i have found the answer

on earth as it is in heaven.

2012-01-14T18:59:00.005-06:00

Here I sit on my cot, in a little house made of plywood and screens, listening to the Madames sing praise songs in the room adjacent to mine. The only light I now have is the light of this computer screen. Tonight is my fifth night at OLTCH, and I love it here. I have fallen in love with the kids, especially the little boys, who constantly hunt me down to inform me it's time for me to read to them, and who line up at night for kisses and hugs. Oh, they are so precious. It makes me shudder to think of where they were before they came here. It makes me shudder to think of all the kids out there who still live such nightmares everyday.

Today we went to eat in town with three other ladies, one of whom works in the area, the two other ladies her visitors. She shared with us how she'd gone to the Haitian police to report the director of an orphanage in town who was raping the children there, and how enraged she'd been when they did nothing. My heart sunk, and I felt naseous - and still do, writing about it. That someone who was entrusted these precious lives was abusing his power in such a sick way, while those who were capable of putting an end to it stood by apathetically. What do you do in the face of such darkness and injustice? The mere thought of it makes me feel so completely helpless. The only thing I know is...pray.

Let your kingdom come, let your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Oh, Jesus, you are the only one who brings restoration to all the brokenness. Let your kingdom come! We need you now, Jesus. Haiti needs you now.

2012-01-10T21:47:00.003-06:00

You have given me a vision, and I find myself having to fight to protect it - already. I want to say that I resolve not to let anything stand between me and the vision you've laid on my heart...but oh, I cannot even say this with certainty. I know myself, and I know better than anyone my own fickleness, my own pride, my own shortcomings. But now I see something different happening in me that I can't explain. There's a passion driving me that cannot be contained.

I will fight to protect this vision you've given...and I will do whatever it takes to see it through.

because of who you are.

2012-01-04T22:03:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been in a situation that caused you to take a step back and evaluate the relationships in your life? Maybe you realized that the people you thought were your true friends only hung around when it was beneficial for them...or that a person you love and would do anything for, only loves you because of just that - you'd do anything for him or her? Or maybe you've experienced exactly the opposite, and have come to realize that your motives in a relationship are completely selfish and your love for that person superficial.

Today I was mulling over this. This is a huge fear I have: the fear that the people I am closest to love me, not for who I am, but for what I do for them. What a painful experience to find this true of someone that you deeply love - to the core, unconditional, cross-sea-and-land, I-would-take-a-bullet-for-you love.

And, oh, what pain we cause our Father, when we focus on the gifts instead of the gift Giver. When we love the creation more than the Creator. When we love Him, not for who He is, but for what He does for us.

God, you are so lovely, and so deserving of all my love - simply because of who you are.

my thoughts on politics.

2011-11-09T00:08:00.009-06:00

It's possible that no one will ever read this, and I'm okay with that. I just have to get all these thoughts out of my head. Every election I feel these things, and it's time I put them into words.

I truly dislike politics. I know a lot of Christians who would try to shame me for my apathy and uninvolvement, but as much as I attempt to muster up some enthusiasm for the candidates and issues, I cannot. People tell me it's my God-given duty to use the freedom I have in this great country and take a stand for the Lord - via the ballot, of course. But I will not.

It's not that I am politically uninformed or ignorant. I researched Amendment 26 as much as, if not a great deal more than, most people who voted today. I read articles and watched videos from both sides. I'm intelligent enough to take that information and discern what is true and what is not.

It's not that I have no opinion, either. I do, and I'll happily share it with you over a cup of coffee, in person, face to face - although I must admit, there are plenty of other things I'd rather talk to you about, like God's word, or Haiti, or downtown Jackson, or poetry. But when I speak my mind (on any issue), I want there to be no mistaking why I believe what I do. I want there to be zero room for anyone to take my words and change their intention. I want you to understand my heart.

That's the problem with politics. Politics isn't about the heart. It's about writing things down in black ink on white paper, for all the world to read and debate and dissect and amend and interpret. But it doesn't matter how many "victories" Christians in politics may have, they will never be able to change hearts.

All throughout God's word, we read about God's love of justice. We serve a just God. He has a heart full of compassion for the hopeless and helpless, for those who cannot speak or stand up for themselves - the oppressed, the widow, the orphan, the fatherless. We as Christians are called to be part of God's redemptive work by advocating on their behalf.

For this reason, it would be foolish to say that Christ-followers shouldn't be involved in politics, ever. God can certainly use Christians in the realm of politics to accomplish things for His kingdom. To me, however, it's just so delicate. We must speak truth in love, we must be careful not to let political issues divide us, we must constantly and very consciously strive to seek His will in all things and not lean on our own understanding.

Above all, we must recognize that no amount of good legislation or godly leadership can change the real issues. The real issues stem from hearts that need Jesus. Let us speak as passionately about the day of His return as we do about election day. Let us not lift up the names of candidates, but the name of our King, Jesus. In Him we trust, right?

"His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed." - Daniel 7:14

2011-06-19T00:17:00.001-05:00

have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, and seen the person you truly are, deep down inside?

i did. and it's pretty scary.

God, help me.

letting go.

2011-06-06T23:57:00.003-05:00

sometimes the only thing left to do is just move on. this is hard to do, when we're talking about relationships that once were a significant part of your life.

i have been remembering lately that very few people will stay in my life for always. most are just for a season. this is difficult for me to understand, and even more challenging to accept.

i need to open my hands a bit more. let things be given and taken as they will, and quit clinging so tightly when it's their time to go. i can't fight for them all. and at times it's braver to say goodbye.

help me be brave right now.

te amo de pablo neruda

2011-05-18T00:05:00.001-05:00

Te amo,

te amo de una manera inexplicable,

de una forma inconfesable,

de un modo contradictorio.

Te amo

con mis estados de ánimo que son muchos,

y cambian de humor continuamente.

por lo que ya sabes,

el tiempo, la vida, la muerte.

Te amo...

con el mundo que no entiende,

con la gente que no comprende,

con la ambivalencia de mi alma,

con la incoherencia de mis actos,

con la fatalidad del destino,

con la conspiración del deseo,

con la ambigüedad de los hechos.

Aún cuando te digo que no te amo, te amo,

hasta cuando te engaño, no te engaño,

en el fondo, llevo a cabo un plan,

para amarte mejor.

Te amo...

sin reflexionar, inconscientemente,

irresponsablemente, espontáneamente,

involuntariamente, por instinto,

por impulso, irracionalmente.

En efecto no tengo argumentos lógicos,

ni siquiera improvisados

para fundamentar este amor que siento por ti,

que surgió misteriosamente de la nada,

que no ha resuelto mágicamente nada,

y que milagrosamente, de a poco, con poco y nada

ha mejorado lo peor de mí.

Te amo,

te amo con un cuerpo que no piensa,

con un corazón que no razona,

con una cabeza que no coordina.

Te amo

incomprensiblemente,

sin preguntarme por qué te amo,

sin importarme por qué te amo,

sin cuestionarme por qué te amo.

Te amo

sencillamente porque te amo,

yo mismo no sé por qué te amo.

love poem #1

2011-05-10T22:40:00.001-05:00

when the night falls soft and silent

when the world has gone to sleep

here I sit awaiting words

that you will gently speak to me

speak to me of depth and beauty

of love and trust and human hearts

how we turn so very quickly

how we swiftly fall apart

speak to me of restoration

of the work your hands can do

of the sweetness of salvation

of the rest I find in you

tell me how you formed the mountains

how you put the stars in place

how you breathe your life and meaning

into this lonely human race

here I sit in awe and wonder

hanging on your every word

with each beat my heart grows fonder

my only wish – to love you more

wait.

2011-05-03T01:55:00.002-05:00

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..." - Psalm 37:7

"Lord, I wait for you; You will answer, Lord my God." - Psalm 38:15

In the midst of confusing circumstances, this is our best possible response. To be still and wait. So often we lose heart and find ourselves despairing. Or we become impatient and we try to fix things in our own way. Instead we must quiet our hearts and minds, and wait. The answers will come in His time, but we will not see them if we are frantically searching for man-made solutions.

Help us to be still and wait. We need you now more than ever.

fix you.

2011-04-20T01:54:00.002-05:00

when you try your best but you don't succeed

when you get what you want but not what you need

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep

stuck in reverse

when the tears come streaming down your face

when you lose something you can't replace

when you love someone but it goes to waste

could it be worse

lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and i will try....to fix you

high up above or down below

when you're too in love to let it go

but if you never try, you'll never know

just what you're worth

lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and i will try...to fix you

2011-04-19T00:24:00.002-05:00

sometimes life is so beautiful and i find myself so filled with joy i feel as if i will absolutely burst. today is one of those times.

i am so blessed in a million billion ways. mostly in the form of the lovely people i have been fortunate to know and love and have love me back. tonight just thinking about them brings a smile to my face.

that's all i have to say.

the dandelion song.

2011-04-15T00:34:00.002-05:00

the other day I picked a dandelion

and on it wished you’d speak to me

and honestly, we both know I’d be lying

if I said things were how they used to be

sometimes things change, and honey, people too

although I fear I never was

the person you imagined that you knew

but it’s okay, it’s okay because

oh time and time and time will tell

how this crazy story ends

i wish, I wish, I wish, I wish you well

and oh, how I wish we were still friends

i’m not sure how many apologies

you needed to decide I cared

but I refuse to get down on my knees

while you disinterestingly stare

i said my piece and now I must be going

along my merry little way

the distance between us just keeps on growing

maybe our paths will meet again some day

oh time and time and time will tell

how this crazy story ends

i wish, I wish, I wish, I wish you well

and oh, how I wish we were still friends

jackson, mississippi.

