcomings. But now I see something different happening in me that I can't explain. There's a passion driving me that cannot be contained.

I will fight to protect this vision you've given...and I will do whatever it takes to see it through.

because of who you are.

Have you ever been in a situation that caused you to take a step back and evaluate the relationships in your life? Maybe you realized that the people you thought were your true friends only hung around when it was beneficial for them...or that a person you love and would do anything for, only loves you because of just that - you'd do anything for him or her? Or maybe you've experienced exactly the opposite, and have come to realize that your motives in a relationship are completely selfish and your love for that person superficial.

Today I was mulling over this. This is a huge fear I have: the fear that the people I am closest to love me, not for who I am, but for what I do for them. What a painful experience to find this true of someone that you deeply love - to the core, unconditional, cross-sea-and-land, I-would-take-a-bullet-for-you love.

And, oh, what pain we cause our Father, when we focus on the gifts instead of the gift Giver. When we love the creation more than the Creator. When we love Him, not for who He is, but for what He does for us.

God, you are so lovely, and so deserving of all my love - simply because of who you are.

my thoughts on politics.

It's possible that no one will ever read this, and I'm okay with that. I just have to get all these thoughts out of my head. Every election I feel these things, and it's time I put them into words.

I truly dislike politics. I know a lot of Christians who would try to shame me for my apathy and uninvolvement, but as much as I attempt to muster up some enthusiasm for the candidates and issues, I cannot. People tell me it's my God-given duty to use the freedom I have in this great country and take a stand for the Lord - via the ballot, of course. But I will not.

It's not that I am politically uninformed or ignorant. I researched Amendment 26 as much as, if not a great deal more than, most people who voted today. I read articles and watched videos from both sides. I'm intelligent enough to take that information and discern what is true and what is not.

It's not that I have no opinion, either. I do, and I'll happily share it with you over a cup of coffee, in person, face to face - although I must admit, there are plenty of other things I'd rather talk to you about, like God's word, or Haiti, or downtown Jackson, or poetry. But when I speak my mind (on any issue), I want there to be no mistaking why I believe what I do. I want there to be zero room for anyone to take my words and change their intention. I want you to understand my heart.

That's the problem with politics. Politics isn't about the heart. It's about writing things down in black ink on white paper, for all the world to read and debate and dissect and amend and interpret. But it doesn't matter how many "victories" Christians in politics may have, they will never be able to change hearts.

All throughout God's word, we read about God's love of justice. We serve a just God. He has a heart full of compassion for the hopeless and helpless, for those who cannot speak or stand up for themselves - the oppressed, the widow, the orphan, the fatherless. We as Christians are called to be part of God's redemptive work by advocating on their behalf.

For this reason, it would be foolish to say that Christ-followers shouldn't be involved in politics, ever. God can certainly use Christians in the realm of politics to accomplish things for His kingdom. To me, however, it's just so delicate. We must speak truth in love, we must be careful not to let political issues divide us, we must constantly and very consciously strive to seek His will in all things and not lean on our own understanding.

Above all, we must recognize that no amount of good legislation or godly leadership can change the real issues. The real issues stem from hearts that need Jesus. Let us speak as passionately about the day of His return as we do about election day. Let us not lift up the names of candidates, but the name of our King, Jesus. In Him we trust, right?

"His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed." - Daniel 7:14