2011-04-09T01:50:00.002-05:00

they have a lot of things to say about you

they say you’re dangerous, and dirty

but deep inside I know I’ve found the truth

oh, there’s just no place like my city

the sun it shines upon your broken glass

filling your sidewalks all with diamonds

then nighttime comes, a perfect kind of peace

in midst of engines’ roars and sirens

you’re beautiful, oh, beautiful

you’re always home to me

you’re beautiful, so beautiful

my Jackson, Mississippi

i have been around this whole big world

and i have seen a lot of places

no matter where I find myself, I’ve found

i cannot forget your faces

your unassuming manner stole my heart

your quiet boisterous disregard

your sunsets falling over railroad tracks

your streets are lovely

your streets are ours

you’re beautiful, oh, beautiful

you’re always home to me

you’re beautiful, so beautiful

my Jackson, Mississippi

a lifetime of memories flood my mind

when they speak your name

there’s nowhere else in the universe

that could make me feel the same

I know I'm 22....

2011-03-02T18:38:00.002-06:00

...but I miss my Mommy.

That is all.

2011-02-27T01:00:00.002-06:00

So no more messing around. Determination. Let's do this. Italian, drums, running, reading the word....no more complacency. Growth.

This whole Mexico thing has been really good for me. Thank you so much, God, for letting me be here. Thank you for the opportunity you're giving me to grow, even when that means facing my own shortcomings, things that I don't always want to see in myself. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for using the people around me here to teach me, to inspire me, to encourage me, and to bless me so immensely. Guide me and show me the things you want me to pursue while I'm here. Help me to be faithful and do all for your glory, with all that I am. Fill me with love and passion and enthusiasm and joy that is contagious. And help me to overflow with your word of life....help me to use what you've given me to bless others. Help me to focus on you. Forgive me for the times I've lost sight and have become discouraged. Thank you that you are always with me. You are the best. Seriously. And every day I'm more amazed at how incredibly creative you are...how did you come up with all of this, God? You are awesome. I'm hoping that some of that rubs off on me ;) I love you, love you, love you!!!

Quiero enamorarme mas de ti, quiero enamorarme mas de ti....

mania at its finest.

2010-11-26T03:17:00.003-06:00

Today (or rather, yesterday) was Thanksgiving. Holidays are always strangely sad to me. I can't help it, but I'm not the only one, either.

I have nearly accepted the fact that sleeping at normal hours is basically impossible for me. It is almost half past three and I'm still chugging away. I've scoured my entire room, balanced my checkbook, read some, taken a bubble bath, and begun an autobiography which will one day be nationally acclaimed as a New York Times bestseller. My stomach has been intensely growling for several hours but I've managed to ignore it. I'm on a roll.

This is my life now. I think I'm crazy.

in me you may have peace.

2010-11-23T00:30:00.004-06:00

As I sit on my front porch, the air is perfectly cool, the crickets chirp and the wind rustles the leaves, and in spite of all the thoughts stirring in my head and the burdens heavy on my heart, I feel peace.

Peace because I know my life is headed towards something oh-so-good.

Peace because I know there is one who walks with me into the uncertainty of each day ahead, for he promised never to leave or forsake me.

Peace because I've seen enough to know that I can trust you with my life, my whole life.

Peace. Your peace surpasses all human understanding. And I think it really sets you apart from the rest. No one else can put me so at ease. This is real, right here.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid....I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - some of the greatest words of comfort ever spoken (John 14:27, 16:33)

precious faces.

2010-11-22T01:06:00.006-06:00

I'm working on a photo album, a Christmas present for each of my girls at Mission First. Looking at all these pictures of their sweet faces is making me so very sad....I'm going to miss them so much. Here's a little preview:

Aren't they beautiful?? I wish I could pack them in my suitcase.

Come December 2nd, I'm going to be bawling like a baby. I stink at goodbyes.

love is messy sometimes.

2010-11-21T00:21:00.006-06:00

I want to write about this now, so I never forget.

Tonight some of the college students and I loaded up some food and jackets and headed downtown. At the bus station I was surprised to see a lady I know fairly well, through my time working at We Will Go. She and her four kids were waiting for a van that comes to pick people up and take them to a nearby church gymnasium, where folks can find temporary shelter in the cold months. I was horrified to see some of her kids were walking around the bus station barefoot, and sent one of our students to get shoes for them right away. Long story short, we ended up at their apartment complex about an hour later, delivering the shoes. We came inside the apartment and my heart broke at all I saw. There was hardly any furniture, just a dingy couch and a table in the corner. Dirty clothes were everywhere, the floor was filthy, and the whole place smelled terrible due to William's bulging dirty diaper and another of the children, who was covered in his own urine. Their mom seemed to be in her own world, totally disconnected as we played with the kids and put the clean socks and new shoes on their feet. They were overjoyed. Finally I knelt down beside the couch to speak with Susanna. I asked her if there was anything more we could do. She told me she didn't really want to be in this situation, and promptly called her man into the house and quietly asserted the same. The level of his voice began to steadily rise as did my level of discomfort. I said nothing else until he left the room, then wrote down my number and told her to call if she needed anything, anything at all. I pray she does.

What broke my heart more than anything was realizing my deficit of love and selflessness. I watched as Bethany, a girl from our group, picked up the kid with the seriously dirty diaper and held him tight. He had come to me first, with arms extended, wanting to be held....and I didn't hold him, because I didn't want to get dirty. Watching her love them so fully was beautiful to me, and really convicting. I was ashamed of my own actions in light of hers.

I never want to fail at loving someone again, merely because I don't want to get messy.

I still have much to learn about Your love. I was truly humbled tonight...help me remember what I saw. Amen.

keep breathing.

2010-11-20T00:05:00.003-06:00

"the storm is coming, but i don't mind. people are dying, i close my blinds. all that i know is i'm breathing now. i want to change the world - instead, i sleep. i want to believe in more than you and me. all that i know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing...." (ingrid michaelson)

these lyrics really resonate with me. they basically sum up what depression does to me. all the passion i have for life is overwhelmed by numb, and all i can do is keep breathing.

the past few days have been hard. i'm not going to lie. i've still made myself do things and be with people, but it has by no means been easy. the worst part about this is that i know those close to me suffer along with me. i try not to let it affect the way i act, but i spend most of my day trying to pretend like things are fine, and by the time i get around my real friends i'm exhausted of that.

for months now i've considered going to see a psychiatrist. counseling has helped a lot, but i still feel really out of control sometimes. but at this point it feels like it's too late. i leave in six weeks, which doesn't give enough time to even discern whether or not the medicine is right for me or working properly and all that. realizing this makes me feel trapped. i know God is going to take care of me, because he certainly has so far. i've just recently allowed myself the freedom in my mind to utilize the resources he's placed out there, though. but now i feel like medicine isn't much of an option, not before mexico.

last night i was restless. i tried laying outside in the cold listening to music and playing the piano at the church. i finally headed home but when i got there, instead of pulling in the driveway, i kept driving. and cried. i drove the long way to downtown jackson, then past all the places where i'd normally go to visit the homeless. i didn't see a soul. finally i found one man, camped on a bench at a covered bus stop. i parked my car down the street and walked to where he was. he had a grocery cart in front of him, probably to block the wind. i tried making conversation and offered him a blanket, which he refused with a mere shake of his head. despite all my attempts, he never said a word, just kept shaking his head. it's a bad night when not even the homeless will talk to you. finally i simply went home, completely out of tears and energy.

what a week.

i'm thankful that You get me.

Mexico bound.

2010-11-17T22:56:00.002-06:00

I have five more after-school days with my kids at Mission First. After 2 and a half years working with them, it seems unreal. I love them so much more than I can say. I'm gonna miss those little boogers.

Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.

48 days 'til Mexico. I feel more ready than I ever have. Sure, it'll be difficult, probably in ways I would never anticipate. But after all I've been going through lately...bring it on.

God, thank you for blessing my life. I thank you that you love me enough to have prepared good works in advance for me to do! What an incredible thought, Lord! It's such an honor to work for you and with you. I can't wait to see what Mexico holds for me....what you hold for me there. I love you. Please help me to stay focused on you and to serve you well in these last days here. You are worthy of my best no matter where I am. You are good, oh Lord. Thank you for loving me....

Faithfulness.

2010-11-16T01:15:00.002-06:00

So often in these situations, I want to quit. Throw in the towel. Give up completely. I replay in my mind time after time when I've been in the exact same moment, dealing with the same pain, the same disappointment. I wonder if it'll ever go away, or more importantly, if it's even worth waiting out to see. I feel desperate, and worse, I feel alone.

And every time, without fail, Jesus, you step in. You speak words of love to me. You remind me that you will never leave or forsake me. That you are the lifter of my head, and the strength of my life. That you are with me. That you will sustain me. That you hear me. That you care. That you are working things out, even though I may not see it just yet.

And that is more than enough for me.

For your faithfulness, Jesus, thank you. I absolutely adore you.

by grace through faith

2010-11-14T23:27:00.004-06:00

Brother Phil's sermon this morning was such a beautiful reminder to me of some things God has been teaching me. In a nutshell: we cannot live lives pleasing to God in our own power; we must allow His power to work through us. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that it is only by God's grace we are saved, not by our own works, so that no one has any room to boast. By God's grace we received Christ. Paul writes in Colossians, "just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him." (Colossians 2:6) By grace through faith we received him. By grace through faith we walk with him daily, not striving in our own strength, but, as Paul writes, "struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." (Colossians 1:29)

Understanding this truth brings such freedom. It is not by any merit of my own, but only because of Christ in me, that I have the hope of glory. Legalism perishes, and I am left to follow Jesus with reckless abandon, by grace through faith.

The Lord will receive me.

2010-11-14T00:33:00.004-06:00

Last night I nearly had a meltdown.

I won't go into all the details, but I was feeling neglected. I'm leaving the country in two months, and I've had almost no quality time with my family for a while. Tears were filling my eyes, and I started to turn the music up to blast out my own thoughts. Instead I turned it off completely, and began talking to God. I asked him, as I will admit I so often do, why? Why is my family broken like it is? Why couldn't things have worked out differently? And why do they seem to be steadily getting worse? This is hard, God.

A Scripture reference popped into my head, seemingly from thin air. Psalm 27:10. I had a sneaking suspicion of what it was, but I wasn't certain. I headed to the church's prayer room and opened my Bible. Yep.

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."

Amazing how God reminds me that He's there. Even when I feel like no one is - or when truly, no one is. He is my father. And He loves me. And even when those I love the most forsake me, He receives me with open arms. And puts new songs of joy in my heart. Thank you, Daddy!

My heart says seek His face, I will seek your face, I will seek your face. My desire is to be with you, in your dwelling place, in your dwelling place. You're my God....you're my God. I will not fear, my salvation is here. You are my light, you are the strength of my life.

No one reads this anyway.

2010-10-18T00:25:00.003-05:00

So I suppose I can use the space how I want. Finally I have begun to admit, to myself and to others, that I am struggling with depression. I have been for a very long time, but have been in deep denial, due to my own pride and desire to maintain a healthy image in front of others, as well as a plethora of reasons I had contrived to explain away all of the sleepless nights, lost weight, lack of appetite, irritability, disinterest, inability to focus, and desire to do nothing except curl up under the covers in my purple bed and sleep.

Just for the record: depression is not prolonged sadness. It's not something that can be "fixed" with ice cream or hugs or shoe shopping, or a good night's rest (which can be pretty hard to come by when you're depressed, anyway). If it were that easy, then I would have already fixed it. I'm a fairly smart and resourceful girl. I just finished Sylvia Plath's the bell jar - which one of my friends informed me was not beneficial reading material for a depressed person - and her description of depression made so much sense to me. Depression is like being stifled, suffocated in stale air, 'til all one's life and breath and energy is gone. It's a heaviness under which even the simplest tasks can appear insurmountable.

God and I have been back and forth lately. I know he can do anything, he could merely speak one word in his infinite power and heal my mind completely, once and for all. And I asked him why he won't - to be completely transparent, I have begged and pleaded for him to do so - to which I received no response. I realize God has an amazing knack for taking our human pain, trials, and suffering, and turning them into something beautiful that brings glory to his name. This is a skill for which I have always admired him greatly. I just hate that he insists on doing it in my life at the present time (and I hate that it is most likely a roundabout answer to some prayer or another of my very own, one of those prayers for patience or something of the sort). I also realize that I should probably be a bit more mature by this point in my journey, and just endure this hardship I'm going through with grace and poise. Instead I find myself falling to pieces at every turn. I tend to be messy when it comes to these types of things. Knowing God, and knowing he knows this about me, that's probably even part of his master plan - if I'm constantly broken, I'm dependent on him in a way I wouldn't be otherwise. So although it's currently quite hard for me to muster up emotion, there has been a different kind of intimacy between us lately that could be the cause for true rejoicing.

In his sermon this morning, the guest pastor shared a story that spoke directly to me. A man fell into a deep cavern and was trapped there for several weeks without food or water before he was found and rescued. When asked in an interview how he held out for so long, alone in such darkness, he replied that he could see a tiny pinpoint of light at the top and it gave him hope. I immediately placed myself in that story, in the depths of a cavern with darkness closing in all around. Right now, all I can see is a speck of light high above - but it's there, and it's enough.

I'm not giving up.

i'm 22....

2010-06-04T23:18:00.004-05:00

and just beginning to figure out who i am. which is funny, because some people seem to know all about me somehow. i had a long conversation with one of those people today, and it calmed my heart a little.

i am idealistic. because of this i have unrealistic expectations of myself. i set ridiculous goals and beat myself up when i can't reach them. i also always have to understand why...to see how all the pieces fit together to make the whole, to grasp why certain conclusions have been accepted instead of others. in every situation, i analyze and scrutinize and examine all the information before i'll even dare make a decision about it. even my risks are calculated.

for a while i've been discouraged because i haven't been disciplined or consistent enough in my walk with God. my friend challenged me to think about this: what is "enough?" i am not up to par in my spiritual life - by whose standards? faith by its very nature is a journey, a process...and you can't measure its progress in calculable, human terms. as much as i may want it to be, my faith is not and can never be a checklist. i need to relax a little, and view this as a relationship and not some formula i can solve - that way if i'm overlooking a variable it won't wreck my world when i find it later. i won't have to start from scratch every time i come to something that doesn't fit in my box.

i never really wanted to be one of those people. but i have been all along. go figure.

now what do i do?

walking just won't get it...

2010-05-18T00:14:00.003-05:00

i'm running. if i can't walk then i'll crawl, and i'll get up if i fall, gotta get to where you are. i'm running, and i won't stop for nothing. it gets hard but it's worth it when it's you, Lord, that i want.

discipline

2010-05-10T10:17:00.004-05:00

is something i don't have enough of, something that God has been speaking to me about big time lately. it's time for my life to be disciplined.

the analogies that the apostle paul used for the Christian life tell how important discipline is in the life of a believer - it's a race, and we are runners with a purpose and a prize in mind. it's a fight and we are not beating the air. it's a battle, the enemy is real and we must train and put on our full armor daily.

since i've started running more consistently, the running analogy has become more solid in my mind. every run is important when you're training - especially on the days when you don't feel like it, when you'd rather just skip it and sleep in. and if you skip it one day, it's easier to skip the next day, and the next, until before you know it, it's been weeks since your last run. in my life, i've found the same to be true of my time with the Lord. every day is important, and the days when i least feel like reading the word are the days when it's absolutely essential. and it's so easy to quit altogether after just one day slacking, and then weeks later wonder what went wrong.

not anymore. i'm ready for some serious spiritual training. let's go.

an update, finally.

2010-04-25T23:00:00.003-05:00

it's been a long time. i haven't had words for much lately....

i have one week left of college, then graduation. it has started to sink in a little, and i have been mostly sad. not about the schoolwork, of course. but some of the people at mississippi college have become such a precious part of my life...and i'm going to basically be starting over as they move on to marriage, graduate school, and "big people" jobs. and after the summer, i'll be moving too - to another country!

as carrie kirk told me, "the only one that likes change is a wet infant." humorous and true. i hate change...but it's time, and it's going to be good.

i'm looking forward to this summer....no obligations other than work, lots of time with the people who live around here, lots of reading, running, and playing :) and rest. i can't wait.

for now, it's time to focus. finish strong.

kids say the darndest things.

2010-03-10T22:21:00.002-06:00

it's amazing how a 20-minute run can change my whole outlook on life. lack of exercise has probably been a contributing factor to my crappy mood this week. apparently i need those endorphins more than i thought.

the expressions of kindness and love that have been shown to me over the past week are incredible. and an answer to prayer. things are still difficult but these people are a great help....i wish they could know how much.

today i am also thankful for one of my favorite kids on the planet, aj. he's gotten in the habit of coming up to me every afternoon, giving me a hug, looking up at me with those big brown eyes, and saying, "got any money?" to which i always respond, "no, i'm sorry aj. do you still love me?" his answer melts my heart. "of course!" and today he added, "why don't you got no money?" when i informed him i was "broke as a joke," he laughed and laughed like it was the best joke he'd ever heard. made my day.

i. love. that. child.

and i have the greatest job ever. end of story.

outstretched hands

2010-03-09T22:49:00.002-06:00

Could I talk to You? Are You listening?

Would You let me ask the questions that burn inside of me?
I am reaching out, I am holding on
Feel like one of Your affections

but not quite like I belong

I am numb today, everything's a blur
I've seen too much to deny, too little to be sure
Like a prodigal, like a distant son
I can see You from a distance
But I'm too ashamed to come

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand

I am scared to fall, scared to carry on
Am I losing to the cynic after running for so long?
There's a child in me, lost in mystery
But it's buried underneath the earth
Longing to be free

Will You see me through this valley?
Will You hold my outstretched hands?
As the world caves in around me
Will You help me understand?
Help me understand

ooh wee

2010-03-08T22:25:00.008-06:00

today was crazy long. overslept and was in a huge rush. parked in the closest lot so i could make it to my 8 o'clock, and of course got a ticket. went to class and bombed a quiz. went to tutor and had nothing prepared for my tutees. went to work and had a ton of volunteers, in front of whom four of my kids acted up in extraordinary fashion and had to be disciplined big time. went to bible club and felt like i was in another world the whole time. and then finally, went to our college night and was probably an incredible hindrance to all intelligent discussion....then ended up wandering around downtown jackson, ran into a man named raymond, and ended up getting him some food and a place to stay for the night. finally, at the very end of my day, i found my purpose in it. so this day was not a total waste. thank God.

in other news, i'm really enjoying my new camera and trying to use it everyday. here's a few shots from today:

spring is nearly here! i have proof!! :)

this was his "your joke isn't funny and makes no sense" face. i love it. what a great kid. a little bit unruly, but great nonetheless.

there you have it. my day. and now, at long last, goodnight.

sabbath

2010-03-07T19:28:00.008-06:00

a day of rest. sundays really are that to me again, and it feels so nice. this afternoon i wasn't sleepy, and the weather was delightful, so i grabbed my camera, hopped on my sister's bike, and went for a ride. what an enjoyable afternoon. i got to practice taking photos AND soak up some sun.

it was a nice day.

well,

2010-03-06T18:44:00.003-06:00

i feel better. nothing like an evening out with my favorite mission first girl to get my spirits up :) what a pleasant friday night.

the night before, thursday, i went with some folks from our college ministry to share about Jesus with complete strangers at belhaven....which was quite nerve-wracking at first, i must say. when i get nervous, i either get very quiet or extremely silly. thursday i was giggling like crazy and threatening ledge that i was going to run away. but i didn't, and i got to chat with some cool people. although apparently i have a skill for picking out people who are already Christians. but it was good to face that fear and just go "cold turkey." i think my faith needed that.

i think i'm starting to see the light. or at least....i feel lighter today.

it's saturday night. time to get out and see the world! goodbyeeeeeeee

urgh.

2010-03-03T21:19:00.002-06:00

even though i knew what the answer would be, i asked it anyway. stupid me. stupid, stupid, stupid me. grrr i am angry!!!

okay....vent over. deep breaths. moving on with my life.

this mission trip is coming together, for better or for worse. i am terribly unorganized so i'm thankful for others who have been helping me along the way. i don't know exactly who will end up coming on the trip, but whoever they may be, i pray that it will be a meaningful experience for them.

i feel so inadequate most all the time. today especially.

i think i just need a friend.

we've gotten the israelites out of egypt....and we're pressing onward, hopefully with breakneck speed. this WILL be accomplished. i've never been so determined about a thing in my life.

time to make it happen. peace OUT.

keep breathing.

2010-02-26T23:50:00.003-06:00

what if people were like cartoon characters, and we always wore the same outfit? i think i would really enjoy that. it would make my life a lot easier, at least.

i had a good talk with some guys in new mens 219 tonight. it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who struggles with doubt, skepticism, and questions. it's nice to hear honest reflections from real people who've been there. it's nice to speak freely and not be judged. everything about tonight was nice.

this is difficult. it's frustrating. it's confusing. but i think it's good for me. we shall see.

thank you ingrid michaelson for summing things up for me so well sometimes. your lyrics amaze me.

The storm is coming, but I don't mind; people are dying, I close my blinds. All that I know is I'm breathing now. I want to change the world, instead I sleep, I want to believe in more than you and me. But all that I know is I'm breathing, all I can do is keep breathing....

:)

2010-02-24T23:33:00.004-06:00

today my day has been brightened by a complete stranger with a lot of pizzaz....if you are reading this, you gotta check out color me katie's blog, i promise it will bring a smile to your face! her creativity and enthusiasm for life inspire me :) i am going to do my own fun project this weekend...we'll see what happens!

i am ready for spring. may 8th, to be specific. graduation, how i long for you...the day when tests, classes, papers will be over - temporarily, at least.

i need some organization in my life. for real.

and a vacation.

spanish test in the morning....buenas noches!! :)

questions with no answers.

2010-02-23T07:56:00.003-06:00

i love kids. they say the most hilarious things. last night at Bible club the kids were going to act out the story of Jesus walking on water, and two of the boys were fighting over who would be Jesus. at one point in the argument, xay exclaimed, "no, I'M Jesus, ya big dummy!!" oh my....so great. i love it.

a bunch of other stuff happened yesterday, but it's all big blur in my mind.

i think i have come to something that every Christian must face, a place of challenging what one believes and trying to make sense of all of it. i realized last week that i have never for a minute been outside the church, and yes, Christianity makes sense to me, but it's what i've always known. i don't have a deep understanding of many things about my faith, and i don't have answers to questions that someone outside the faith who is genuinely seeking might ask. this makes me a little angry, that i am 22 and just now deciding this is important. i find myself frustrated with the fact that i don't know, that i can't answer everything. last night ledge encouraged me to not be so upset with not knowing, that questions are good, but answers take time. i know he's right.

it's hard to continue serving right now. i feel my feeble faith has nothing to offer those around me....but i am in a position to lead, so i must lead. the emotions that accompany this are worse than the questions themselves. i feel angry, like i said, and also guilty, because i want to love God but right now i don't feel i even know Him.

this is far from over. i'm too far in to get out now.

how in the world

2010-02-20T23:04:00.003-06:00

did i end up with so much stuff in my life? possessions, that is. moving back home has made me realize that i have WAY too much. the next few weeks (maybe months!) i will be cleaning out some of this nonsense, and giving it new homes. i wish it would migrate elsewhere on its own....

i am just spoiled. end of story.

today was the 5k....i finished right at 36 minutes. not remarkable by any means, but who's counting? i got free chapstick and chick-fil-a coupons - be jealous. and it was really fun to see hannah today and to do this together. i'm lookin forward to running lots of races with her in the future (although, technically we didn't run it together, as she finished in 28 minutes...ha).

this is the shallow account of my day. other things are on my mind, but they're still in progress. so for now....goodnight :)

whataday

2010-02-19T22:54:00.002-06:00

bad news first, cause that's how we roll. i think my mac got stolen today. there was a nice chunk of time in which it sat in the trunk of my car while i was downtown, and now it's nowhere to be found....but i'm crossing my fingers that maybe, just maybe, i misplaced it at school and that some honest guy or gal turned it in. after all, a Christian university, right? i'm not holding my breath, though. and i'm trying to maintain the perspective that it's just a thing. not the end of the world. happens everyday....and today might've just been my day. life goes on.

okay, on to more positive things. the weather was absolutely marvelous today. i had some of the best gumbo i've ever had in my life for lunch, made by mission first's very own lee thigpen - it was delicious! i had dinner with my dear friend josh and we talked about life for the first time in a long while, which was nice. and then i went to rachelle's and played apples to apples with the crew, during which i laughed so hard i cried and thought i might puke. the seratonin levels in my brain are currently off the charts. so all in all, a delightful day. the good outweighs the bad here, i would say.

tomorrow morning i'm running my first 5k ever. i'm nervous, and i'll probably be the deadest dead last, staggering across the finish line, but everyone's got to start somewhere, right? i'll feel good just knowing i did it. so here goes nothing.

sleepy time.

oh, buddy.

2010-02-18T20:58:00.003-06:00

my thoughts have certainly been stirred up as of late. i am genuinely having trouble processing all these new ideas. but the challenge to my faith has been enjoyable, and i realize it's crucial to question beliefs that i have blindly held for so long....in my opinion, only good can come from all this thinking. in the end, i will hopefully have my own well-developed and sound viewpoints on some of this stuff. for now, i am searching.

lent began yesterday, and as i prayed about what i might give up during these 40 days the Lord revealed to me how i fill every bit of silence with music. i must admit, i am a little obsessed with music. so for lent, i am giving up listening to music in my car. instead i'm gonna try to spend that time talking to Jesus....and that has already proven to be a challenge. i spend a good deal of time in my car since i commute to school (30 mins each way) and also have to drive to jackson to go to work (which factors in another 30 mins or so). so in the two days of lent so far, i have realized that, sadly, i have little to say to God. i know that prayer is not all about me babbling at God, and that silence is significant for allowing God to speak to me. but i'm admitting that there have been times of awkward silence....which means our relationship isn't at all where i want it to be yet. also, it's hard to keep my mind focused on the Lord. once i quit praying aloud, i found my thoughts wandering every which way, which in a sense defeats the purpose. this is going to take some serious mental discipline.

the cool thing about lent this year is that it ends on easter, which just so happens to also be my birthday. so the day of celebration that completes the season of lent will be even more meaningful this year :)

i don't want to be a square. i want my mind to be free and open to new ideas, new thoughts, and people that are different from myself. i don't ever want to come across as arrogant, or self-righteous, or judgmental, or negative or rude. i want to be gracious and loving and kind and caring and interested in everyone, whether we agree or disagree.

and i think it's time to meet more people with whom i disagree. it's just time.

"miss betsey, you look miserable,"

2010-02-17T07:03:00.005-06:00

said one of my cheerleaders last night. that was because i decided it would be a good idea to run a couple of miles right before two hours of practice. worst idea ever. i'm sure she was right....i probably looked like i was undergoing torture. ha.

it's amazing that it's already wednesday. every week seems to be rolling by in similar fashion, no slowing down, just barreling past. less than three months til graduation? i don't believe it!

monday night was refreshing for my soul....hanging out with those two boys is always a joy and a comfort. i am so thankful for josh and jay :)

in fact, it turns out i have a LOT to be thankful for. so for that i say -- thank you, Lord!!

nope....nuns are way nicer.

2010-02-14T23:40:00.006-06:00

so this valentine's day was full of unexpected surprises....my favorite of all having to be the beautiful yellow roses grace's daddy brought me. i love gary mayor. his thoughtfulness made my day...and yellow roses are my fave!

we also went to the rodeo....nuff said.

this weekend, upon reflecting on God's love, something finally made sense to me. God doesn't love because he's loving, he loves because He is love. love is the very essence of who he is, his very nature. he loves us because he can't help but love us....it was in his love that he created me. so in spite of all i may do that is undeserving of his love, and despite the fact that many times i wouldn't blame him if he were to stop loving me....he loves me. because HE IS LOVE. wow.

so, what do you do when someone turns out to be the opposite of everything they claim? sometimes, this happens and you really wish it hadn't been that way...cause when you finally quit being cynical and put your trust in someone again, it sucks to once again be disappointed.

i'm just losing my faith in humanity.

ya feel me?

sorry i'm so boring.

2010-02-13T20:46:00.006-06:00

the ladies' day was beautiful. only about 7 or 8 ladies came....but i think they were just the ones who needed to be there. i'm really glad mom got to be there with me, too. i got to share the devotional - talked about romans 5:8 and God's unconditional love for us...that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. a lot of the ladies really opened up and shared, and i think it was a special time for everyone. it was so much fun to get to pamper these sweet women and really demonstrate our love, and the love of Christ, for them. sarah lancaster did the ladies' nails, and mary margaret and her friend sarah came and made journals with us. they are going to be transforming one of the upstairs apartments at the faith house into an art studio and teaching lessons for free downtown...and mary margaret wants me to come take some photos! i am really excited about helping her with that in the days to come :)

we picked out a paint color for my room. i think this is going to be a fun project for me and my mom. we've already been spending so much more time together since i've been home and i absolutely love it. we also went to bath junkie this evening (one of the greatest stores on earth, you customize your own bath products with the scent and color you want)....so of course i took a bath as soon as i got home, and it was divine. have i mentioned i love being home? cause i really do.

i hope my posts don't get boring now that i am writing more....but i have a feeling some of them will be.....i mean they are about my life....

i miss james. a lot.

reading time!!

snow day

2010-02-12T22:42:00.005-06:00

was wonderful. a much needed respite. although after my sick day yesterday, this is adding up to be a 4-day weekend - monday's gonna be tough!

i'm reading they like Jesus but not the church for my ministry class, and it is truly challenging me. we actually only had to read certain chapters for our group projects, but i enjoyed what i was assigned so much that i went back to start from the very beginning. first of all, i've come to the sobering realization that i have very few friends outside the church, or the "Christian subculture" as kimball describes it. i've also realized that oftentimes i'm just plain selfish. self-centered. i don't want to be that way anymore. i need to slow down and take every opportunity to befriend folks along the way. this book has made me step back and say - whoah. it could be that i am part of the problem - and at first that really sucked to admit. but it's already been so liberating. i'm ready to make some changes...and dan kimball is giving me a good idea of what those changes might look like.

in other scholastic news, we had to do projects on different books of the pentateuch in my class on, you guessed it, the pentateuch. although i prayed against it, my group got assigned leviticus. i was shocked, however, when i found myself actually enjoying the research for the project....i truly learned a great deal (more than i even needed for the presentation!) and it feels good to finally have conquered the one book of the Bible that i never before cared to read. as callie (one of my group members) said, "you know, now i might actually read leviticus again sometime....before i die."

well, i am really enjoying being facebook-free. it has given me time to do other things - like write on this blog. which is probably equally trivial. but i feel this has a bit more purpose to it, perhaps. either way, not having facebook is great for me...i think i'm done forever.

on that note, this day needs to be done. early morning tomorrow -- we are having our ladies' luncheon for the homeless women downtown and i need to get things together for it beforehand. i pray that they experience God's deep love for them in a tangible way.

buenas noches, mis amigos...(si alguien esta leyendo?)

outside

2010-02-11T22:21:00.002-06:00

the snowing is falling...it just started a bit ago. supposedly we're going to get 4-6 inches, but i'll believe it when i see it. i have been inside all day as i woke up this morning feeling extremely under the weather (and how sad to be under this weather!)....i am hoping that classes will indeed be cancelled, or at least that enough snow will fall to make it reasonable/excusable for me to not commute to campus. i made preparations for a long day inside by renting movies and getting milk (to go with the cookies i plan to bake, yeah yeah). even though i slept a ton today i think i'm about to do that some more.

i just have to say that it is really nice to be living at home again.

i have time to rest and room to breathe....it feels good.

sunday afternooon i am preparing to take my first sunday afternoon nap in 1 year and 8 months.....it's going to be glorious!! :) sunday will be sabbath once again. i love it.

for now, that is all....goodnight little world.

comforting words.

2010-02-02T11:51:00.001-06:00

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me

I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come down,

even if to write upon my heart

to remind me who You are.

i want to be in love.

2010-01-17T01:05:00.002-06:00

i want my heart to be completely and totally his. i want to be passionate and longing for him and none other. i want to be swept away in his arms.

but there is another. i gave my heart to him and together we broke it....and still it lies in shambles, limp within my chest, aching with each faint beat.

oh God, can you make it whole again? give me a new heart, one capable of loving you how i long to. i'm terrified in saying i've spent all this time serving you, yet i don't know who you are. but i do believe you are good, and your love endures forever. so please, put a little bit of that forever love in me. without you i have nothing to give you. with your help i give all. help me, Jesus. help me, please.

i think we're going somewhere, we're on to something good here. we're gonna make it after all.

this song

2009-08-24T22:42:00.002-05:00

came into my life at the perfect time. "seattle" by mary mary....

I lay me down tonight searching for words to say
So many doubts that fight me from calling out your name
But Lord it's me again ready for something new
Please rest upon my heart like the morning dew

Holy Spirit rain like Seattle

Overtake my life like a flood
Like California shake
What's not like you
I just want a heart like yours

Just like a painter has some colors and a brush
Upon the canvas soon a masterpiece becomes
Please take all that I am and all that I can be
Transform, renew, restore create a better me

Holy Spirit rain like Seattle
Overtake my life like a flood
Like California shake
What's not like you
I just want a heart like yours

Open up my heart

Fill me with your love
Every single part
Make me what you're made of
Take me from the start
Hold my hand in yours
Let the rain pour

Holy Spirit rain like Seattle
Overtake my life like a flood
Like California shake
What's not like you
I just want a heart like yours

growing up

2009-08-15T20:45:00.002-05:00

is great in some ways. in others, it really bites.

everyone i know is getting married, or engaged, or finishing school and moving far far away. or just changing a lot, to where i don't feel like i know them anymore. i am sad. i just said goodbye to my mexican family and the person who has truly become, through the best and worst times this year, through everything really, my closest friend.

i know i'm not alone...but i feel very lonely.

i'm ready for school to start already.....aaahhhhh!!!

"come to me...

2009-07-12T18:28:00.002-05:00

....all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and i will give you rest." - matthew 11:28

true story. Jesus, you kept your promise. i love you.

i have no idea

2009-07-10T20:27:00.002-05:00

what the future holds for me. but i know who holds my future. and i LOVE him. and i trust him. he always provides for me and protects me. and he always surprises me and takes me on adventures and amazes me. so....i'm really really excited about spending the rest of my life with him.

this is my heart today.

speaking of hearts, i had a heart-to-heart with ro at work today....God just gave me words for that little boy and i know he was listening to me. i think we had a breakthrough. i am praying that things change for him here soon.

i have this feeling in my spirit that a lot of things are about to change soon. it's stirring up inside me. it's like a fire in my bones. i'm weary of holding it in; indeed, i cannot......

psalm 119:11

2009-07-08T16:57:00.002-05:00

i have hidden your word in my heart, that i might not sin against you.

because....out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

amen.

thoughts.

2009-07-07T15:57:00.003-05:00

your love is many things to me
but fickle it is not
unlike affection others bring
yours was dearly bought
not by the doings of my hands
was your favor won
no, blood was spilt on my behalf
by a most beloved son
and when you look at my heart now
it's drenched in his suffering
and you offer me forgiveness
because with him you are pleased

i am loving.....

2009-07-06T18:44:00.002-05:00

the cooler weather and the rain today, afternoon naps, the newest mat kearney cd, the fact that i'm about to see two friends from high school that i haven't seen in years, coffee, my mexico necklace, and how summer is winding down in the most perfect fashion this year.....

the simple things have brought me great joy today. and every good and perfect gift comes from above.....

so for that, Jesus, i just want to say: thank You. You are good.

good things

2009-07-05T19:25:00.002-05:00

are happening all over the place here lately. i can't even count them all.

i know that i'm not supposed to go back to mexico again this summer, although it would be feasible. this disappoints me a lot...but i also know that it is because God has something for me here during those three work-free weeks, so i'm trying not to be a baby about it. pastor jeff talked about how babies are so precious, until they don't get their way, and then they scream their heads off, expecting someone to meet their need and NOW...."God has a lot of children who are babies and have been that way much too long," he said. one sign of spiritual immaturity is seeing God merely as an instrument to achieve what i want. i don't want to be like that. so i'm opening my eyes to see what i can do here :)

i need more discipline in my life. i need a spiritual trainer. like one of those new-age gurus, only a Christian.....do they make those? either way, before the end of this summer i'm going to whip into shape.

i love you, Jesus. and i'm going to show it better.

i'm homesick

2009-06-30T16:59:00.002-05:00

for mexico. i miss it. my heart aches for it. more than i've ever ached for a place and people before.

i tried to call miguel yesterday, but ended up leaving a crazy voicemail because obviously i was trying to talk to him, so i didn't have a "message" planned. oh the joys of language learning.

i feel sad.

pretty sure

2009-06-29T07:28:00.004-05:00

i did the right thing. but it sucks. i have peace in my heart but it saddens me, too. because i truly love that kid. i hope he gets that.

i have to trust that it's in God's hands. He is the friend who sticks closer than a brother....and that's what is needed. not me. i can't keep clinging, trying to bring salvation, life. that's not my place.

maybe we WILL meet again further down the river, and share what we both discovered, then revel in the view.....

i hope so.

hey Jesus, i'm sad. please be close to me today. amen.

i can't be

2009-06-25T21:51:00.005-05:00

the person i want to be right now. i hate feeling so weak, so helpless, so needy. i want to be strong and stand tall and be the bravest woman you know. where has my courage run off to?

i waver. at my best moments i am capable of conquering the entire universe....and then i crumble to pieces like a ritz cracker.

it's interesting to me....the amazing things that he said of me left me desperate for them to be true. that person he described is a lady i'd love to be. well, he thinks that is who i am...so why can't i be?

here is where i either choose to go forward and become who i want to be...or stand paralyzed and eventually be exposed as a fake, not at all what he (and others, apparently) think i am.

alright. get to steppin.

incredible. that man is already making me better. confirmation: southside is now my home.

sometimes you just have to

2009-06-16T16:43:00.003-05:00

stand your ground. even if it means the other person walking away.

i truly hope that he doesn't. but i'm not changing my mind on this one.....i meant what i said. if it's not worth that to him then it isn't worth trying to hold onto.

it's out of my hands for now. maybe for always.

thank you God, for friends to laugh with. friends who listen and who believe in me, who are proud of me. friends who build me up and let me be who i am....and love me for just that. thank you for reminding me that i have those people right now. send more of them to me speedily....in Jesus' name, so be it.

school gets in the way

2009-06-09T21:54:00.003-05:00

of me doing things that are really important. at least i think this sometimes. college has been great for me and helped me grow in a lot of ways. but it would be nice to be able to look forward to more time to just BE with people and LOVE them. it's going to be so tough to do when i am trying to study and write papers and all that nonsense. Lord, help me.

i love jackson. living downtown is one of the best things that's happened in my life. i have some great stories already....more on that soon!

today i had a breakthrough with one of the girls in my class at mission first. kiara is a tough cookie....it's been really hard for me to connect with her. we had a heart to heart in the hallway and the Lord asked me to pray for her before we went back in the classroom. when i said amen and looked up she had tears streaming down her face. i think her heart and mine both softened a little this afternoon. it was good, really good. :)

tonight we prayer walked and we stopped by carolyn's house. carolyn, whose name i thought was curly the first time we met because she was so drunk she couldn't talk. carolyn had a breakthrough today too....as miss amy prayed over her she began to cry. we told her that God loved her in spite of her mistakes, and she said, "i know. i just need to learn to love myself." wow. tomorrow i'm going back to visit her and her mom, berta mae, and take them some cookies. i am praying the visit goes well and that the Lord speaks through me to encourage them.

i need so much more of Jesus. i can't do anything for them without Him. fill me up, Father....

wow.

2009-06-06T17:05:00.002-05:00

i have a lot to do to prepare myself to move to mexico. visas, mission agencies, support letters, working, school....many, many decisions. big decisions. i need lots of wisdom.

but it sure is exciting :) i can't help but smile when i think about it. mexico. me, in mexico.

it'll be here sooner than i know.

I'm called

2009-05-31T20:03:00.002-05:00

to Mexico. I'm sure of it. I fully expect that this time next year I'll either be there or be heading there shortly.

Just wanted to get that out in the open. Thank you God, for answering my prayers and giving me clarity.....I am so glad to KNOW :) I can't wait, Jesus!! Mexico is amazing, thank you for giving it to me.

Now I just need to find myself either A) a man who loves Mexico the way I do or B) a Mexican husband....

I think I'll take option B.

this place

2009-05-21T13:45:00.002-05:00

is so beautiful. because the people are beautiful. i say that everywhere i go, because everywhere i go it's true. and i could live here. also true everywhere i've been. truly true.

so i've decided something. it's time. the rubber meets the road here. when i get home, it needs to be all or nothing. and it's not going to be nothing.

i've been thinking a lot about all the people who live in the neighborhoods near me. they don't know Jesus. and this summer i have lots of free time. i work until noon every day, and every afternoon there's time. time to go to them. to talk to them. to love them and to spend with them. i'm gonna do it. and how easy is it? they're right there, there's no language barrier...true, there are lots of differences, and maybe i can't relate to everything they experience, but....i love them. i do. because He loved me first, and He loves them most.

these are my thoughts these two weeks here. wow. two weeks already. i don't want to say adios.

mexico

2009-05-07T21:02:00.003-05:00

is 15 or so hours away. i have no idea what's in store for me there, but i am looking forward to whatever it is :)

i kind of feel like i'm abandoning everyone in jackson, though. mario told me today that since i'm going to be gone three weeks, he would be too. hm...that made me smile. i love those people, man. i really do. they're becoming more than neighbors. they're my friends. i will miss them while i'm gone.

and it will keep getting better.

i need to bathe. shalom to all and hopefully i'll get to write on this thing while i'm gone...if not there shall be post-trip reflections for sure.

when it's all said and done, only three will remain: faith, hope, and love. so give me some of those.

domestication

2009-05-05T09:23:00.004-05:00

is taking place in my life right now. i potted a plant yesterday. and washed and folded clothes, changed sheets, did dishes....and i enjoyed it. what is the meaning of all this?

on a spiritual note, i feel overwhelmed. i need more time with Jesus. living down here is draining, not to mention the fact that mercy is my primary gift so everything gets me....i need discernment. i need grace and patience. i need more love. i need a lot of things that i can only find in Him.

in need of grace, in need of love
in need of mercy raining down from high above
in need of strength, in need of peace
in need of things that only you can give to me
in need of Christ, the perfect Lamb
my refuge strong, the great I AM
this is my song, it's my humble plea
cause I am your child, and I am in need.

it's different when you sleep there.

2009-04-25T21:29:00.004-05:00

and that's the truth. before i could come and go, but now i'm here and here i stay. it hasn't even been a full week yet and i feel a bit of tension....this is what it means to die to self. just let go of all of my own desires and wishes and let him do his thing. follow.

i'm hoping that soon i'll have a lot to write about my experiences here. this week begins a year of ministry in the inner city. this week begins a new chapter of my life. i don't really know what all that means (and it's good not to know, i've decided).

i miss africa. and mexico. i want to know where i'm going. mali? kameroon? mozambique? atlacomulco?

please, please, please show me. please.

p.s. - THIS made my day:

mr. watson is in good hands now. and i have a picture to prove it. thanks, jared :)

africa, i miss you. my heart longs for you. bring me back.

yep.

2009-04-19T20:42:00.000-05:00

give me your eyes for just one second
give me your eyes so i can see
everything that i keep missing
give me your love for humanity
give me your arms for the broken hearted
the ones that are far beyond my reach
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
give me your eyes so i can see

this one is for you, but you know that.

2009-04-12T01:02:00.004-05:00

say anything.

this is safe.

the only other who will see you this way

did before the thoughts even became.

this one, divinity who stooped to be a man

yes, i ask him every day to stoop again

and change things. and he is.

invisibly to you, though he will place

his hands on your eyes soon and give you grace

to see it too.

don't give up. he won't give up on you.

p.s. - thanks for inspiration. i'm writing again, because of you.

misunderstandings.

2009-04-11T00:58:00.002-05:00

i'm talking in a language you don't speak

and maybe i'm too soft but i believe

anyone would feel this way right now

go ahead, pretend that you don't know

say i've built walls but i promise yours are higher

honey you're just preaching to the choir

no one asked you to start the demolition

you're bulldozing by your own volition

tender ones need gentle urging but

you want to fix the scar by making cuts

there

2009-04-07T18:04:00.003-05:00

is so much to say, yet i do not have the words to adequately express.

the song "you found me" by the fray really makes me think about my homeless friends downtown. don't know why.

i found God on the corner of 1st and amistad
where the west was all but won
all alone, smoking his last cigarette
i said, "where ya been?" and he said, "ask anything."

lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
why'd you have to wait? where were you? where were you?
just a little late, you found me, you found me.....

why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me

amy carmichael wrote....

2009-04-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

have you no wound?

no wound? no scar?

yes, as the Master shall the servant be,

and pierced are the feet that follow Me,

yet yours are whole.

can she have followed far -- who has no wound? no scar?

s.o.s.

2009-04-02T11:15:00.003-05:00

i know that you said
when i am weak you're strong
but i'm so tired of being weak
i know that you said
when i mourn you will comfort
but i'm ready to dance again

that last one was so dark...

2009-03-25T14:05:00.004-05:00

...and i wasn't even feeling that way. i need to write something new, it's time. it's time for many new things, and there's really no need to be scared. i trust you, God.

heart healer
i place all of mine
in the only hands
that can hold it how it needs.
don't let go.
and i promise
i won't take it back this time.
amen.

a poem.

2009-03-21T20:23:00.010-05:00

nighttime is your best escape.

darkness masks dark circles

from too many hours awake.

close your eyes tight and pray that you don't dream.

no need for reminders

of unattainable things.

maybe tonight your heart will slow and cease.

a heart can't ache if it can't even beat.

fell in love in mexico

2009-03-19T16:07:00.003-05:00

what an amazing trip. i never imagined that it would be so beautiful. i'm counting the days until i can return (hopefully only 49!) and working on my spanish....i think maybe this is it. this is the place God wants me to be?! it's hard to say but it's certainly a very real possibility.

i miss it...everything about it. especially the people. there's something very special and dear to my heart there. i want to call it my home.

big enough

2009-03-11T11:11:00.004-05:00

i question are you big enough, and i wonder are you strong enough
to help me even stand
and i wish i had more faith in you
even though i know what you've brought me through
i want to understand
where we're going with this plan.....

(thank you casey combest)

disappointing people

2009-02-14T16:23:00.002-06:00

is something i've always been overly concerned about. just when i think i have it conquered, i realize how much i'm still doing for the approval of others, and how hard it is for me to let things go sometimes, not because i love doing them but because i don't want to feel like i've let anyone down.

it's time to let go. again.

no worries

2009-02-07T14:21:00.003-06:00

because God always works out all the details. you'd think i'd have this completely figured out by now.

my name was one of 40, out of 120 girls, chosen yesterday to live off campus next year. this is confirmation that the Lord really does want me to continue making steps towards moving into the Faith House downtown and interning with the Lancasters. i am excited, but now as it's becoming definite i've realized what kind of changes this may mean for my life. some i am really happy with, others are going to be a little harder to swallow....such as changes in relationships. a lot of uncertainty has been in my mind lately. but God holds all the answers so i need to be leaning on Him. as i've said before, i need to pray more - especially cause i sure could use some guidance right now.

i feel like the world is completely open to me as i serve the Lord. i can go anywhere He calls me, and He could call me ANYWHERE. what incredible freedom and potential adventure when i walk with Him....

i'm considering lots of options for my several weeks off work this summer. the ukraine, africa, mexico, california - all are appealing to me. maybe i'll even be doing something i haven't thought of yet. we will see.

only time will tell....with all of it.

dear so and so....

2009-01-22T12:06:00.003-06:00

I wanted to write and share with you all the things God has been doing in my life since I last wrote. First I want to thank you for your incredible love and support, and especially your prayers. Because you prayed earnestly, our trip to Greece was a success. Our group of about thirty from First Baptist Clinton joined thirty other college students from across the United States in Athens for a weeklong World Changers project. I was assigned to the team doing ministry in the gypsy camp, and what a blessing that was! The children were absolutely gorgeous and we had the opportunity to share with them all week the beautiful message of God’s love for them. Although I went give to these kids, I received so much from them, as they lavished us with hugs and kisses every single day. The missionaries shared with us the change that had gradually been taking place in the gypsies as the missionaries continued to show love to them, day after day. These people who were once only greedy, suspicious, and hard-hearted towards the gospel were beginning to soften. God’s love changes hearts, and I got to see this firsthand in Greece.

At the beginning of this summer I began to pray about how the Lord wanted me to spend the rest of my time at Mississippi College. I had reached a point where I knew God wanted more from me, and I wanted to be used by Him. As I prayed, I clearly heard the Lord say He wanted me to live and serve in downtown Jackson. This was a huge revelation! I continued to pray and the Lord led me to Amy and David Lancaster. The Lancasters felt God’s call to Jackson four years ago, moved, and began loving their neighbors and preaching the word downtown. I became involved with this ministry, We Will Go, and the Lord absolutely broke my heart for the people of Jackson. There is so much hurt, so much need, and only Jesus can heal! The Lord began to show me what He can do when we are truly willing to give Him everything.

This November, I went with We Will Go to Mozambique, Africa. The Lord never ceases to amaze me! He grew my faith as He miraculously provided everything we needed for the trip. We worked alongside Iris Ministries in Pemba, Mozambique, loving the orphan children and worshipping the Lord in spirit and in truth with the believers there. I saw a bigger picture of what God’s kingdom really looks like – people from every tribe and tongue will one day stand before the throne to praise Him! How beautiful! Seeing the true faith and passion of Christians in Mozambique truly challenged me. These people have nothing, they depend entirely on the Lord to meet every need. So many times I try to do things myself, and I always fail. But nothing is impossible with God - in Him we have all we need for life and godliness!
We Will Go recently purchased two buildings on their street that the Lord promised them years ago. These buildings will house interns whom the Lord is calling to serve alongside the Lancasters in Jackson. I knew when I first heard them speak about these buildings over the summer that this was where the Lord would have me live, and now I am preparing to move there this summer and live there during my last year at MC. Looking back over 2008, it is easy to see all the ways that the Lord has moved and all the things He has been teaching me. Looking forward into 2009, I am so excited to think about all He will continue to do. In March, I am headed to Mexico with First Baptist Clinton’s college ministry to share Jesus Christ there! I am excited to have an opportunity to use the two years of Spanish I’ve had at Mississippi College to speak His name and tell about His amazing love.

School is going well, and I plan to graduate next May with a degree in Christian Studies and a minor in Spanish (after many changes of major! J). I am praying about what God wants me to do after graduation, and really, I have no idea what that could be. I know that He is calling me to serve Him full-time, but where and when and how I don’t know. I trust that He will continue to faithfully guide me as He has thus far. I am excited to see what new adventures God has for the future – there’s never a dull moment in serving Him!

I am so blessed to have you in my life. Please know that as you have been praying for me, I have been praying for you also. If there’s anything specific I can pray about for you, please let me know – I would love to lift you up in this way! Thank you for allowing me to share with you about what God is doing. Even sitting here writing this is an encouragement and a reminder to me of who God is and what He has done, and I hope it encourages you also. I love you and I hope to write again soon.

this

2009-01-20T17:46:00.002-06:00

is very new to me. all of this. i have no clue about when to say things, what to say, or how to say them....the same goes with actions. i think i am failing, miserably even. g helped me a lot at work today by simply sharing with me from his own experience. i am so glad that he and i have gotten to be friends. what a blessing. i love our little talks before the kids arrive every day. his words calmed my spirit, he promised it was normal to be confused and unsure and to stumble through these things. which is good. cause i'm confused, unsure, and stumbling.

thank God for...well, God. what an amazing Jesus i have. without Him my life would be crumbling, and perhaps not even in existence right now. i need to focus on this.

You're the center of the universe, everything was made in You, Jesus. breath of every living thing, everyone was made for You. You hold everything together, You hold everything together....oh Christ, be the center of our lives, be the place we fix our eyes, be the center of our lives....

embers

2009-01-15T21:31:00.002-06:00

that need to be blown on. that's what my heart has become here lately. the fire has died down, i have noticed it increasingly more over the past several days. i want the Lord to blow on my life and revive the fire that was burning there such a short time ago.

i know His breath comes from being near to Him. that's what i need to do. be near to Him.

being around others who love Him helps. i'm praying that the Lord sends people my way who are unexpectedly in love with Him....people that aren't churchy or religious, just head over heels crazy about Jesus. maybe people that i would never think of, but his precious ones that He loves. someone to challenge my thoughts about God, to shake and break and teach me....ya know?

i don't want to lose sight. i don't want to forget my first Love. i want it to always be an adventure, me and Him.

honestly, i've neglected. we haven't been close because i haven't let us be.

after all this, i still lack accountability. please, someone, make me be real with you. ask me how the Lord and i are doing and don't be satisfied until i tell you the truth...the deep truth, not just some answer i can give you to make you go away.

i need to be learning God's word, not just reading it. i need to be praying. fasting. there's so much this relationship needs that it's not getting, and it's not God's fault.

God, forgive me. and help me love you the way i should...the way i want to....the way you deserve. blow on the embers, Jesus, Holy Spirit fire fall into my heart and burn brilliantly. i don't want to settle for where i am...ever. i want to want more of you, Jesus. my life is so dull without you. so dull and desperate. Jesus, you're welcome here.

"but the harder i try the more clearly can i feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all, and so this might could be the most impossible thing, your grandness in me, making me clean....you are holy, and i wanna be holy, like you, God..."

i always

2009-01-07T01:15:00.000-06:00

think about the most important life stuff right before i go to sleep. this is what i've always done. kind of a debriefing before i travel to dreamland. i've never had a problem with this until now.

so what in the world do i do? here i am, and my path has crossed with yours, and for now we seem to be in somewhat of the same place, walking together. but with many thoughts towards the future recently it has been unavoidable that i think about this....the fact that there may come a day in the not-so-distant future that the path will fork, and you and i will choose to go in different directions. this seems all too possible, honestly. it scares me. not because i'm not okay with going where i need to go. i just think that if by that point we're still in this thing, it's going to be really hard to let you go. i don't want the pain. i can't let my life get so intertwined with yours that it takes part of me if you and i split. gosh, i've seen that happen to enough people to know it's not pretty. it's happened to me, too, in different ways. and i feel deeply, more deeply than most. which is a beautiful thing at times but also quite a burden. saying goodbye is something i've never been good at.

this probably seems so silly to you, irrational, unreasonable even. we just started, for heaven's sake, quit thinking about the end. i know, i know. what is wrong with me? maybe after years of things not working out, of people letting me down, of losing those i love most....well, after awhile anyone would be like me, i would suppose. maybe i should have kept my heart entirely to myself in the first place. but i like you, really i do. and things really are good (so why can't i just enjoy it? i know. i KNOW). and even if it does come to a painful goodbye, i believe it wouldn't have been wasted time. i guess, like always, i'm just scared. and i want that to be okay. i want it to be okay to be scared. i want that to be okay with you. please?

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." - c.s. lewis

two people

2009-01-05T16:00:00.000-06:00

in two days have asked me if i'm going to seminary (as if i would know or something...ha). some days the future looms ominously in front of me like dark rain clouds, and i am certain that only disaster awaits me as graduation approaches ever more rapidly. other days i feel like i'm looking out over a vast horizon, where i cannot see far but what i can see looks intensely promising and brings me happy anticipation of all the places that my Love and i might go.

so there you have it. lots of mixed emotions. or just emotions, period. but i am a girl, so that's not too surprising, i suppose ;)

i like where i am right now, but i know that i cannot stay there forever. or even for very long at all. but that doesn't mean i won't like the next place, and the next, and the next....

as long as Jesus goes with me i am fine. and He promised never to leave. so i am content. whatever the circumstances, i am content.

no longer a doormat

2009-01-05T00:23:00.001-06:00

i've graduated to the status of carpet, or perhaps a nice handtowel.

i spoke up today. to two people, actually. and it wasn't terrible. it wasn't my favorite part of the day, it was slightly unpleasant, it did make me uncomfortable, i felt bad about saying what i had to say, it went against my very nature and all that i wanted to do.....but it wasn't terrible.

my feelings about speaking up were confirmed in sunday school, when we watched rob bell's nooma video entitled "store." it was about how people deal with anger. afterwards we discussed it, and this girl who i never would have guessed would be anything like me said, "you know, i always let people do stuff that bothers me over and over and over and finally i can't take it anymore and i just blow up at them. but that's unfair, because i never tell them that it upsets me." wow. that's me right there. i've decided i for sure want to attempt to avoid that from here on out. certainly it will still happen, cause it's just my tendency to try to let things that aren't a big deal slide. but if it's something that truly bothers me, there's nothing wrong with calmly telling the other person that it does. especially if that will prevent future frustration and potential blow-ups. speaking up is the way to go for us mount vesuvius types.

this is a small personal victory for me. i'm still uncertain about how the other person felt about what i said, yet i feel like i accomplished something regardless. so....

hooray! :)

this break

2009-01-02T13:54:00.000-06:00

needs to end promptly. i'm done with it. i'm bored. i need all my mc friends back. i need my roomie. i need the healthplex. i need my mission first babies. i need a normal schedule, normal sleeping hours, tuesday nights at the scones, the library, cups, chell-bell, gusgus, la, some neutral space to hang out in that's mine (and missy's of course).... and the list goes on and on.

spring semester is always so much better anyway...so i'm lookin forward to it.

2008 was a very good year. very eventful. life-changing. i anticipate good things from 2009. i just have to stay focused. fix my heart on things above, not on earthly things.

and pray more. like i said. pray a LOT more.

grrr

2008-12-30T10:36:00.000-06:00

that's about all i have to say right now.

and that i'm grateful to have a heavenly Father who listens to all my frustrations. and He understands me because He made me. what a relief. my one constant comfort and joy. Jesus.

it's time

2008-12-28T01:03:00.000-06:00

for me to stop being such a clam and SPEAK UP. to a lot of people. i don't think they're ready. i've said nothing about so many things for so long that no one is going to expect this. i have no idea what the response will be. and i don't know that i care anymore.

i want to be done with being so afraid. God, i'm sorry, i feel like we've talked about this so much. we've beat it into the ground. fear, fear, fear. why so much fear? i don't know either, Daddy. i just know that it takes over so many times. maybe that's one of those things that i have to keep surrendering again and again. i'm weary of this, though.

can't i just be done with this?!?

i think way too much

2008-12-27T11:38:00.000-06:00

about way too many things. i'm surprised my head hasn't exploded by this point in my life. it gets me in trouble though....over-analysis, tearing apart and reconstructing every little word in my mind, playing it again and again. that can't be healthy. but i know i'm not the only one. and i can't help it, really. it would be nice to be able to simply exist. at least for a day or two.

Christmas is over and i can't help but be happy. and soon enough i'll be going back to school and honestly, i'm happy with that too. at least at the dorm i have some level of stability and control over my own life. i never really know what to expect with my family. especially now.

i'm trying not to close people out with this...especially j. i'm learning that i do that so much. i keep everything to myself. it frustrates me. i just can't open up the way i want to, the way i really need to.....

it'll get better, though.

i don't know why

2008-12-26T12:38:00.000-06:00

but i haven't said very much about africa. i want to talk about it...but i don't really know what it is i need to say.

i checked my email on Christmas eve and had one from jared...he wanted me to know that he and andrea had taken mr watson to ali, and that he got a picture of them together and was sending it to me. i think that was the best Christmas present i got this year.

where am i going? i have no idea where i'll end up. the possibilities truly are limitless. sometimes when i think about it i want more direction...then i remember just how God has guided me to this point and how He's worked everything out so far. i'm resting in Him. but it's natural to want to know. i look at people like clinton who've felt a calling to a certain country for a long time. and here he is, after years of seeking the Lord and working towards that goal, and he's going there to live. i don't have that particular calling...yet. everywhere i've been on mission trips to i could see myself living. i just don't know. could be latvia, mexico, greece, mozambique....or somewhere completely different. could be jackson. whew. i think that's the hardest one to swallow. i love jackson but it'd be easier to leave it.....

my hope is built on nothing less

2008-12-24T12:20:00.000-06:00

than Jesus' blood and righteousness. i dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name. on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

truth.

Christmas break is the stuff. i am thoroughly enjoying it. i only wish la and miss lived closer :( but visits will take place i am sure....soon and very soon.

so this whole moving downtown thing is materializing rapidly. i'm excited but also have some apprehensions, some doubts. it is so obvious to me that this is where God is leading me, i'm sure, surer than i am about anything else. am i ready though? spiritually, that is. the battle is real on congress street, there's no playing around about it. at mc i can ignore it if i want....downtown i don't have that option. i need to pray more...i have a feeling, though, that no amount of "preparation" will get me ready for everything i'll face. dependence on the Lord will be a given. but i'm good with that. He's faithful. He's the best Daddy in the world.

my life is so different than how i predicted. praise God :) what a miracle.

praise the Lord

2008-12-18T10:03:00.000-06:00

- exams are over
- i'm home, with my very own space...mmm....peace
- i get to sleep semi-late for a few weeks
- i have a really sweet boyfriend :) (that still sounds weird but i'm getting used to it)
- i can do some reading for fun over the break...get excited!
- i'm alive, and life is pretty good

a few things i'm happy about right now. now i must go brave the ridiculous Christmastime traffic to take care of a few last Christmas presents. i'm trying not to be frustrated with Christmas this year. i mean, i've been like that for two years....it's time to try to enjoy it again. it's just so hard. things haven't been the same and never will be...and now even more things are changing with my mom's new friend and all...i don't think i handle change all that well. i need to pray more. yep.

"here we are...

2008-12-14T10:53:00.000-06:00

...we got to the best part, where the strings come in and you melt my heart all over again...."

so i really like this. really. in case anyone may be wondering - i am happy.

God is so good. the story of my life just keeps getting better and better. everything's coming together. He's pulling me in. deep unto deep. wow i love Him. i definitely don't show it enough, still. that hurts my heart. i long for Him to know how much i love Him...and i want to love Him so much more....always more....

it's a battle. a literal battle with myself. my heart says, spend time with your Father. and my mind says, you have so much schoolwork to take care of, you don't have time. or any other number of lame excuses....i'm understanding more and more what paul was talking about when he said that the things he wants to do he doesn't do, and the things he doesn't want to do he does. that makes such perfect sense. i hate it. but - Christ already gave me victory. i need to walk in His freedom, walk in His liberty...dance in His freedom, dance in His liberty...cause it is for freedom He set us free! and I'M FREE.

You are the only one i need, i bow all of me at Your feet, i worship You alone
You have given me more than i could ever have wanted and i want to give You my heart and my soul

i am

2008-12-11T12:17:00.000-06:00

happy. had coffee with my friend w this morning. i was excitedly telling him about africa and what God has been teaching me. he had this great big smile on his face, and when i finished he told me, "i like this new betsey." i was a little confused, so of course i asked, "what new betsey?" he responded, "the one who doesn't care what people think anymore."

i really have changed so much since last year, by the grace of God. it's crazy to think of all i've been through to get to this point. and of course, like w and i just talked about, i know the Lord is not done yet....nor will he ever be. somedays that makes me feel weary, but for the most part, i feel privileged. as david said in the psalms, what is man that God is mindful of us? who am i that God cares about my life, and wants to work in it? God in MY life? that's so crazy. i'm incredibly thankful for it...and humbled by the thought of it. whew.

God, i'm asking you now...how do you want to work in my life today? where do you want to shape and mold me? what things are you desiring to burn away in your refining process? i want to be open to whatever you give and anything you take. i trust you. and i love you.

i've learned

2008-12-09T21:15:00.001-06:00

about stopping for the one. this is difficult to do. a lot of times i don't hear the Holy Spirit. and then when i do, sometimes i don't want to obey. but the few encounters i've had over the past week where i did hear and i chose to listen have been truly amazing. being used by God is the best thing in the world. i want it every day. i want Jesus' love to flow out of me to every mario and aubrey out there....

it's been a week today since i returned from africa. most of that time is just a blur of happenings, and sorting through those has made trying to process my trip even more difficult. things there are so incredibly different....people are different. i know God is the same but even His presence seems different there. i want that africa feeling back. i can't explain it. tonight at amy and david's they let me look at all their pictures and it really got to me. i need to stop thinking about it before i get upset....

there are some good things going on here, though. strange but good. and i know this is where i belong. so i'm trying to be content, whatever the circumstances. i just need some help.

so little time, so much to do

2008-12-06T15:00:00.000-06:00

i have a million and one things to do. and i feel like there are a million and one people i want to spend time with. because i have to finish this semester well, i pretty much have to do the things instead of be with the people. i hate that.

i greatly anticipate december 15th. this will all be over so soon, i just keep telling myself. push on through. you can do it. 10 more days.

time to crank out a dozen or so pages worth of papers....get excited....

africa was worth it. it was more than worth it.

listening is an act of love.

2008-12-05T06:40:00.001-06:00

one that i've been learning a lot about. it all started when i became friends with la. that girl is the best listener i've ever met in my life. when i talk to her i experience a different kind of listening altogether. she's not afraid of silence. i used to be one of those people who would always respond right away because the silence made me so uncomfortable...but she has broken me of that. also, la asks questions about the things i've told her to get to the very root of the issue. it's such a beautiful thing, and i've been asking the Lord to show me how to listen like that.

lately i've had lots of opportunities to practice. one thing i've been praying about as i listen is that God will give me the words He wants me to say to people. many times i know what i feel they want to hear, and i know what i would like to say. but what i want to say and what God wants to say are usually different....maybe i should pray instead for God to keep transforming my mind, to give me the mind of Christ. then His words will simply flow from me...

i know this has nothing to do with africa....but it's what i was thinking about as i awoke this morning. actually though, it's all connected...love is the common denominator. love is the theme of all God has been teaching me. love.

today, God, show me who to love and how to love them. i promise i will stop for the one. fill me, and i will gladly pour out. i love because you first loved me.

how was your trip?

2008-12-03T08:55:00.000-06:00

this is a question i cannot seem to answer well yet. it's so much...i learned so much, saw so much, experienced so much, felt so much. it was everything i hoped for and more, and nothing like what i expected. i'm trying really hard to come up with something better than that.

if i had to sum it up in one word, it would be more. God gave me so much more of Himself...and revealed to me how much more He wants of me.

i will elaborate soon.

in less than ten hours

2008-11-19T00:43:00.000-06:00

i leave for africa. wow. it's still not real to me yet.

what are my expectations of this trip, he asks? i simply expect something amazing to happen. nothing specific....just the Lord, in whatever way He wants to show up.

my heart is so overwhelmed at what is happening in my life. so many beautifully unexpected things. i wish it didn't take me forever to process it all.

tameka had her baby....a five pound, perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy with absolutely no trace of drugs in his system. a miracle. a real miracle. i held a miracle. i almost lost it in that hospital room. the depth of God's love and grace and the reality of who He is and the sheer joy of it all....i almost couldn't breathe.

can i just stay like this? unable to breathe because of who He is? overtaken by the thought of Him....can i just stay like this?

i said to him

2008-11-14T07:24:00.000-06:00

Lord help me.

and he did. wow. God WROTE that paper for me. he revealed things to me as my fingers flew across the keyboard that i've never even thought about before. my life does have direction. how beautiful. thank you for the guidance and confirmation, God.

he's just so good. i can't believe he would do for me all that he has done! i am overwhelmed at the thought of it. who am i that God would not only redeem me and call me by name and make me his, but also orchestrate this elaborate plan for my life, in which every puzzle piece fits perfectly with all the others to make something glorious for his kingdom??? that to me is too much. i can't take it in.

you're amazing God. that's all i know to say.